Boyfriend but not adoptive parent?

[ChilledBee]

My friend is considering adoption in the .mid-term future as she cannot conceive. She has a new partner of a few months but he has 2 kids and although there is contact, his tweenage kids are not willing to be part of his life with my friend. They live separately and he has his kids alone. It is safe to say there is limited chance this will change in the future. He never went into this relationship planning to have more kids but is aware of my friend's plans and they've talked and decided to stick around but he has said that he is unsure/leaning towards not being involved in more parenting.

My friend hasn't formally looked into adoption that much. I have an adopted son but he was relinquished by an extended family member at birth and we took him in and eventually adopted him. My process meant that we haven't been through the same process as other people who have adopted. Of course we went through a vigorous process but it didn't bear much resemblance to the process I've seen on adoption documentaries and stories I have read where they expect you to have an extraordinary level of stability.

Anyway, the point of my thread is to ask whether my friend will be able to adopt as a single parent if she is in a relationship with someone who probably won't be the co-parent and has children who will likely refuse to be involved with the child even if he did agree to do it as a couple? I imagine they'd see a boyfriend as a source of instability, perhaps unfairly. But I know they are keen to avoid further disruption to the child. She doesn't seem to have considered that she might have to choose.

I'm a single adopter. Your relationships are very much scrutinised and I I just can't see it would work.
If they applied as a 'couple' , it won't work as both partners are assessed and social workers will not accept a partner who does not want to be a parent to a child.
Apart from anything else has she considered the impact on the child of their mum having a partner who is not interested in having anything to do with them. This applies whether they tried to adopt as a couple or she tried to adopt alone.
She cannot hide her boyfriend from SWs, he would still have to be assessed, and again SWs would not be willing to put a child in a situation where it is not actually wanted by a key person in the mum's life.
Even if they were to persude SWs, which is highly unlikely, has she really considered the impact on their relationship of a partner that refuses to be involved. Would he support her through the process which can be stressful and all consuming. If she had a child - What about weekends, holidays, would this child's presence just be merely tolerated. There would be no adult 'sleepovers' alllowed for a very long time. When my son first came home I really had no time, energy or inclination to think about anyone else, let alone a partner who did not want my child. I am nearly 8 years in and I still don't have the time, energy or inclination. I know a lot of single adopers, I don't know anyone who adopted as a single person who then went into a relationship whilst the child/children was still young.
What is the 'mid term'? SWs would be looking for an relationship to be established, usually a minimum of two years. Is she prepared to wait that long to see if he changes his mind?
I'm sorry but I just can't see how this could possibly work. Adoption is very challenging, Both partners need to be fully committed. I'm afraid she will very probably need to choose.
If she is serious about adoption to be honest I would cut my losses now, end the relationship and focus on adopting.

That's what I basically thought although the way she explained it to me is more like he would be around and involved with the child, just not as a parent. I just said "I know the rules around adoption are really stringent and the process quite invasive", but then she said something about parents having the right to a partner and it would have turned into a whole debate about the differences in expectations of a biological parent and an adoptive parent which wasn't appropriate at the time.

If she raises it again, I will say more about what I now know.

@chilledBee Well yes, we are all entitled to a life as a parent, but as any good parent knows, the needs of the child come first.
I suppose the question she should ask herself is, if she could have a birth child would she choose to do so with a man who only wants to be on the periphery of the child's life ? I'm guessing probably not. An adopted child doesnt deserve anything less.
This man has every right not to want more children, its not wrong. But she does. And as you know adopted children can be very challenging, Would he bail completely when things get tough? Thats a risk that SWs won't take.
I'm sure that if she starts to do some proper research herself she will begin to understand why SWs wouldnt support such an arrangement

Tbh it doesn't sound like your friend has thought through the complexities of being a parent, before adding in the further complexities of adopting. Children's needs must always come first and as a parent, no you don't have a right to a partner. I had to confirm that I would be happy to remain single for a number of years. Over 3 years in, i know that should I even have the time, energy or resources to have a relationship, it would be impossible as my child is permanently attached to me when we are not at work or school.

I adopted my sisters son, he wasn’t however voluntarily relinquished and he was at an age where finding a suitable adoptive family would have been fairly easy. Due to this I had to go through the standard adoption route, rather than an in family SGO. At one point he had been matched with a family and had introductions, but they then changed their mind.

I had a boyfriend at the time who I didn’t live with, SS weren’t overly concerned, they interviewed him once, carried out DBS etc and that was it. He didn’t meet my son for about six months, then when he did it was slow introductions as a friend etc. As far as my son was concerned he was no different to any of my other friends who sometimes came round the flat. He rarely came round when my son was at home, it was normally when he was at nursery or on his monthly sleepover with my cousin.

We did split up, but because he was just a friend who occasionally visited it wasn’t a huge deal. If he had been around him more often then it would have needed a more robust period of stopping contact, my son would have been about two and a half.

That was a while ago and I have been seeing someone else for seven months now, my son hasn’t met him. Again I see my boyfriend when my son is either at nursery or school (he just started reception), or on his sleepover at my cousins.

Depending on both the child and the parent relationships are possible.

LAs vary, in our adoption group there was an approved couple who were married, but had only known each other 1.5 years, sometimes approval takes longer than that!!! She does however need to think about the early days, my son started nursery after five months of living with me, so obviously I didn’t see my then boyfriend for five months.

@SimonJT but what you have described is a very restricted relationship which probably wouldnt work for most people.
I would think most people don't have jobs that enable them to meet with partners during school hours, and have a partner with similar job flexibility. How many partners would wait five or more months without seeing you or tolerate being such a restricted part of your life.
I'm guessing not that many.

Yes that's what I imagine to be the only way it would be acceptable to adoption agencies if they were certain it would be with those kinds of terms. I don't think they realise that. I think they think of it as if she was a single parent who had a SS review for whatever reason and she had a partner where they'd be interested to know he's "safe" and their relationship doesn't expose the child to abuse but that ultimately they wouldn't hold it against her.

Can't imagine it working. I don't think his children's failure to be involved would necessarily be an issue but his desire not to parent would be.

To be honest I told dh when we adopted, if I ever had to decide between kids and him, would decide kids. And I meant it. Luckily, it was never an issue! But adoption is just about the most committed you can ever be to a person, and so a half-hearted (in parenting terms) partner, well that doesn't seem to fit to me.

PS I'm mum to a child who is my birth child and another who is adopted. I don't mean I am more committed to my adopted child than my birth child. I love them both equally. But when you choose to 'take on' a specific child, who already has issues and has already lost at least one parent, usually birth parents and foster parents, you really do think about how important you are in their life and what that commitment looks like.

Hope that makes sense.