Reassurance that I've made the right decision?

[Somebodystired]

Adopted my gorgeous DS two years ago. We met his birth mum during introductions and got on very well with her, definitely felt a connection. We sent photos last year with letterbox which concealed his face. This year, I put a note in to the facilitators suggesting that I can email across some "view only" photos, along with the concealed face ones for this year. Everyone was happy with this.

I had a phone call on Friday from the letterbox facilitator asking us if there is anything BM can do for us to allow her to keep the "view only" photos. I agreed with them that if she signs a form stating she is aware they are for personal use only and she understands that if she shares them online contact can cease, she can keep them.

I dont think I've made the wrong decision. I trust her a lot, the photos mean the world to her and it seems like a small kindness that will make a big difference to her. DH is onboard. But I cant shake that niggly voice telling me that things can change and she may well abuse our trust in the future. I really dont think she will but nobody can be trusted 100%. But she poses zero risk to us, or to him, and i suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that this isn't a huge mistake!

I am a birth parent and have view only photos.i believe they are so precious to see them that if I was given a chance to keep them I wouldn't risk posting them online.

I think you have to trust your instinct and don't push yourself or feel under pressure. I would also see how the BM is engaging with the process.

If things change and she shares them in the future, you’ll deal with that if it happens. Presumably your DC will grow and change so photos won’t necessarily identify your LO down the line and you’d simply stop sharing them.

All you can do is trust your instincts and I do think each situation is different - my DC are older and I wouldn’t share photos for that reason but you make the decision for you.

I am not sure. Perhaps facial recogition technology in the future will be able to identify an adult using a photo from their childhood? But if BM is not a threat I suppose that might not matter.

I think the 'danger' of photos is the potential for the child to be identified in a way that is dangerous, or invades their privacy.

I would go with your gut instinct, and keep it under review.

My daughters arrived via fostering (respite then full time), no security concerns, so birth family knew where we live. Only the first mum was interested, and she reached the point of accepting that she couldn't care for the girls adequately, and being positive about them having me as their other mother. So we had direct contact, and it was never a problem. There are other first parents (such as darkriver here) who are able to put their child's needs in first place.

So, if your gut instinct (and previous experience of DS's birth mum's behaviour) is that she can be trusted with the photos, I would say to go ahead. The more the adults involved can trust and respect each other, and negotiate the relationship (through 3rd parties if appropriate), the better I think it is for the child. It takes away feelings of competition or having to choose 'sides' - because everyone is on the same side (the child's).

Of course, that is only possible where the trust and respect is mutual, but if you can achieve it, it is a wonderful outcome within a complex and sometimes painful situation.

We are in a similar position to Allington and also adopted our foster child. We maintain one direct contact a year and parents take photos on the understanding that nothing is posted online and so far that has worked fine. It is all about whether or not they are a risk to you .

I think you did the right thing.

We didn't meet birth parents (their choice) but remain open to it.

I think that you have to trust your gut and your dc will change so much that in future may well be unrecognizable.

Well done for caring. You can tell your son one day about how much you cared about his birth mim, which is a lovely thing.

The more the adults involved can trust and respect each other, and negotiate the relationship (through 3rd parties if appropriate), the better I think it is for the child. It takes away feelings of competition or having to choose 'sides' - because everyone is on the same side (the child's).

I think this is where I stand. Not every birth parent is waiting to snatch their child back like some child catcher. Some have the child's best interests at heart.

We've been sending good quality full face photos for 12 years now.
BM is not a risk, we can't see any issue in sending her photos.

The only downside is that photos of DC have thus not been allowed to appear online / local papers. But we probably would have done that anyway due to other birth family members.