School drop off

[mamoosh]

My 4 year old has always struggled at separation time at nursery and now on starting school. This seemed to resolve for a while but then resurfaced. He gets ready mostly ok but then just crumbles at the last moment and has to be dragged from my arms screaming. This morning it didn’t help that he had fallen off his bike and so I told the teaching assistant I needed a few moments to see if I could settle him, she looked rather po-faced about this. In the end the teacher just had to drag him off me screaming. We have tried loads of things at home to help him with this eg photo book about school, reverse role play (which he likes). He does usually settle quite quickly and seems to like school already. Part of the problem is how much it upsets us as parents and worries that the level of his distress is trauma related. Has anyone else any advice on how we can help him? Should we try and view this through a lens of normality?

It doesn't sound ideal that the TA was po faced to be honest. Is that part of the problem? We moved schools when dc1 was 5 and the difference in their reaction to drop off etc was huge, both for dc plus for me as I just felt far more comfortable, safer, lighter than at the previous school. The problem had been the staff at the previous school rather than the idea of school. There were no po faced staff at the second school!

You can also hold your dc back, and wait until they cope better. Your dc may feel completely differently in six months.

Other than that, no words of wisdom I am sorry.

No I don't think I would see this as 'normality' . I know a lot of children struggle with the start of school but 4 is so tiny, and adopted children often function at a younger emotional age.

When is he 5? Does he really need to be in school this term ?

Its positive that he seems to like school but if he was literally dragged off you screaming then to be honest I would be concerned about the staff. Do they know he is adopted ? If you had been given that extra time do you think you could have settled him ? If so I think I would seek a meeting with the school,and explain that your child needs extra support. If they don't seem supportive about this then I would be questioning if its the right school.

I honestly don’t know what to do, this was going on at nursery as well and it didn’t seem to make any difference if we stayed to try and settle him or just said goodbye and left. On the positive side he doesn’t usually cry for very long, sometimes only a minute or so. His brain just seems to go into freeze mode at the final point of separation. His class teacher is very nice and he has arrived home bursting with enthusiasm. I guess part of the issue is that it really upsets me and I worry that it is never going to settle if trauma related. He expresses every emotion to the max, it is never boring, LOL.

He will be picking up your tension as well as you are holding your breath and waiting for it all to go wrong. Not adding blame to you of course because it is natural to be upset at seeing them so distressed . One of my birth children was the same and it killed me to watch them so distraught. Like your boy she quickly got over it so I stuck it out but it might be worth reducing his hours so that he goes in on his own after the rest of the chaos has ended. School drop offs and pick ups are mad at the best of times. Not coping with the noise, and busyness might help a little x

It sounds like he’s functioning at a younger age tbh, most 2/3 year olds I know cried at nursery drop off but soon settled when mum left - I think it’s a normal part of development but of course your little one will have a younger functional age than his peers. I also think in usual circumstances 4 is very young to start school, in adoption even more so.

I deferred entry for my January born 4 year old (I’m in Scotland and it seems much aside to defer), it’s the best thing I could have done by 5 he was more than ready. My DD was 6 and found going into school very hard, I literally lost count of the number of times I handed her over in tears. No po-faced TA, or screaming - her teacher was caring and kind, she was shown nothing but warmth and acceptance, of that hadn’t have been the case we would have found a new school tbh.

Good point about being emotionally young, which he is in various ways. I did think of deferring school entry, however our LA make this extremely difficult. He also didn’t get priority school choice as we adopted him abroad, I chose to fight that battle rather than deferment as he is very sociable and in many ways was getting board at nursery. (We lost but got our second school choice which is ok). Correct that I also need to work on how upsetting I find this. I guess we will plod on, the po-faced one did put a plaster on a minuscule graze he sustained on the way to school and the teacher did mention very anxious children can go in slightly early when we met her in July. I guess I will stick it out for a bit before having a chat with her and try to exude calm! He comes out of the classroom at pick up full of confidence. As I said, it’s all extremes :-).

The school system in England seems so incredibly inflexible - you’d think there would be some give for him regardless of his country of origin. The priority system is supposed to recognise the trauma children go through having been in care - it shouldn’t matter that the trauma happened elsewhere. I hope things settle for him soon.

It might be an idea to do an early drop off before the other children. I work in a primary school and the general school start is a really difficult transition for lots of children because of all the noise and the hustle and bustle of getting in, jackets off, doing the register, seeing parents, staff, friends. An earlier start to avoid all this can make a huge difference. We also have one parent who uses the staff car park and comes through the staff entrance to the class to avoid the morning rush. He might still find the drop off hard but it could ease some of the tension for you all.

Your child is not statutory school age until the term after he turns 5 so there is nothing they can do to make him go before then.
I have a 5 yr old and last year I sent him 4 days a week 9.30 till 2.30 instead of the full day and at the beginning of the year he only did 2 days and gradually built up to 3 . It was enough for him . Would that be a good option for your little one !
So don't let them bully you. And I am pretty sure that they have to hold your place for you as well if you defer him.

