It's not awful...

[CharlieSays13]

We brought our 3 LOs home just a little over a year ago. We expected it to be tough but until you are living the reality of having 3 traumatised kids in the house you really can't imagine how hard it will really be. We did a huge amount of research and preparation and were well and truly put through our paces by our sw, approval panel and matching panel, and rightly so, we were as prepared as we could possibly be.

In so many ways the kids are doing so well, they're coping at school better than we thought they would. Our school is a huge support to us and completely understand the additional needs the kids have and we know how lucky we are in that respect.

They are now able to go to (separate) after-school activities and by in large cope fairly well although I can't leave them there unsupervised, but this is still a big step for them.

They have all made friends although they need significant help with this both from us and at school as they all have a "bossy" nature and easily alienate their peers. We understand that they are trying to exert some control in their lives but their buddies do not. Still, they are doing better in this area than we thought they would.

They have accepted their new family pretty well and love having grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Sadly not all of our family understand the issues our kids come with. For example my father thinks they should "be over it" by now and that he doesn't remember what happened to him when he was 3 so why should they. We've explained and given books on attachment and trauma for them to read but it not helping much. Truthfully our circles of support now bear no relation to what we submitted in our PAR, support comes from those we have met since the kids came home.

The kids have identified us as Mummy and Daddy right from the start although during a tantrum it's not uncommon for them, particularly our middle child to scream " you're not my fucking mummy" in my face. Hard to hear but not unexpected and we deal with it therapeutically and honestly.

We have to supervise them constantly, they want to play together but find it hard to do so, they bicker and argue constantly. They also wind each other up and if we do not step in at the right time things spiral until we have 3 hyper, out of control and very defiant kids. We do recognise the signs and often manage to stop it from getting to that stage. We have strong routines in place and this helps immensely.

We use PACE and my copy of the A to Z of therapeutic parenting is well used (it's also had a glass of wine spilled over it) and although slow we can certainly see the benefits.

So, there are so many positives, why is it that the best I can muster when I think about how things are going is, "it's not all awful". If I'm honest while my feelings for the kids has grown I can't honestly say I love them. I care for and about them, I will fight their corner to the death and I've made a commitment to them that I will honour until the day I die but I don't feel the love for them that I thought and hoped I would and I feel huge amounts of guilt about it. Has anyone else felt like this?

I don't really have anyone I can voice this to in RL, friends and family attitude is overwhelmingly, you've made your bed so lie in it. Sorry for rambling but it's good to get it off my chest.

Wow you are doing amazingly well under the most trying of circumstances. Hats off to you. Seriously. Other people have no clue what is involved in parenting 3 traumatised children and as you say they can be less than understanding !
Well, my question is What is love ?
Is it not putting their needs first every day, fighting their corner and being willing to fight to the death for them. Is it not accepting their v worst and being 100 % committed anyway ?
In my opinion love is less mushy feelings and sunshine and rainbows but is rather commitment and acceptance of them no matter what.

And tbh a year isn't that long . In time those mushy feelings may come but there is no doubt from what you say that these children have a lot to overcome and it will probably be a long haul before you are truly bonded as a family.
You sound amazing parents who are coping brilliantly by the sounds of it so dont beat yourself up over lack of sentiment at this stage. X

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.

You are spreading yourself around three demanding children. You say you care for them, would fight their corner to the death, are committed to them, isnt that what love is all about?
A year isnt that long really, it sounds like you have come a long way. Im seven years into adoption, life is so different to those early days, the challenges are different but we have found our groove.
Ive never met a parent yet who doesnt feel guilty about something and that can be a very hard emotion to deal with sometimes.
Still with the people who get it, let the others fall into the background.
You are doing an amazing job, dont forget that.

