At what point were you sure you wanted to adopt?

[cluecu]

Good afternoon all.

I am new to this section of Mumsnet as a poster, though I have been reading the threads for a long time as we have progressed through fertility treatment.

After 5 rounds of IVF (NHS & private) and four very early miscarriages, we decided last year that we would not try again. We are now at the beginning of exploring adoption.

I have had an initial telephone call with my LA today and we wil be attending their next open evening. After that we will decide if we would like to progress our application.

My question is really, at what point should I be certain about adoption? Am I likely to come away from the open evening with a clear decision either way or can it sometimes be fairly fair down the process before you are sure?

I am very aware of how difficult and wonderful adoption can be. My DH and I have days where we feel positive about remaining childfree (if that makes sense), many more days where we do not but we are still not sure.

I would be interested to hear of any insights from people who have had similar feelings and how you then proceeded, and how that has worked out so far?

Thank you so much

Hi - I'm not sure if I'm going to be much help but here goes!

Myself and DH also tried TTC for 2-3 years before considering adoption, though we were never interested in the IVF route (just had standard NHS fertility checks). After the introduction evening (about 4 years ago now) I remember getting into the car afterwards really clearly. We looked at each other and basically said " it sounds a bit scary but we absolutely want to do it".

We were as certain as we could be and the Stage 1 and 2 training / assessment / filling our our PAR (Prospective Adopter's Report - basically your life in a nutshell). We were approved at panel last year and were so excited and hopeful for the future. The reason it took a while to get to that stage is that we decided to move to a bigger house, ours took time to sell, we took time to find what we wanted etc. So time from starting stage 1 to approval panel was about 11 months (we'd been told 6 but knew that was basically a fib).

Fast forward a year and we are at a bit of a crossroads. We've had a match fail (through no fault of ours, but some appalling behaviour by FCs and childrens' SW). We made an official complaint (upheld on all 9 points) and have picked ourselves up ready to go again. To be brutally honest we are both not sure if we have the resilience to go through another match. We've taken time out, have talked and reflected with each other and our SW. Currently feeling chewed up and spat out by the process.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread or put you off (there are FAR more distressing stories than ours) but we are still back and forth after initially being certain that adoption is for us.

BUT I'm still trying to hang onto the thought that in years to come we may regret putting ourselves through a brutal process and having fuck all to show for it. I think we will proceed but we're a bit battered emotionally and much wiser. And far more likely to (appropriately) push back when we are unhappy with something.

I hope this helps and doesn't send you running for the hills

Personally I think you need to be sure it's the right decision. The process is time consuming, intrusive and emotional. You will have a ton of paperwork, medicals, have to attend prep groups, DBS checks, people will need to provide references for you, not to mention your home visits with SWs. It's a lot to do if you aren't sure and will take up a lot of very valuable social worker time which could be spent on children or people who are sure.
Having said that you can pull out at any time. I don't think you need to come out of an info evening with a decision but use them as part of your decision making process.

Serenity thank you so much. I'm sorry for your ordeal and I really appreciate you talking about it to me. Hasn't scared me off but it's useful for me to be aware.

Ted yes I agree, I'm very reluctant to waste anyone's time and I'm hoping the open evening leaves us feeling a lot more certain.

Thank you both

I have a birth child who is 6 and an adopted child who is 4. When my eldest was 2 I was told I couldn’t have any more children. That day, I contacted the adoption agency. I knew I wanted another child and it was the only way for me to add to my family. Simple.

Was I sure id made the right decision? Absolutely not! There was lots of times I thought maybe I was a bit too hasty and should have thought about it more but I didn’t want my daughter to be an only child. She was the catalyst for it all.

Anyway after 2 years (from making the initial phone call) my son joined my family. That is when I really doubted what I’d done! My happy family of 3 was suddenly a really unhappy family of 4. This continued for 9 months then I started to see little glimmers of happiness. Playing football. Reading a story. Drawing a picture. Boring and mundane but no longer filled with sadness and trauma.

Is adoption right for me? Of course it is. I just have to look at my children. That’s what I’ve got to say, right? At times over the past few years I’ve really questioned it. I don’t think you can ever know for sure. The thing I do know is this my family and I couldn’t be prouder :)

Thank you for your lovely story Sarah

In my experience that feeling of “this is right for me” came and went. Our approval process was long and complicated by circumstances and at times we thought about just stopping, and at others we were utterly convinced it was right and to keep going. I don’t think it’s always as simple as adoption is right and that’s that.

I also think it’s pretty common to spend the first X months of placement thinking “what the actual fuck have we done” - doesn’t mean you made a mistake, the adjustment is hard going.

Thank you Jellycat that really makes sense to me

Sarah what a lovely post and I can so associate with it too.

When our dd was 2 we were told we would not be able to have any more children with my eggs.

I said I wanted to adopt and dh was happy with it but at the time the rules were we needed a bigger gap than we had and after few attempts at IUI (unsuccessful) and a wait of about three years I got cold feet! I then engaged in a few years of intensive IVF with donor eggs.

After about three years I was completely exhausted of fertility treatment and dh and I were ready for adoption.

