Best preparation advice before adopting?

[ILoveEvie]

First time posting so hoping I do this right! I’ve read through a number of the threads in this area and it’s been fascinating and eye-opening.
My husband and I have begun to seriously consider, discuss and make enquiries about adoption but we’d be hoping for a placement in around 2 years time (for various reasons). We are both in our 30s and have no children, biological or otherwise.

My question is:
What are the best ways we can begin to prepare ourselves? I’ve listened to adopter and adoptee stories on the Adoption and Fostering Podcast, I’ve signed up to an information evening and I’m hoping to make contact with some adopters to talk through the nitty gritty...
My research all suggests that almost every children will have experienced trauma and behavioural/developmental/etc etc issues will likely be present... has anyone done any studies around this to prepare themselves?

I’ve also considered writing a diary, blog or scrapbook in which I can write to the child/children now so I can show them later on that this decision to adopt was deliberate, thought out and that they were wanted and prayed for before we even met... any thoughts/ideas/suggestions on this?! We’re also considering a sibling group (pref two) so how would we do this without knowing whether we’ll have one, two or more children?

Sorry for the long post!!!

TL;DR- any prep advice for first time adopters with approx 2 years to work with?!

Research, research, research - developmental trauma, attachment, FAS would be a good start. Try and get childcare experience with the age group you are interested in , with additional needs children if possible. Make sure you know what facilities are available in your area, schools, support groups etc
Practical stuff - Get any work done that needs doing on the house/garden with a view to being child friendly. Get your finances in order, reduce any debts.
Go On A Big Grown Up Holiday !

I pulled these Tips from a few different adopters. Hope they help:-
During adoption process:
Push if you feel you need to. There is a child out there waiting to be loved. If it’s love shining through then really it doesn’t matter if you don’t end up on the social workers Christmas card list. They will have moved on to the next family really quickly whilst you are bonding with your child.
There are lots of adoption agencies out there. If you aren’t making progress with the one you initially signed up for then think about at least looking into a different one….amazingly when we told our social worker we were going to do this the paperwork suddenly speed up.
You son or daughter is already out there waiting for you. Don’t be shy if things are going slow. Roar like a lioness so they get to be with you quickly.
Don’t be afraid to say if you are not getting on with your social worker. It doesn’t have to be a complaint but the relationship you develop is key to them finding the right match for you. You wouldn’t be afraid to go to a different car salesman.
You do not – and no one can be reasonably expected to have – all the answers. Basic questions about how you’d cope and your thoughts on things like how much leave you’ll take are reasonable to show you have ‘thought things through’ but really until you know more about the child, their age etc. there are some things you can’t decide. It wouldn’t be right to. You just need to show that you are thinking about the child & what it would be like to have children in your family
Do be as honest as you can. We all know it’s horrible looking at pictures etc and ‘rejecting’ children. We all know that sometimes you can’t say quite why you don’t think child a is right for your family. You will feel bad about it but it’s truly heart breaking for everyone though when an adoption placement breaks down. The right child is out there for you.
Ask about financial support. Adoption Support Allowance is payable. Adopters are not often told about it. You don’t have to be on a low income – its about the needs of the children and whether you have the financial means to met them. It’s there to be claimed like any other allowance but you might have to ask.
Have you thought about your thoughts on meeting siblings, contact with birth families etc. Social workers will have their thoughts. If in any doubt be cautious. You can up the amount of contact or change it’s type later but the basic is always a letter once a year swopped via the Adoption team. Push them to understand why you should do more if it’s suggested.
After you’ve been matched…
Ask to met as many people as possible who know the child. They will tell you about the child that they know now. Ask them if they can also remember what the child was like when they came into fostercare. This may be a much better indication of what they will be look during the transition phase. We were told our son was a happy smiling boy. We got an angry horrible little boy. When we talked to the social worker and foster mum they said ‘oh yeah he was like that when he first came here’. It would have been helpful to him and us if the adults had have had a chance to learn from that.
If at school or nursery ask for their latest report or for one to be produced. You need to understand the gaps that they have and what you need to do to help. If you are unfamiliar with school and nursery reports it’s worth taking time to go over some so that you can ask the right questions.
Ask about medical history. And ask again. If they don’t know they need to go back to the birth parents and find out.
Just a note of caution that this seems to be a time when people start asking questions about why you have chosen the adoption route. Lots of us experienced this. We think it’s perhaps because there is happy news so as one person said ‘I feel you I can ask now, always wondered why you didn’t have children’. If you haven’t previously told people say about infertility issues are you (and if a couple it obviously needs to be both of) now happy too?
So worth thinking about…who / how are you going to tell people about the adoption? You might want to think broader than your family. Think about who it would be nice for the child to know who has been waiting and excited to met them. Your Aunt Nell might not be as interesting to them as the lady in the corner shop who they might see more frequently anyway and who sells sweets.
The first few weeks can be isolating so don’t be afraid to have the equivalent of a hen / stag do with your mates.
What will the ‘ground rules’ be about people buying the children presents? Nearly every adopter found that their children came with quite a lot of stuff and it will be the stuff they are familiar with that they will be likely to want. It really isn’t worth buying in lots if you can avoid the temptation. It can be overwhelming. Remember when buying things that your child has potentially had gaps in their experiences – so may need say jigsaws for a younger age but be a whizz on xbox games that are far to old. It’s better to shop later then the child get very frustrated. If young then playgroups are helping in testing out what they need and a local toy library can be great resource as they will quickly catch up with your love and attention but they may need to plug some of those developmental gaps compared to their biological age.