@mamoosh how long as your little one been with you?

I'd wait a bit, 4 is very young.

Or try the earlier drop.

Is there any literature you can give to the po.-faced TA? She needs to understand him not judge you or *him!

flapjackfairy Children don't actually have to go to school at all. Home education is a legal option in this country. AUK have an info leaflet about it, and Education Otherwise are also useful.

He has been with us since he was 18 months and was 4 in June.

I don’t know if part time would help because the drop off was exactly the same when he was part time at nursery (although he did master it for a while). I did him mornings only the first week at school and I could not get him home for ages because we would be stood there in the playground with him having a tantrum about having to leave! I think we will stick with things as they are for a bit and then consider the early drop off.

I don't think I would be pulling him out of school yet, not if he comes home loving it. It's early days. Plenty of children do scream at drop off, adopted or not. It isn't "normal" though and adoption adds an extra layer.

Some suggestions but you really must talk to the teacher and be open about it:

1. Discuss the possibility of drop off at a different place (reception).
2. Discuss drop off at a different time (after everyone else is in).

For these two, they work on the assumption that perhaps the crowds of children and people and the chaos are triggering a bit of fight or flight and anxiety. Once he is in the room and doing an activity, it feels more controlled and he calms down.

3. Does her have a special person yet? Someone who can introduce themselves as his special person he can go to when anxious? They also meet him at the door (not looking po faced!). This can work beautifully.

4. Speaking with the SENCO and asking for them school counselling/work to be done around saying goodbye. The pastoral team can help with this.

Hope this gives you some ideas but educating the school about adoption is an absolute must. If they don't respond, they aren't the right school.

Sorry, I see Runner already have some of my advice Proves it might work though

Thanks, that’s more useful advice. Drop off this morning was absolutely horrendous. Teacher already suggested he comes in early on Monday. Assistant head said he is doing really well once settled so I don’t want to take him out of school. The po-faced one was fine, I may be being over sensitive with her, my neighbour says she is very good. My son spends a lot of time doing reverse role play around drop off which he finds hilarious, he then told me this morning I could just leave but when it comes to crunch time his brain just flips into flight and fright.

I emailed the trainer from the adoption parenting course this morning, will let you know if he has any more ideas.

The thing that changed drop off for my DD was her simply having a friend to go into school with, playing before the bell rang and walking in chatting with her friend completely distracted her from panicking about me leaving.

My AD2 struggled with going in to school on and off until around y4.

Over time we found these things variously helped:

1. In Reception we did a physical handover - literally she held her teacher's hand and I let go of the other one. Teacher had a very quick chat 'how are you etc'. The Teacher recommended this as she said DD didn't 'settle' until she had had some adult contact.
2. A transition toy. A small cuddly toy that she would hold in her hand as she made the transition. Then it went into her coat pocket or school rucksack and she could hold it again at break/lunch if needed. iirc She even did this occasionally in y5 & y6 and possibly once or twice in y7 when feeling shaky.

Other things that might help:

• arriving early and being allowed in early
• arriving just after doors open and going straight in
• going in with a friend

Whatever you do, do the handover quickly - like removing a plaster - it just prolongs the agony if it takes too long. It is heartbreaking at times though.

DD has always found transitioning and saying goodbye hard, but now in y10 she's pretty much mastered it.

@waffles.
Yes of course though not everyone wants to ( or indeed is able to ) home school for lots of reasons. But I agree it can work well for adopted children who are struggling !

My son is finding it very hard as well, some mornings I have had to carry him to school.

I knew he would find it hard, but as he has been at the on site nursery for two years I did think that would ease the transition, but it hasn’t.

I do some ELSA based things etc with him that the school also mirrors (and also mirrored at nursery). What have your sons primary school set up?

Could someone else take him into school? A good friend or extended family memeber?

My daughter was/is always like this with me taking her from nursery to year 3 every single time, the teacher had to drag her off me. But for her dad or child minder she was perfectly fine.

The trasition from you to a safe person then from them to school might be easier for him, less of a big leap.

My little girl has settled really well but I always try to be one of the 1st in. We are often waiting for the doors to be unlocked! Being the 1st on allows her some time in the classroom when its not too noisey or full on and I do think this has helped her settle.

So spoke to one of the adoption parenting trainers. He suggested a proprioception game might help to get him out of trauma response (vigorous pat a cake game), take in a toy, go in early and heart drawn on each other’s thumbs. Teacher also made him a “morning box” of toys with his name on. I also get the teacher to take his hand before I let go. Drop off has been a lot calmer last few days although still wobbly. Really proud of him for getting this far and also pleased with support from teacher. Thanks for all the suggestions.