Thinking about adoption.

[Climbmountains911]

Hi
I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago. I already have two children who I adore.
I'm really struggling to decide on what to do with this pregnancy but me and my partner can't give the baby what it needs either. Abortion seems to difficult to deal with (as if happened when I was 17 and it sent me into a really bad way afterwards). I've been thinking about "open adoption" but I know the people around me wouldn't support me. I just don't know what I'd have to do to go about this.

Bump

Hi there
U will need 2 give your local authority a ring. Google your councils children's services department and ask 2 be put through to the adoption team.
A social worker will come and visit to discuss this with u, and support you through the process, if relinquishing your baby is what u decide to do.
You won't get to pick the parents. But you'll get to meet them. And talk about some form of ongoing contract. This is usually in the form of letters, but direct contact is also possible in some situations.

Best of luck to u xx

@Climbmountains911 I am so sorry you are in this difficult situation.

Can I ask if you and your partner are managing to parent your existing children ok?

And is your partner dad to your other children?

May I ask if the desire to relinquish your baby is equally hekd by you and your partner - or is one of you less keen to give up baby?

You really do not need to answer these questions but it's hard to offer advice with so little info.

I've got loads of other questions but do not want to intrude.

I am an adopter and most if us would say if you can keep your baby (love and care for them) then do not give baby up. But I know this is very simplistic and I do not know your situation.

Are you in the UK?

@Italiangreyhound we are we dote on our existing children. He isn't the father to my first daughter (her dad died a few years ago) but he's the father to my 7 month old. He does have 2 children with somebody else he sees and he has a kid that's adopted also from someone else. So a well blended family.

And he hasn't even mentioned it he's options are either keep or termination. Bit scared to bring it up tbh because of his past. Yeah we live in the U.K. we would love and cherish this baby but I don't feel that is enough. We couldn't afford another baby what with how the system works now, I'm unable to work he works full time and our living situation we already struggling and don't see a way out, a third child we would struggle more and it wouldn't be fair on my 2 girls. Maybe I'm being selfish but whatever path I go down is just hard.

@Climbmountains911 I'm so sorry to hear how hard the situation is.

I hope you can find some help.

There is no such thing as open adoption in the uk unless you have a family member who will take the baby but they wouldn’t really be adopted, more like fostered/kinship care.
To be honest I think having the baby and then being adopted is easier for you but possibly not for the baby you will be giving away. Life for adopted children is hard. They suffer a lot of trauma being taken from their mother. They go into foster care and if they are lucky they will then be adopted which is initially traumatic again as they are taken from their primary caregiver again breaking their second attachment in life. They struggle to trust adults, make true friendships with their peers and can have behavioural issues too.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to all but it does to many adopted children.
You need to do what is best for everyone in this situation.

If you choose adoption, try to make sure your baby goes into foster-to-adopt, so they go directly from you to their prospective adoptive parents. As a baby whose mother took good care of herself during the pregnancy and who comes from a functioning family, many adopters will be very keen to adopt your child and it is highly unlikely that they will remain in care. Particularly not if they go straight into foster-to-adopt.

What do you mean by open adoption? It is very common for adopters to write a letter to birthparents once a year and birth parents write back. Direct contact is much less common, but not unheard of. It all depends on the adopters, you and the child and how everyone copes with the situation.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I agree with what pp have said about foster to adopt, sometimes known as early permanency placements. If you make contact with your local authority or adoption agency they will be able to talk you through lots of options including what support might be available to you if you decide you don't want to give your baby away. There is also a move towards adoptive families having some face to face contact with birth families as research is showing that it's helpful for children when it's managed well.
Good luck whatever you decide to do