Use the adoption teams support to push to get the children places in your preferred school, in after school activities like Rainbows or Cubs. It all helps build their presence in your life and the local community. Especially important if they are already attend.
Good tip – talking photo frames are a great introduction to the family for your child. You can get very child friendly ones but also ones that are more grown up looking designed for adults with dementia. It allows the child to get used to your voice and that of the family. Means they can go back to the pictures if they are worried they have forgotten people’s name and who they are. . 
Keep asking about information on the birth family. You have the attention of the adoption agency now. They lose interest very quickly after placement if all is going well but by then you might have questions that you can’t get answers to. You will need to know about them to answer questions from the children but also re health etc.

Met the birth parents if you can and then you can tell your children about them. Most adopters were wary of doing this but none regretted it after.

Introduction week…or fortnight or whatever they decided how long it will be…
Tip 1 – its your week. Be as assertive as you feel you need to be about where you go or what you will do. We got talked into McDonalds as our foster mum said it in front of the children. We subsequently found out that they had been a lot and it wasn’t the tone we’d have wanted to set.
Tip 2 – you are likely to already feel a fish out of water being suddenly ‘mummy and daddy’ and the child/ ren are highly likely to test you. . If you are going to any venues you don’t know it might be worth a look on line at photo galleries or actually nipping to the venue so that you know where things like the toilets are etc. so that you can be in charge.
Tip 3 – ask the foster carers what they usual take somewhere for the child and will they be providing say a nappy bag if appropriate or do you have it. Really they should but you at least need to know.
Tip 4 - you will probalay have been running round to get everything ready and what with the adrenalin it does end up being really shattering. The children go back to their foster carer but you have the house to put back together, ‘stuff’ to plan for the next day etc. If you are offered any help with this take it! You need to enjoy the experience as much as possible and just like any new Mum and Dad your first priority is time with the children, second is sleep!
Tip 5 – ask for a clear list of what the child will be bringing with them. You might need to know the exact number of pj’s they are bringing but you do need to know the toys etc and to be able to plan storage and how you will transport them or if you need to actual buy anything. Going shopping though if you need to can be one of the activities in the intro period.
Tip 6 Pre-plan meals for you and them. Get a sample menu from the foster family of the sorts of things that the children like. Buy some good will by making meals they like and don’t fight small battles too early on.
But Tip 7….. set ground rules…they should have been well prepared for the fact that there is to be change. So if you always eat at the table then that’s how it is in the their home. Everything will seem strange to them but exciting also.
Top 8 – don’t forget about adoption support allowance if you haven’t sorted it out already. It’s there to help with the costs of the child. You might not need it always but the first year of any adoption can be very expensive. If you child isn’t a baby you will be lucky if you have child at the right age etc to mean that people can pass on hand me downs. You are likely to get them involved in after school sports
Do not worry if it feels very odd indeed. You do need to be ready to fake it big time. Most adopters find that the children act out and act odd. They do not seem at all like the children described by the social worker, foster parents, schools etc who have worked with the children.
You may not love your child at first sight. They are highly unlikely to love you. They may well not like you. They are likely to be angry and fed up with the whole thing. This will be your fault. They will be unimpressed with most things…..but there is nothing like hearing them say they love you and one day they will. You will wake up one day and find that you are totally besotted with them. This might be day 2 or year 4. It will happen. It is worth the wait.

