Rant

[IndigoSkye]

I'm sorry but I want to have a rant. I'm so tired I could cry! I'm tired of being constantly argued with and criticised by my adopted dds 11 and 8. I'm tired of them overreacting as if I've ruined their lives when I ask them to do something such as put their rubbish in the bin!
I'm tired of feeling like a failure when I get cross or upset over usually minor things that have built up and built up. I know my dds have attachment and trauma issues and I feel shit that I can't let go of everything and let them express themselves by ranting or screaming at me and not take it personally. I'm tired of not getting any love or affection back.
I'm tired of the fact that I have to be responsible for everyone and the running of the house (dh tries a bit but is generally clueless). Im tired of being taken for granted by everyone. I'm tired of being the one that tries to instill boundaries and is therefore no fun!
I'm sad that it's me that has to compromise my career because we need my dhs wage and he has to work long hours! I'm too tired to think about let alone put in place the strategies and suggestions given to us from the post adoption support we have received.

Also I'm tired of my house looking a tip, my belongings treated badly and no one caring! I just want to have the strength and energy to care about the important things, let go of the unimportant things and be able to deal with life without feeling so negative.
That's it, I'm all done! Time to move forward

Welcome to parenthood it's really bloody hard!!!!

Thanks random mess, sadly it's not new, despite 7 years of therapy and lots of hard work, I still have two very traumatised children! Sometimes I just feel sorry for myself!

Oh I didn't think you were!!!

I have friends that are adopters, friends that are long term foster parents, friends that have DC with major needs - it is f*cking hard, relentless and their is no logical reason why anyone would choose this. Personally I blame those pesky hormones!!!

I hope tomorrow is a better day, sometimes you need to take a mini step back and have a breather.

Thanks, tomorrow's a new day!

Remember you are doing the best you can, you can not fix everything, you can't do anymore than improve on the future they would have had otherwise.

Whatever the future holds you did an amazing job in the here and now if you didn't care you wouldn't be feeling like this x

When in all of that do you get time for yourself? I’m not remotely suggesting that an hour at a coffee shop is a cure all but I wonder where you get any space to think or reflect or just plain decide it needs to be different.

If you’re not able to access the strategies offered by post adoption support, I’m guessing it’s hard to see any possibility for change.

Thanks Randommess and thanks for taking the time to reply.
Jelly cats I feel like I really should do something for myself but I just can't be bothered! If I get free time I usually have a nap!!!

Practical stuff

Why are you so tired? Are you not sleeping? If you then have you had your VitD, vit Bs and magnesium checked as deficiencies in any of them are exhausting!

Do you and DH have equal leisure time including accounting for the mental load? If not you need to address that with him and tell him you are getting burn out and he needs to take on responsibility for some things in their entirety before you crack.

Have a good think about what he could take on and that you will let him fail at if necessary!

I hope he does all the gifts, cards and remembering for his friends and family?

He could do all the laundry washing, drying, putting away. We don't iron much at all (basically I do a few of my work dresses and. I thing else)

Or he could do the meal planning and shopping even if you are the one that cooks for practical reasons.

Basically it needs to be one of the daily drudge jobs that you no longer have to think about.

He does have more leisure time, mainly because I don't particularly like going out or socialising. It has away irritated me that he assumes I will be home and will tell me when he is not going to be in but if I want to go out I have to ask him to make sure he gets home on time. He does bits of tasks but never quite manages to do them to completion, so he'll do the washing but won't sort it or put away, he'll cook a bit but only if it's obvious what to make! He does take the kids out at weekends although typically I'm doing house stuff at this time (although I appreciate the peace and quiet!).

I have a bit of a plan, dh has changed his work days to wfh on a Wednesday and Friday so I am going to plan some things Wednesday and Friday evenings. I'm going to go to work earlier on these days so he can manage the school run and getting the kids up etc and then make use of these evenings for a bit of me time! I'm also going to ask him to to packed lunches in the mornings. It's not a big thing but I really hate making them!

I dont sleep well! Think maybe a blood test might be a good idea! Although I might get a multivitamin as something I could easily do! If I'm honest I think i snore and that wakes me up! I've put on quite a bit of weight and could do with being healthier! I suspect that isn't helping!

How old are you? I'm peri menopausal and sleep much better since starting to take B6, magnesium and taurine for my peri symptoms and have since found out magnesium is known for being essential for sleep!

If I drink alcohol or eat sugary food in the evening that also seems to impact on my sleep too...

