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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Need to start using the adoption word

15 replies

user1497873278 · 11/09/2019 13:41

Hi hoping others might have felt the same really struggling with starting conversations about my 2yr old being adopted she has been with us since a few months and I am worried about what to say to her and when her life story book was appalling everything pictures of BM would be distressing for a young child to see my dh feels the same I have so much childcare experience 4 much older bc plus foster carer I feel so unsettled about this any advice would be helpful

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darkriver19886 · 11/09/2019 13:57

Could you possibly remove the pictures of BM? Or rewrite it in a child friendly way? I am sorry your struggling.

user1497873278 · 11/09/2019 14:11

Darkriver19886 I maybe should have thought about this earlier I put it away with everything else my intention has always been that she has all information and our help and support in the future whatever she decides re birth mum but in practice the first steps seem the hardest she has been a dream and I just don't want to get this wrong thank you so much have always read your posts and would give anything for my little one to have a BM like you my little ones parents will always be a risk to her I suppose that's why I'm struggling so many mixed emotions

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darkriver19886 · 11/09/2019 14:23

I understand and Thank you.
I am probably not the best person to be giving adoption advice really but, I do have second-hand experience from my sister. She was adopted before I was born and we recently had a chat about her history.

She said she was told she was adopted when she was six but, not really given the full details until she was much older. My eldest was 4 when she was adopted so she would know. My youngest is 3 this year.

I have read mentions there are some books you could read.

maxelly · 11/09/2019 14:35

So sorry to hear you are struggling, but completely understandable. I always think that no matter how knowledgeable and well read you are, nothing really prepares you for having to talk about such very sad and difficult things with your own children. But to reassure you, children in general and very little ones like your DD in particular are so resilient and almost blase about topics we find really awful as adults, even things like death, loss and illness, just because they don't really understand what they are, so they take their cues from the adults around them and if things are not presented as bad news they are unlikely to be actively upset - but they do take in what they are told and are processing it all the time - making it so much easier later than a big 'announcement' when they are older. The most important thing for her to know is that she is safe and you love her, which I am sure she 100% does Flowers

For what it's worth (and I am no expert so please feel free to ignore), I would start talking to her about it now in a 'drip feed' sort of way, don't feel obliged to tell the whole 'story' at once or to use the word 'adoption' if that is hard for you (after all she doesn't know what it means so no need to use it until you are more comfortable). You could break it down into lots of little chunks, so if she starts to be curious about where babies come from (as they often do at that age especially if you know anyone who is having a baby) you can talk to her about how some babies grow in their mummies tummies, and some grow in other ladies tummies (some people like to talk about 'tummy mummies', I don't personally as I think DC only have one mummy but as you prefer) and then go and live with their mummy (and daddy if applicable) forever.

You can then move on to talk about how her brothers and sisters grew in your tummy, but she grew in X (whatever you want to call her BM)'s tummy, but she then came to live with you forever, and you were all sooo happy because you love her so much etc etc. Make it a more positive thing about how lovely it is that she lives with you rather than sad she doesn't live with BM. I think it's good to emphasise also the 'forever family' part in case she gets confused and thinks she could move again and have another mummy/family.

Then perhaps a bit later when this message has sunk in and as/when she starts to question 'why', you can start to talk about how X (BM) loved her very much but wasn't able to keep her safe/wasn't able to look after her, and so that is why she came to live with you forever (and again how happy you are about it).

It can be much much later that you drip in some of the worse details about 'why' BM couldn't look after her, and again you can make it child appropriate - talking about how BM's own mummy and daddy didn't look after her very well and so she didn't know how to look after a baby well, didn't know what food a baby needs to eat, for instance - simple things she can understand. You could take the opportunity to do a bit of 'babying' with her yourself or playing with dolls and toys to model how you 'should' look after a baby which some DC really like, wrapping her up and 'feeding' her etc.

In the meantime while you are doing your 'dripping' perhaps you can make it a project to make a new life story book, perhaps using one of the less bad pics of BM or none at all, just words/drawings or pictures of your DD when younger if you have them, and then lots of nice pics of her, you and your family at the end. A lot of DC go through phases of not being interested at all in their life story book or not wanting to look at it at all so don't be surprised if she doesn't seem that bothered, but it is nice to have something there for them if they do want it later down the line...

user1497873278 · 11/09/2019 14:35

Thank you darkriver19886 that's helpful I just know I want it to be as easy as possible for her and have always felt very strongly about being honest with her really grateful for your opinion

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user1497873278 · 11/09/2019 14:54

Maxlley thank you some good suggestions thinking was I should be starting now so you have just made me more confident you are right no amount of reading prepares you or experiences for that matter just want her to feel loved by us unconditionally but also feel that whatever her wishes are regarding bum we would support her

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user1497873278 · 11/09/2019 14:55

Sorry bm

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Snazzygoldfish · 11/09/2019 14:57

Mines 3 now so we're a bit ahead of you. She's been with me since birth so no recollection of birth family.