I hear you! My DH and I previously fostered two babies from newborn to around a year before rehabilitating them back to birth family. Since then we have adopted our two siblings who came to us at 2&3. I feel very similar to you and often think about it. I know I love my children and will fight for them to the end but I don’t have the same gushy love feeling that came with the two babies we fostered. Babies require a lot of physical touch and and rely on you for literally everything. With every prolonged physical contact (a bottle feed, nursing them to sleep etc) came the powerful protective love feeling that I hear my friends who have birth parents talk about. I had those feelings for the babies but not the same gushy feeling for my two. It took me a while to realise I did love them. The first time I realised I loved my son was when I became very emotional when talking to his new nursery teacher about his early trauma. I wanted to take it away from him then and there. I have realised that I don’t think I will ever have the same physical feeling I had for those babies with my children but that is ok because beyond a shadow of a doubt I love them, will do anything for them and will be there to the end for them. Also we have so much fun together I can’t imagine our house without them.

I could have written this about our 3. I remember when you're had just moved in and it's great to have an update! We're 18 months in and things are difficult! Sending love x

I care for and about them, I will fight their corner to the death and I've made a commitment to them that I will honour until the day I die

If that isn't love, I'm not sure what is. Is it possible you mean you don't feel the fluffy, saccharine feeling that supposedly accompanies parenthood? I'm not sure that exists; all parenting his hard work to some degree, what you've picked is doubly so.

In work I have met many awful parents who proclaim loudly how much they love their kids but have no idea what love is. Love is something we do: it's a verb, not a noun. You are doing it in spades and have no cause to feel guilty.

Love has many faces and even more reasons. I didn't acknowledge how much I care for my LO until BPs applied to contest the adoption order. For me, I can only tell I love someone by imagining what my life would be like without them tomorrow. My daughter is amazing. She is a caring, sharing, loving, feisty, independent, helpful, hyper vigilant whirlwind of energy. To not have her in my life would break my heart.

“It’s not all awful” is actually pretty good going, I think. Particularly because I remember you posting when by all accounts it was all awful. So, progress is happening though it might be very hard to see day by day.

For me the squishy loving feeling tends to come when my two are asleep or when they’re very upset about something. The rest of the time it’s shoulder to the wheel, hard parenting work. Which is love in action - every single day of their lives from here on in.

As for the “you’ve made your bed” types, you’re so better off finding actual real life people who get it. The people who I thought would be there for me post adoption and the ones who actually are are completely different sets of people, and it’s a much smaller group of people than I ever thought would be the case.

Thank you everyone, some very kind and some very sensible things been said, it's much appreciated.

I probably should cut myself some slack, I have form for being hard on myself. I just didn't expect to still be faking it till I make it a year on. But it's right enough, a year really isn't a very long time. I guess the drugery of just trying to keep them on a relatively even keel gets me down a bit. Do you ever feel like screaming "will you just do as you're bloody well told!!!"

They are doing remarkably well considering everything they have been through, it's not all awful really is pretty good going. Especially as @jellycatspyjamas says, the first few months were very very hard. Thanks for reminding me. The gushy stuff may still come.

@Madelinea I'd love to hear how you're getting on with your 3.

I wanted to adopt, was incorrectly diagnosed as infertile. Went through failed matches then fell pg. My gorgeous baby is easy, wonderful, my whole world. Some days I also think “it’s not awful”. I think that’s ok though. I often think about the me in that parallel universe that adopted (we very nearly had 2 girls) and wish I could let her know that it’s hard some days anyway, whether they’re adopted or not you feel guilty and inadequate lots of the time.
I want you to know that you’re so amazing. You can feel like that doing it the biological way to a single, untraumatised child. What you’re doing for those kids will reserve you a seat on the comfiest couch in heaven with a massive wine glass that never empties. You are remarkable and I feel that way often too without any of the reasons you have

Do you ever feel like screaming "will you just do as you're bloody well told!!!"

Every. Single. Day. And sometimes I do - and they’re ok, we fix things and move on. It took a long time for me to “love” my daughter - as in gushy loving feelings, and I think when they’re older it’s harder and takes more time. They’re doing well because you’re amazing - even when you don’t feel like it.

Op I hugely admire what you are doing. It must be incredibly hard and I am so sorry that you are not getting the support from some family members that you and your children so greatly deserve.

It sounds like you are doing an incredible job mothering your children. They are so lucky to have you and I wish you tears and years of growing love....