Your other plans sound good 👍

I hadn't thought of that, I'm mid forties, since you mention it my periods have been really irregular this last 6 months! I have just googled this and it could explain a lot. Think I'll book in with GP and check it out. You've been a big help. Thanks

Hormones, it's all their fault

I have suffered with badly with mastalgia since a young teen, started that combo it 99.9% has gone, along with other symptoms, cannot believe I could have tried this years ago 🤬 I found the combo on a website for PMDD, so much less tearful etc.

They do have a lot to answer for!!! I have to say I hadn't even given this a thought I was thinking menopause is something that happens in your 50s. (I didn't even know perimenopause was a thing)
Glad you found something that works for you

One of the biggest bright spots for me was being able to afford a cleaner once a fortnight, instead of it all being on my shoulders. Every 2 weeks I come home to a clean and tidy flat.

I blitz it for an hour or so Saturday mornings, nag DD to put her dirty clothes in the laundry and throw all her stuff into her room and close the door. It gradually deteriorates over the 2 weeks, but by the time I feel resentful and exhausted we are only a couple of days away from the cleaner coming in again.

Bliss.

Seriously, I am sure money is tight, but look at the practical, repetitive, mind numbing tasks you have to do, and see if some of them could be done by someone else. You are the only one who can be the mother to your traumatised children, but anyone can do the laundry.

Thank you Allington, that's a good point, will look into it.

@IndigoSkye sorry it is tough at times. I've been quite down in the dumps for a long while. I'm now on new Diabetes medication and feeling better.

I've got an autistic birth dd who is a teen and an adopted son who is 9.

So much of your post resonates with me! But I wanted to point out two things that hit me!

"...he'll cook a bit but only if it's obvious what to make!"

Please let him do it and don't make it too easy. My dh always does this, he'll cook dinner but I need to decide what to have! So now I just say it's your chocie I don't mind (which he usually says to me). If he finds it so hard then get the girls to choose it, or to help him shop or cook it. You go out or do something else so he has to do it alone!

My dh is very keen to say he cooks about twice a week but it used to be only once a week, then I went swimming one night (for exercise) and now he really does do it twice a week!

"He does take the kids out at weekends although typically I'm doing house stuff at this time (although I appreciate the peace and quiet!)." Do you have to be doing stuff in the house?

Could you be out seeing a friend? Or going to the gym/swim/cinema/shopping for fun? Or if at home could be bubble-bathing it and not tidying up.

I do know a messy house is a pain, mine is a tip! But i also think you need some sanity and you need some me time.

Think of that phrase "I dusted once, it came back, I'm not falling for that again!" Or words to that affect.

Good luck, please make time for you.

Hi Italian,
Thanks for your thoughts! I actually really hate having to decide each day what we will eat! You're right that I shouldn't have to tel him! And I should let him work it out! He is fully aware he has no clue what happens when in the household but then he takes care of all our finances (I can and have managed this in the past but he kind of took over when I was on adoption leave for two years and had no money coming in and it just stayed this way) so I feel I perhaps did him a disservice the other night as I was feeling really grumpy!!!
I have booked a cleaner for Friday and am looking forward to some me time on the weekend when he is out with the girls!! I really appreciated everyone's comments, I was having a bad time and it did help.

Well done!

Another thought - given you hate having to decide everyday what to eat, which I get COMPLETELY! - how about a scheduled menu? I like a bit of flexibility, but to have some sort of routine helps.

For us:
Monday - burger, chips and salad (salad often cherry tomatoes, no effort required)

Tuesday - curry of some sort (curry pastes bulk cooked and frozen or from a jar, on a bad day I put in frozen mixed veg and a tin of chickpeas, other days I get more creative)

Wednesday - open, as DD has no after school activities so there is time to think/cook/use up what needs using up. I have things like crumbed fish bakes in the freezer for when I can't be bothered

Thursday - pasta and sauce (basic tomato sauce bulk cooked and frozen, then I add veg, mince, whatever, or on a bad day just grate some cheese over the top)

Friday - baked potato and salad, toppings depend how much I can be bothered

Weekend there is less time pressure, so I either go 'domestic goddess' and potter round the kitchen quite happily, or to the other extreme and we have beans on toast

But just knowing what we're having, and having the basics ready prepped, takes a lot of the pressure off.

When we were in a very bad patch sometimes the evening meal was instant noodles with frozen mixed veg, and some grated cheese on top. Not my finest moment, but we survived and didn't get scurvy!

I also allowed myself to buy ready prepared veg, and ignored my mother's voice in my head expressing her disapproval of such extravagance...

Plus, I cook extra for DD's packed lunch, then put it aside before serving the evening meal to make sure it doesn't get eaten. Then in the morning I just need to add the extras such as fruit, yoghurt etc. DD hates sandwiches, and I hate making them, so it works for both of us!

Whatever short cuts work for you and your family, take them.

Great update.