Sleep issues 😴😴😴

[Clarabeau78]

Hi ladies I'm hoping that you are going to be able to give me some advice or at least tell me I'm not alone.
My almost 4 year old adopted little boy has been with us for 18 Months and has always struggled with sleep the last 6 months is getting worse. He is up every 2 hours throughout the night you can set your clock by him! He wakes up realises we are in our bed then we have to go back to his room sit on the chair he goes off then it repeats itself over and over!!
How can I help him feel settled and ensure we are only next door.
He's very attached we have no other issues going on its just this. Now I know people will say he needs us next door but it's not sustainable to sleep on a chair uncomfortable wake up constantly and do a day work . too. We have had him in our bed but again that's not working either and I don't want him to be in our bed forever as we need to break that habit. He is obviously very tired next day and goes nursery 3 days so he is struggling there too.
We have tried nightlights the grow clock etc if you ask him why he does it he isn't saying that his worried about us etc as then I think it could be attachment related he says a dog barking or door closing or any number of things which none are true.
Any ideas suggestions is it not even adoption related 🤔
Thanks for reading.

When DD went through these phases I kept a camping mat and sleeping bag in my room. She could come in and settle herself down if she needed to, but was not getting in with me (which she would have wanted to do even if she didn't need to, so not creating a 'pull' away from her room).

So she could decide whether she wanted to be in the same room as me, or in her own room which was more comfortable (though the mat/sleeping bag wasn't unpleasant!). I could get my sleep, so could she.

It likely will be attachment related - secure attachment patterns take a very long time to establish and 18 months is still very early days yet, nit even half his lifetime.

My 6 year old has been with us for just over 2 years now and comes into our bed maybe 4 nights out of 7. Sometimes he’ll settle if we take him back through but sometimes not. To be honest we’ve just accepted that it’s a need for him just now and one of us will just move through to his bed, that way we all get enough of a sleep. He won’t do it forever, and it’s not every night so we just work with it.

My daughter is 8 and occasionally comes in beside us too. It’s not the first time my DH and I have been in the kids beds while they’ve slept in ours. It won’t be forever.

That may not be what you want to hear but, for us, the solution that gets the most sleep for the most people with the least amount of pain is what we’re aiming for.

Adding to say we co-slept often before that. But after a point every night was keeping me awake. And that wasn't good for our relationship!

Closeness and connection is important, and co-sleeping is great for that. But not if it makes you sleep deprived and short tempered.

Give as much physical connection as you can, while keeping your sanity. Eventually your child will want their privacy while they sleep/rest

For the first few months our LO came in with me or we curled up together on the sofa depending (no tv just letting hubby have the bed) on the time she woke up. We got a grow glo clock and it worked. I'd take her downstairs and hug her til she calmed then put her back to bed. This year however, now I leave the baby gate open at night she will come in at some point during the night between 1 and 6.30, usually around 4-5. She's been home 2 years and is 3. I'm hoping that when she is night potty trained it will gradually lessen. Hubby is currently sleeping on the sofa. For us, it works although if she's come in due to a bad dream then she plasters herself against me so I have to make sure I have plenty of bed in order to stay comfortable. The only rule is that she starts the night in her own bed.

The more you push your boy to stay in his room without you, the longer it will take to solve this. You need to bring him closer to you so he feels confident enough that he can be without you. If you have the room, one option would be a child's mattress and bedding on the floor in your room for him to go to when he's upset.

I second what @Allington and @ifchocolatewerecelery say re setting up an ‘emergency’ bed in your room. I ended up having to do the same after trying a billion other things with DD and with hindsight I wish I’d just set the emergency bed up from the start. It was the only thing that broke the nighttime waking pattern. My DD is a little older now (top end of primary) and we’d completely dismantled the ‘emergency’ bed in my room and she was happily sleeping in her room albeit with me sitting with her til she fell asleep. However, we’re currently having a really tough time as a family (lots of external stresses and pressures) and she’s asked to set up a ‘camp’ in my room (blow up mattress, sleeping bag etc) and she’s been sleeping there most nights. It’s not ideal but means we both get decent sleep and I know she’ll be back in her own room when she feels more settled.

I’d certainly recommend trying it if you can. Hope things improve for you.

In a particularly bad phase DD wanted physical contact, so I dangled my arm over the side of the bed so she could hold it (aged about 8 I think), I could doze if not sleep, and once she fell asleep she would let go and I would drop off into sleep without waking properly.

Whatever gives them the security they need while allowing you the rest/sleep you need!

DD is now 12 and we have a snuggle at bed time and then she goes quite happily to her own bed. If she wakes in the night she rarely comes to me, she makes herself a cup of tea and reads for a bit until she is sleepy again. She knows she can come to me, and if she has had a nightmare she does, but usually doesn't need to. It doesn't last forever! But the more security and connection you can give now, the easier it will be (hopefully!) later on.

My son turned four in June, he has been with me for 2.5 years, he is only just ready for his own bed.

He slept with me from day one, usually I would get in my bed with him and once he had his story etc, cuddle to sleep. Then when he was asleep I would read, work on my laptop, watch tv on my laptop with headphones in etc. That went on for just over a year, I was then able to get out of bed when he was asleep.

In March he started sleeping in his own bed and I could leave him in it awake as long as we had done story, kisses and cuddles. He would then get in my bed at about 4ish when he woke up.

A few times recently I have said no, taken him back to his own bed, had a quick story, cuddles etc and he has happily stayed there until morning. I’m aiming for him to continue being happy doing this some nights so in the future my boyfriend can stay over when he is fully happy with going back in his own bed and it’s well established.

We also do skin to skin cuddling which works really well if he is unsettled, ill, upset etc, it doesn’t just work for young babies.

Hi
Thanks for all your replies. We have tried the camp bed / extra bed in our room he doesn't like it refuses to sleep there as it's on the floor!
There are alot of cuddles skin to skin etc but it doesn't seem to make much difference
I will keep persevering lol.

Thanks

Another option is a two way baby monitor /radios. That way he can talk to you without getting out of bed. Some parents have also found a reverse camera monitor to helps so the child has the monitor and the camera is in the parents' room. This means the children can see their parents in bed in real time without having to get up.

My LO also has photo cushions of the 3 of us on the bed that smell of us to help connect us. At one point she'd sleep under daddy's blanket when he was on nights.

Do you stay in the chair while he falls asleep in the evening? Then he wakes up and has a shock that you aren’t there anymore?

If so, then you really need to break the habit of staying in the chair while he at the beginning of the night. Try (very) gradual retreat method

Try (very) gradual retreat method Sarah Naish, from NATP, says she did this and apparently her daughter spent years not realising that there was no one actually standing in the slippers outside her door and went to sleep happily.

Honestly my DD1 was like this for years. I wish I’d just let her sleep in my room from the beginning m. It would have saved a lot of lost sleep and frustration. At 4 there’s years to go before you would need to get him into his own room. I’d just go with a little bed in your room.

Not sure what your set up is eg if you are single or if there is a spare room/sofa so this may not be helpful...My son is 4 and with us 2.5 years. He slept in a cot in our room for the first year and still came into our bed most nights. Transitioned to his own room really well but goes through phases of making night time appearances. We just let him in with us. I sometimes sleep in the spare room if he wiggles, can one of you stay with him and the other parent gets some sleep elsewhere? Or can he go in your bed and you go on the camp bed? (Feels unjust when parenting is such hard work, I know!)