I've mentioned it casually every few months when the chance arose which has built up into a very simple verbal life story where she came out of y's tummy and came to live with mummy while the wise judge decided what to do because she was so precious and y couldn't keep her safe. Then the wise judge decided that she should live with mummy forever and ever and we had a party to celebrate. She always always always finishes it with 'Mummy was so happy, mummy's best day ever!' And goes to sleep happy. I'm planning to build bits in as she gets older and as she's interested in writing, write the contact letter when she's around some time in the next year and when she asks what I'm doing, just mention it casually so that y knows you are happy and safe.

I've bought adoption books but none really fit our story (fta-single parent) and much prefer family books such as families families families and then made a big deal of the page with an adopted child in it and as it's 'just like us!' And wirh the pages with a single parent family.

The last thing I've done is celebrated her adoption day and had a lead up to it by baking a celebration adoption day cake together and choosing where we will go out for the day and choosing what we will have for tea on our special day.

As I'm a single adopter I've also turned Father's Day into 'Family Day' so we celebrate then too and I drop adoption into it casually.

user1497873278 · 11/09/2019 15:04

Darlriver1886 I am so sorry did not see your earlier post until just now I feel so insensitive and you on this day replied to me thank you so much you are a true inspiration I can't imagine how you must feel today on my little ones birthday I always feel a mixture of emotions and am always mindful of the mother who gave birth to this precious little one I truly hope you are doing as well as you can you are their bm no one can change that

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Troels · 11/09/2019 15:15

We kept the pictures of BM in the album, along with pretty much everything else. Dd came to us at 6 months from a foster family. Their pictures are in there too.
I was shown as a story book with just pictures, no words, this is the Mummy that grew you in her tummy, this is the Mummy and Daddy who took you home from the hospital. This is Me and Daddy on the day we met you. This is you and your Db's the day you came home. And on and on, including, her adoption day sitting on the Judges knee in the court room and the Social workers holding her too.
It wasn't till she was much older that she asked for more information. She's now a teen.

user1497873278 · 11/09/2019 15:43

Thank you troels and snazzygolfish really helpful think I will put all of the pictures together from beginning that seems like it would work well for her at this age and then gradually start dropping in information as she understands more really appreciate your replys sometimes feel a bit cut off as other friends obviously don't have the same worries

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ifchocolatewerecelery · 11/09/2019 16:13

I took out all the photos I was given of LO with Birth family and have put them in an album I had printed off. I wrote what little information I have about each individual member in a box next to the picture. I did another one for her time with FCs. To be honest though, she currently finds the photos boring and is struggling to get her head round the fact that I have not always been her mum. She's 3.

I've done one of our first few months together and she loves that because she can relate to the pictures much more easily. She is older and they have us in and are taken in places she knows.

Doing 3 separate photo albums was controversial on the forum I belong to. Most people said I should've put them all together and made one live story book out of it all to make it more seamless. I also spoke to an expert in life story work and he said that having separate books was fine.

We have the following books:
Nutmeg gets adopted (explains the kind of things families do when they adopt a child)
A mother for choco (looks at what a mummy is and that we don't always look the same)
We belong together by Todd Parr (explains how family and child found each other in the adoption process very simply starting with you needed a home and we had one to share)

jellycatspyjamas · 11/09/2019 17:37

My DC were older so have clear memories of their birth family and foster caters. A friend who adopted a baby though says that when the opportunity arose (eg when her DC asked about her friend who was pregnant) she’d talk about how her DC grew in someone else’s tummy and how they went to live with x and y because his BM really struggled to look after him (with lots of being a mummy is a hard job etc), and as he asks questions she just answers them in a very simple matter of fact way.

He knows there are lots of ways to make a family and this was their special way.

In terms of celebration my DC decided that our wedding anniversary would be our family birthday - it means our celebration doesn’t hark back to the day they arrived, adoption order etc but is still marked nonetheless.

Filter · 11/09/2019 19:28

I totally agree that children are more resilient. My daughter is now 4 (adopted at age 1) and knows her biological parents photos, names and the fact that she did not come from my tummy. She is getting her head around that. I use the "drip drip" approach. Little comments. I also use a photo album and keep it simple.

user1497873278 · 11/09/2019 19:47

Thank you ifchocolatewerecelery, jellycatspyjamas and filter I will definitely use some suggestions I have been over worrying about it you have helped me feel more at ease

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