Goldie x

It sounds as though you are doing wonderfully and that things will get better and better.

However, I am going to disagree with what PPs have said about love - purely based on personal experience. You know your own feelings better than anyone, and if I have understood what you have said correctly the kind of love you are referring to is emotional intimacy kind of love, connection - is that right? If so, in fact I think this is vital for children, just as the caring kind of love where you care for them and protect them is.

I do also think that that kind of love is the sort that can grow. Also if you look at ahaparenting.com, the woman who writes it (a child psych) talks a lot about love, about how connection with the dc is vital, and also about loving yourself - I can link a few links if it would help. Also in every situation it is something which needs work at times, sometimes you need to consciously reconnect.

Re the A-Z of therapeutic parenting, I'd recommend you use ahaparenting instead, which is based on literally decades of research and is extremely therapeutic and extremely clear and extremely comprehensive. The A-Z in my opinion and experience isn't truly therapeutic in many parts and it misses out too much important stuff (sorry to the author if you are reading this) - some of the parenting I received as an adoptee as a child was based on similar principles to A-Z so I have some personal experience of it.

M Scott Peck had a phrase something like "Love is an action, not an emotion".

Every thing you write in your post speaks of how much you love them. You may not "feel" it's love but that's what it is.

It took me a long time, and lots of guilt, before I realised that the 'emotional intimacy type of love' I wasn't feeling for DD1 was because she was unable to accept that type of love, and found it threatening. She still (aged 20) cannot cope with the vulnerability it takes, and has to be in control, but can now cope with turning to me for help and support at times.

OP, it sounds as if you are doing amazingly well. Just over a year in is still early days! You are rebuilding foundations that, in adequately cared for children, would have been put it place from the start.

the 'emotional intimacy type of love' I wasn't feeling for DD1 was because she was unable to accept that type of love, and found it threatening I think that it is possible to move on from this, though. I think that there could be many reasons for it in the beginning, and then it becomes the child or adult not having anywhere to pin it - as though the relevant part of the brain is not connected properly - the feeling can't be put anywhere or processed and it then is rejected/becomes threatening/causes other emotional outbursts - and they have literally no idea what emotional intimacy looks like or feels like, and the way through being to talk about it, about how it feels, why it is threatening, to help their thinking and the processing to adjust so that when they experience it, it is easier, and help them be more open to it. This is a very non-expert view however, as I am just talking from personal experience. I would say that it is worth believing that things can turn around, though, as living without understanding that part of our nature is a bit like living without a limb. I don't think I properly "got it" until I had dc.

I have read posts by people who do (adult) relationship counselling, and I think that they talk about a similar thing - that once the understanding and awareness of the feelings is there everything becomes a lot easier.

OP you sound amazing. You should he really proud of what you’re doing. I second what pps say, love is a verb.

Thanks very much for the additional replies since my last update. Again some very sensible and very kind things said. It has prompted a lot of thinking by us both and we were discussing where we are now compared to where we were a year ago.

We recently had half term and had what was by in large a pretty good week. We had a lot of fun at different activities, I had an extra 2 kids for some of the week and I copied fine. The house and our business kept on going, yes we mostly just got the basics done but we weren't miles and miles behind by the time the kids went back to school. We had some really good, nice moments.

Last year after the October break we were both wrecked, I actually cried with relief when 2 of the kids went back to school as I was so frazzled. What a difference a year makes!

I guess we get so caught up in the day to day that we don't reflect enough on how far we've come as a family.

Thanks everyone who took the time to post.

Lovely to hear, OP!

Just think what next year could be like!

Thanks for the update!

OP, I think you’re doing so amazingly. You’re basically a hero. Friends of mine adopted three siblings and I think it’s just the hardest thing you can do.

We adopted one at 8 months and later a sibling of the same age, and have had it so easy by comparison, I sometimes think we’re ‘cheating’.

I think you sound really honest and insightful about your feelings, which is such a strength and a really valuable thing to teach your kids.

I guess too that it’s a marathon, not a sprint.