It's not been an easy ride and yet I would not change it for the world.

Yes, Jelly I do think "“what the actual fuck have we done” " too!

cluecu hope you find the right way forward. Don't expect to have all the answers in one go, it's maybe a gradual thing. you can explore it before you go further officially. Read up a bit etc.

Serenity45 I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I hope you will find the strength to go on if this is right for you and your dh.

Hi I'm working up to panel in the next month or so. I'm taking it one day at a time after a total wobble this weekend. I would urge you to read this and see how you feel -Want To Adopt by Helen Oakwater and I have also had The Boy Raised As A Dog recommended. You need to acknowledge you might not ever achieve the visions of your family and child you thought you'd have. You might get through things (and I hope you do) but you need to be realistic about what your life might look like. Don't want to be doing and gloomy but sometimes the reality can get washed over with the occasional daydream. You're doing it for the child, not you which is incredibly hard but no doubt rewarding. Make sure you speak to adopters and get a balanced opinion. Good luck x

Thank you Italian and Beakster

I have put some book titles together and will add those to it.

We have had plenty of moments when we have questioned whether we did the right thing by adopting. Do you know though my friends have all very honestly said that there have moments when they have thought what have we done... why didn't we stay childfree etc.

Given how hard parenting it is I think it might be a little weird if you didn't to be honest.

It's also full of so much joy though & that keeps you going.

I worked with children, some of whom were in foster care and I remember sat with a foster carer talking about how the children she had were going to be looking for adoptive parents soon. We were just about to start our second round of IVF after 6 years of TTC and I sat there and though 'what are we doing!'. I had had two surgeries and numerous hospital visits the previous year all related to infertility and both my husband and I were miserable on this desperate quest for our own baby while these children who I adored were desperately needing a family. At that moment I came to realise that some people are born to make incredible babies while others have the strength and love to foster or adopt. Creating a baby just isn't in our life story but we have everything crossed that adoption will be.

Hi @cluecu we made our minds up when there was a choice between continuing fertility treatments with donar eggs or adopting. At that point we had to grieve any biological connection anyway and had never considered staying childless so would have always chosen one or the other. A pros/cons list pointed us towards adoption and it felt like the right path.

I would say if remaining childless is an option on the table for you to really explore it and see what you really want.

Like @Serenity45 and many others we have had a very tough approval and matching process and feel thoroughly chewed up and spat out. My mental health was in tatters for nearly 3yrs during the process. If the match with my DD hadn’t gone ahead we had already decided not to continue. If the drive to have a family hadn’t been so strong and I found the option of remaining child free an ok possibility I would have pulled out much earlier.

On the other hand we know ppl who have breezed through the whole process. And there’s certainly enough happy families in the end to evidence it is a good way to have a family.

Thank you for sharing your stories Runner and Dash.

I am thinking that we of course go to the info evening with our LA. There is also one with one of the agencies happening in November. Should I be going to as many as possible or will that just become more overwhelming?

I think there are 2 aspects to info evenings - one is finding out about adoption and the process in general, and the other is finding the LA/agency you want to work with if you go ahead.

The general info should be fairly standard, so you don't need to go to as many as possible until you are ready to make a decision.

When you are reaching the point of signing up you are looking far more at the specifics of the organisation you choose to go with - how does their process work, what children are they typically looking to place, what post-adoption support do they provide - those sorts of questions. Then it would make sense to look around at which agencies work in your area and think about how many fit your criteria and are worth contacting.

For example, LAs will usually try to place the children they have responsibility for with families they have recruited, because it is cheaper for them. Some LAs have joined to form a consortium and all the 'consortium' families are considered for all the 'consortium' children. Therefore, to generalise, agencies will be looking for families for 'hard to place' children, because the ones that are easier to match will have been placed in-house by the LA.

However, a 'hard to place' child might be perfect for your family. For example, 'older children' are considered hard to place. But I know several adoptive parents who wanted to adopt a school age child, partly because they were single and needed to be able to go back to work without childcare being an overwhelming cost, and partly because once a child is in school you have a far better sense of their needs.

For other people experiencing the 'baby' years is important.

I read about one adoptive family that had adopted children with life-limiting conditions several times. Each child died, was mourned, and then they adopted again, they wanted every child to be loved and part of a family, and were emotionally resilient enough to be able to take children into their lives knowing that they would eventually lose them.

But for now I wouldn't worry about that too much (although getting some experience of working/volunteering with children with special needs of various sorts would be a good idea). Just go to a couple of info evenings, read a bit, carry on thinking about whether you want children to be part of your life, and if so, whether that is by being a parent.

Thank you aliington that's very helpful

Just wanted to give a sort of update here. We went to the info evening which we found emotional and informative. It was very good and the social workers were lovely and very experienced etc.

We still don't know what to do next. Is it OK to still hope each month that I might get pregnant? It's very unlikely after trying for 5.5 years with a low ovarian reserve in late 30s but is it immoral to take the next steps in adoption while I'm still hoping, unrealistically that I might have that miracle pregnancy?

Or is this normal and it's OK to be sad right now until I meet my future child (if all goes well).