After placement:
You will be advised not to introduce to many people too quickly. Sound advice but lots of adopters take this to heart – we did & ended up being quite isolated. You need to bond but doesn’t mean people can’t come round after the children have been to bed or as soon as you feel the children or you are ready. Don’t forget you in all this. You need your family and friends. They can help you put the house back together make sure you are fed, do the ironing etc etc.
Try and ignore the fact that everyone is looking to see how you are doing. They mean well. Yes, they are annoying. Ask any new Mum or Dad. You have the greatest get out line for advice….’the social worker said we had to do it like that’.
Try and remember that it isn’t always about the adoption
Use the after adoption support. Use it again and again. They are meant to tailor a package for you that means that the placement is successful. Don’t be shy about it. Remember that last week they were paying hundreds of pounds a week for the child to be looked after. If you need support they can source it.
Never be afraid to go back and say if something like the contact isn’t working for you or your child. This might be because they actually want more contact and if you are comfort with say now swopping photo’s the adoption team are there to advise, of course, but ultimately to also support you to make what works for your family happen.
And finally fish fingers are pretty much the answer to everything….well unless you are vegan or vegetarian 😊
And really finally….it’s an amazing adventure that you are starting on. It is as unique as every child. As every family. The end point is worth it. After years of disappointment one very hot June day a senior social worker kept us trapped in a room going over and over the fine points of the placement order and the introduction plan. Even when the foster mum had to step out of the room to make sure her baby sitter was okay to stay he kept going. Eventually we were able to go to their foster home and we’ll never forget ringing the bell and hearing our little boy shout ‘yeah, it’s my new Mummy and Daddy’. The door opened and he grabbed his Daddy’s hand to take him off to show him that his foster brother’s xbox and then my little girl toddled up to me and we had our first cuddle……

Sorry I know that's a massive

Start building child care experience with a variety of children. I work with children with social and emotional challenges from trauma and that has made a huge difference with our references and the application. I didn't have experience in the area when I first started. I just got a job in a primary school in a deprived area and ended up working in their nurture room. Along with the job came training in attachment theory and child development. It's been a great insight to my own abilities and I've learnt loads. I'm sure you could volunteer doing the same with a school.

Thank you all!
Such great tips... love the idea of a Big Grown Up Holiday!
NWQM- thank you so much for all that info... I’m gonna copy and paste that and digest it over time!!!

I hope you don’t mind OP but we’re just starting to look into the possibility of adoption so I’m just marking your thread :)

Absolutely! Go ahead.. are you at the very beginning stages? Have you approached an agency or LA yet?

Very very beginning, we’ve not been able to conceive naturally and because of our jobs adoption is something we’ve always been interested in doing rather than IVF but haven’t approached anyone at this stage x

@Mooey89 - good luck with it all

I'm at the same stage as @Mooey89 (choosing adoption rather than IVF) so I appreciate of your thread, OP, some great info here; there's so much to take in and research.

@ILoveEvie are you thinking LA or VA? We really like the idea of F2a for continuity for LO but I’m not sure about the unknowns because I already have a 6 year old at home.

