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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Single parent and pregnant with down syndrome baby

28 replies

Kellogs69 · 07/09/2019 21:57

I'm 4 months pregnant with no support and just found out baby has ds my 11 year old has just got over cancer I cant give the support this new baby needs as well as look after 3 others my brother and his wife cant have kids I would like them to adopt baby how do I go about it

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AngelaScandal · 07/09/2019 22:14

kellogs that must have been a huge shock for you. Flowers
Are you having any counselling or support to help you in your decisions right now? It would be worth speaking to a midwife as you will need to have social services involved if you choose to relinquish your baby. What support would be helpful to you right now?

Original poster
Kellogs69 · 07/09/2019 22:23

I was considering abortion but couldn't go through with it I know my brother and his wife can give the baby what he or she needs gonna go to citizens advice next week

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Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2019 22:30

Kellogs69 I am so very sorry to hear about your little boy and hope he will make a full recovery.

I'm also sorry your baby is going to have the additional challenges of Downs Syndrome.

Please get all the help and counselling you can now. Thanks

Have you talked to your brother and his wife, do you know that they would be interested in adopting your baby?

Are you in the UK?

Please get all the help you can to make the best possible decision for you and both the children.

fasparent · 07/09/2019 22:42

Kinship adoption can be strait forward . Would get details from the adoption court on procedures, will send you papers and details of how too proceed in the interim. You and adopters will have too give your local authority 3 months notice of your intentions, social services will be involved, suitability assessments would be needed to be done etc. , when all is completed, references, criminal checks , medical reports and are satisfactory. Can the apply for adoption and court date's. Cost too process this is around £175.

Original poster
Kellogs69 · 07/09/2019 22:43

Yes I have spoke to my brother and wife and they are happy to adopt
I'm in the uk didn't wanna go down the road of social services
Thanks my boys doing really well been in remission for 6 months

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caringcarer · 07/09/2019 22:45

Are you sure your brother and his wife are willing to adopt your baby with ds?

Original poster
Kellogs69 · 07/09/2019 22:51

Yes they are over the moon they cant have children and got turned down to adopt as they live with my sister in laws parents who just got diagnosed with dementia really early stages so they got turned down cause of the dementia so I dont know where they stand on adopting mine

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Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2019 22:52

Kellogs69 can I just suggest, and I am sure you will do this, that you think about all aspects of this and discuss with your brother (if appropriate*. EG what happens if your brother adopts and then you end up not seeing much of him and much of the baby/child. How will you feel?

What if they choose to parent very differently to them? How will you feel?

What does your son know, will he know about the arrangement?

What is your main concern here? Is it finances, because I have no idea what your fiances are or what help you may be entitled to.

Are you wanting to help your brother have a family? Because, of course, much as it is a kind thing to do, it is not your responsibility to make things better for him.

Lastly, have you had any time around children or adults with Downs?

I think it would be helpful for you to do something like visit a club or school or group to find out more. You do not need to tell them exactly what your interest is (e.g. your plans) simply that you are wanting to find out more.

Just ideas, to help you think through what must be a hugely challenging time.

I am so glad your little boy is in remission. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2019 22:53

What if they choose to parent very differently to you? How will you feel?

Original poster
Kellogs69 · 07/09/2019 23:07

I just haven't got the support to care for a ds baby I struggled for 8 months with hospital appointments with my son for cancer and having to juggle my other 2 kids collecting from school or having alot of time of due to hospital stays so we stayed in latch accommodation at hospital I'm 40 found out I was pregnant I was devastated was thinking of giving baby to brother and wife before finding out about ds I still have to go to alot of appointments and scans for my boy and know looking after a ds will have alot more appointments which I know will be impossible

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stucknoue · 07/09/2019 23:12

Social services are there to help, they are the only ones who can help you legally relinquish your child, your family should be able to take the baby straight from the hospital if that's what you all want, but the actual adoption takes quite a long time.