God I'm confused

But I guess reading some books and thinking more and more might help reach a decision as I'm constantly flitting between choosing to remain childless, adoption and donor eggs (which I had previously ruled out).

Sorry just a bit of a stream of consciousness really

We have recently adopted a girl when she was under age 1. She's now 19MO I wouldn't change her for the world and she's an utter delight and we love her fiercely. Who knows what the future holds and what demons she's going to have to battle but we will get through them together but so far she's presenting as a wonderful, smart and well adjusted little girl. The hardest part for us was the bureaucracy involved. You have to be prepared for this. Lots of face to face sessions and very intense analysis of your entire life and childhood before the idea of you parenting a child is even entertained, then at least 2 matching panels which are pretty scary, then probably having to look through children's profiles like they're the bloody argos catalogue which is heartbreaking, then quite possibly having some letdowns before your final match (we were linked with some twins initially then someone else was chosen. I know now that our LG was perfect for us so it was meant to be but at the time it was gutwrenching) There's also more and more placements being disrupted before they even begin now too due to BPs being increasingly aware that they can contest placement orders etc and also more and more medical checks and family checks being necessary prior to placement (not saying this is a bad thing at all but for the adopter it can be bloody frustrating) Then even after the LO moves in with you you'll still have several weeks at least being scrutinised by the LA before you can actually apppy for the adoption order. In this time as well it's highly likely that BPs will continue to contest. We also had the additional complication that a family member was arrested for some pretty nasty things whilst our LG was in placement with us. Although we knew nothing about it until SS came knocking accusingly at our door and it was something totally out of our control and we were very clear from the minute we found out that this family member wouldn't be having anything to do with our chuld again we were still scrutinised very heavily about it and made to feel like we might be lying. It delayed AO being granted as well as one hearing was potsponed due to this going on despite the LA writing us a glowing report stating that they were entirely satisfied with our ability to safeguard our LG. All the above is the reality of adoption. Would I do it all again to have the absolute privledge of raising my amazing LG? Absolutely. Do I think that everyone could cope with the above or realises that they will likely have to cope with the above and maybe worse to gain that privledge? Nope! Which is why I'm putting the honest truth out there. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh or pessimistic. Just do some soul searching and be realistic about the challenges you're likely to have to face and you'll know in your heart of hearts if it's right for you and for the child who may be calling you mummy. Good luck xx

Oh and just read your most recent comment; There's nothing wrong with trying and hoping to get pregnant but once you start the application process for adoption your assesors will want to know that you're fully commited to adoption and have stopped trying to become pregnant. They'll probably also expect you to have had a 'grieving period' of at least a few months where you've had time to come to terms with this. Just something to be aware of xx

Just to add to the previous post, you may be asked to commit to contraception. We were approved at panel on the basis that we used contraception for at least 18 months. They want to make sure you are committed and that adoption isn't just a fall back.

Completely and utterly sure, wouldn't want life any other way even in the darkest moments? Well after the celebration hearing!

I first thought I'd like to adopt in my childhood, as adoption and fostering were a 'normal' in my family. However, I certainly wasn't completely sure I was doing the 'right' thing through the whole process. Sometimes I'd be "sure", then doubts and anxieties would creep in. However, I'm the type of person who is never 'sure' about anything much inside my own head. Even happily married couples can have a bit of uncertainty about their wedding, for example.

I am totally sure I did the right thing now, and would never change it.

However, if you're trying for a birth child still, you're not ready to try adoption.

Thank you everyone

So I'm thinking I must not be ready yet if I'm still hoping for a 'miracle' pregnancy and I wouldn't want to commit to contraception.

I guess I will revisit in a year or two

This might be a bit controversial but tbh I don’t think still trying for a baby naturally means you aren’t ready to adopt. I think if you are specifically hoping and praying for your own biological birth child then yes this does mean that you shouldn’t be taking the steps towards adoption.

However, we accepted the idea of not having a biological child but still carried on trying on and off during the adoption process. It has taken nearly 3yrs and with all sorts of delays and we wanted to keep trying any way possible to start a family.

We stopped trying completely when we starting matching. Prior to that it would have been a waste of SW time and resources which we wouldn’t have been proud of but would have felt worth it. Once matching started it was actual children and we didn’t want to jeopardise any match and mess children’s lives by getting pregnant.

If you are being tempted by the idea of donar eggs it sounds like you are accepting the lack of biological link but still interested in your options for being able to carry a baby, if so you probably should pursue this first xx

OP - go for it. Whatever will be, will be. Adoption is a very long; and at times torturous, process.
Get started on the road to approval and take it from there.

I would say get started.
That you are still hopeful of getting pregnant to me says you are hoping to be a parent and as the adoption process is so long it’s natural to be thinking of how else you might become a parent.
For me, it fluctuated. We knew for certain we wouldn’t have biological children after 4 failed ivfs but all through the adoption process I mourned and craved a child.
Even after ad came (at 14 months) I mourned missing out on pregnancy and infancy stages.
Now ad is 5 and I can’t express how much I love her. Now I am absolutely certain that adoption was right for us. But that certainty was a long time coming.