We took about 18 months to go through the process at our own pace. Would say most useful thing you can do to prepare is start reading. I've copied my reading list for you below

Reading List:

▪ No Matter What by Sally Donovan
▪ What to Expect when you’re Adopting by Dr Ian Palmer
▪ The Whole-Brain Child by Dr Daniel J. Siegal & Dr Tina Payne Bryson
▪ The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting by Sally Donovan
▪ Parenting a Child with Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties by Dan Hughes
▪ The Adopters Handbook by Amy Neil Salter
▪ Attachment handbook for foster care and adoption by Gillian Schofield and Mary Beek
▪ Building our Family by Tom Ussery
▪ Therapeutic Parenting in a Nutshell by Sarah Naish
▪ How I Met My Son by Rosalind Powell
▪ My Name Is Leon by Kit De Waal
▪ Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
▪ An Adoption Diary by Maria James
▪ New Families Old Scripts by Caroline Archer and Christine Gordon
▪ A Child Called ‘It’ by Dave Pelzer
▪ Related by Adoption by Hedi Argent
▪ A Child’s Journey through Placement by Vera I. Fahlberg
▪ Cut by Cathy Glass
▪ The Lost Boy by Dave Pelzer
▪ Little Prisoners by Casey Watson
▪ Mummy Told Me Not to Tell by Cathy Glass
▪ Saving Danny by Cathy Glass
▪ The Silent Cry by Cathy Glass
▪ Another Forgotten Child by Cathy Glass
▪ Girl Alone by Cathy Glass
▪ Can I Let you Go by Cathy Glass
▪ Attachment, Trauma and Resilience by Kate and Brian Cairns
▪ Will you love me? By Cathy Glass
▪ Creating Loving Attachments by Kim S. Golding and Daniel A. Hughes
▪ Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel A. Hughes
▪ First Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts by Caroline Archer

There's a lot more I've read since in terms of actually parenting my ACs but that lot was all very useful along the way.

Wow! Cathy Glass has been busy..
That’s quite the reading list! Thank you.. I’ll take a look at those!

We’re considering going through a VA- I like the idea that they have access to children across the country and not just locally. However, we’re going to go to an info evening led by both just to get a more complete picture of how each works.. if we went LA we would probably choose a neighbouring authority rather than our own. I feel uncomfortable with that idea that we could run into the birth family.

I understand that we may be asked to get some experience with children of the age we hope to adopt.. has anyone got thoughts on what is expected of us?! We’d need a weekend option really, taking regular time out of work during the week just isn’t possible at this stage!

Re who to go with - any agency would have access to the national lists of children waiting for adoption.

In terms of local authorities normally go with a local one but no they won't place a local child for the reasons that you've said. A few local authorities have pooled their resources so you get LA agencies made up of x boroughs / cities. This can make finding a placement easier as they know the adopter they have in training and the child waiting.

In terms of experience I suppose we'd need to know the ages of the child / children you are hoping to adopt to be able to say but any experience is good even if it's with family members from your wider family. Any sports or clubs locally that need a hand?

We’re thinking of a two siblings, around 4 & 2/3.. at the moment! We realise we will need to be flexible and see who is looking for their new home when we’re ready.

We do have lots of friends and family with kids around that age and we look after them occasionally. I’m sure they’d all be more than happy for us to increase that!!!

Thanks @NWQM! You’re a wealth of information!

I think spending time with the children you know would be good.

Organisations like Barnardos do if course offer volunteering but as like you we were working it is trickier.

Don't forget though it's a marathon not a sprint

Thanks @NWQM- I do keep reminding myself of that:.. and we have plenty of time! I just like to get on with things once I’ve decided to do something!!!

IKnow exactly what you mean so in erms of 'getting on with things'....we were given the following advice.

• making a house child friendly can actually - depending on the house - take a while so crack on with that especially if you are already thinking of decorating as again nothing lost if you dont go down the adoption route;
• do a bucket list type thing of the things or places that you want to do / go to but aren't child friendly and start ticking them off.

I'd also add:-

• spend time with children of the age group you are thinking of adopting but do it in soft areas etc if you can that you might then use in the first few weeks. Everyone I've spoken to feels really self conscientious at first and the children are testing you. It helps if you know the layout, where the toilets are etc. At worst you will hopefully have had fun...although soft play areas can be hellish :-)

Hi everyone, I am a single parent with two teenage children 15 & 13. I have always been very interested in adoption but after having my two wanted to wait until they were old enough to understand and be involved in the decision.

I have been reading about it a lot and people seem to have all kinds of experiences with adoption. I have made the first step of requesting information from LA’s and Barnados. I do work but the hours are flexible and I often work from home.

My thoughts are for an older child 5 upwards but other than that I don’t have set ideas.

Really I’m looking for any advice. We would love to add to our little family and offer a child a loving safe home. I know it won’t be easy and must be utterly terrifying for a child to be placed into a new family. I have probably read to many scare stories on these platforms. We do have a little dog and a cat who we adore and I would hate to put them at risk. I suppose a question would be home to manage and protect them and protect any child.

Sorry, I might have rambled a little, just trying to get my head around it all. Thank you for any helpful advice.

Older children - and in adoption terms 5 is “older” can come with different challenges to younger ones. Their attachment style is impacted more because they’ve missed key stages in development, emotionally, psychologically delayed etc. But there is usually more known about older children, so you have a clearer idea of what the challenges might be, because they’re further along the line. I adopted older children and yes there are challenges but they aren’t physically aggressive or violent, they aren’t a danger to pets in the house or anyone else. The challenges actually stem from just how much love, physical affection and time they need, ie all the time in the world.

If you don’t feel you could cope with violent behaviour, say so because by that age there’s a good chance the worker will know if “dysregulation” means the child is aggressive. Most aren’t in my experience.

I would listen to the CreatingaFamily.org podcasts. The interviewer is an adopter and author herself and is interviewing experts in the field. I have learned heaps and heaps from that radio show. You can download the podcasts for free from iTunes and their website.

There is an excellent book called "Preparing for Adoption" by Julia Davies. It covers a lot.

I would also recommend
Sally Donavan's books (No Matter What, The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting)
Sarah Naish on Therapeutic Parenting
Dan Hughes and Kim Golding on PACE
Bruce Perry (The Boy who was Raised as a Dog)
Holly van Goulden Real Parents, Real Children
Karyn Purser The Connected Child
Big Steps for Little People
Helen Oakwater Want to adopt?

I would also recommend to read evidence based parenting books such as The Incredible Years by Webster-Stratton, How to talk so Children will Listen, plus books on the effects of trauma on brain development, trauma, effects of drugs and alcohol on the unborn child and about the most common mental health problems. It is a lot, but most likely you will have heaps of time to get through it all.

Thank you
That’s really helpful advice

Be prepared to give up control.
Decide if you want to adopt domestically in UK or an international adoption and, if the latter, begin researching countries.
If domestic from UK look at the types of birth family contact that can stay in place for the child so you understand the relationships that can be part of your life for years to come (and that will impact you and your family).
Read as many blogs, books and articles as you can.

As a previous poster has said, it is more likely that an 'older' child (school age) will have fewer uncertainties about any potential issues. Once they are in school the environment cannot fit around their needs so easily, so difficulties get highlighted. Plus, fewer children at this age are seen as suitable for adoption, so it is more of an assessment about whether this specific child is suitable for adoption, and why. With babies it can be more of a generic decision if birth family cannot parent, as so much is open about their on-going development.

As an 'older child' adopter I am all in favour of it! DD1 had a fairly horrendous few years as a teen, but at aged 20 has come through it and is now fulfilling the potential she showed as a child to be a lovely, caring, intelligent person. DD2 is heading into teen years (oh joy!) and ramping up the attitude, but her strengths and weaknesses are the same as identified in her first year of school. She is mostly delightful though I am sure will give me a few more grey hairs.

Love both of them to the moon and back, over and over again and am so glad those loving, hopeful, funny little girls are turning into loving, hopeful, funny young women.

Also to add, think about whether you would feel you had missed something if you didn't have the 'baby' years. But keep in mind adopted children often need a bit of 'babying' to fill the gaps they missed. DD2 in particular liked to be snuggled with a bottle (sports bottle, to mimic a baby's bottle) of milk until she was 6 or 7.