Ted27 · 07/09/2019 23:20

This is obviously a very difficult time for you, it goes without saying that whatever decision you make now will have enormous ramifications for everyone in your family.
You need to be sure that its really what you want and that its not because of lack of support - are your brother and his wife not able to help?
I won't repeat any of the excellent advice and points made by others.
But you need to realise you cannot just give your baby to your brother without the involvement of social services. Social services may be able to help identify support for your family as a whole

Original poster
Kellogs69 · 07/09/2019 23:21

They went through adoption process last year got refused as sister in laws mum got dementia and they live with her but dementia haven't started yet only just diagnosed so I dont know where they would stand with adopting a family member

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Ted27 · 07/09/2019 23:26

There is only one way to find out, but you cannot avoid social services.

I think you also all need to think about whether it would be the right decision for your brother and his wife to take on a child with potentially severe disabilities as well as caring for a relative with dementia.

Its not for me to have an opinion on that but you all need to think very carefully about it

Original poster
Kellogs69 · 07/09/2019 23:28

I understand what everyone's saying and I have given this alot of thought and decided it's better for baby to have the support of a mum and a dad rather than just me and they will make great parents I offered in past to be a surrogate for them this new baby might also have heart problem which is common in downs I wont find out till 5 weeks if it has i would have to go to hospital 2 hours away wouldn't be able to drive cause of caesarean and kids cant have any more time of school it's not fair my brother and wife can give their 100% to baby which i couldnt

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Original poster
Kellogs69 · 07/09/2019 23:33

I'm so glad I came on here its given me alot to think about thanks

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flapjackfairy · 08/09/2019 09:40

Well the obvious question is what about baby's dad ? What does he want because he will have to agree as well and there may be members of his family who would like to be considered as adoptors. If so social services will look at all options and place the baby where they think best because ultimately it will be thier decision. Thats how it works if you want to give a baby up for adoption.
I am sorry you are having such a rough time and really hope it works out for you all and your little boy continues to be well.

fasparent · 08/09/2019 11:01

Could also go for SGO , would continue with an amount of parental rights and in the event of change of circumstances at a later date, can return too court, and have child care orders changed too your full care.

Original poster
Kellogs69 · 08/09/2019 12:09

The dad doesn't want anything to do with it and dont think I should have the baby we are not together he dont help with the 2 we have I really need to think about it and raising a baby with ds

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Ted27 · 08/09/2019 12:36

@kellog69, it doesnt sound to me that you really want to give this baby up. Surrogacy would have been a very generous thung to do for your brother but this is a very different thing to contemplate doing. As others have said its also not your responsibilty to resolve your brother's problems in this way.
You say the mum's dementia hasn't 'started' but it must have or there wouldnt be a diagnosis. If she is to stay living in the home with your brother and his wife, the burden of care will only increase. Add in a baby with disabilities and maybe medical needs - that makes for a very pressured situation. Everyone would need to be completely sure what the implications are.
You really need to talk to someone to see what your options really are, and what support would be available to you.

hidinginthenightgarden · 08/09/2019 19:52

The only thing to do is contact SS and have a meeting with them. The fact that your brother has been turned down already puts a bit of a spanner in it but usually, SS try super hard to keep children in the family so in this case may well go with it. Chances are either way, you won't be able to just hand the baby over as it is born unless they go down the "foster to adopt" route. Otherwise, baby will probably have to into foster care for a few months before going to them.

Italiangreyhound · 08/09/2019 21:19

@Kellogs69 this must be very hard for you so thank you for sharing something so personal with us all.

It seems very clear you want to do whatever is best for your baby and your boy and you have now mentioned other children so a lot on your plate.

Whatever happens I do wish you all the very best.

Just so you know my mum was diagnosed with dementia when we were going through the adoption process. She did not live with us and went into a home. This was totally the right thing for her and for us. She was able to fund this with her home (which she sold).

I think knowing what is happening and working this through would be helpful to you all so I would not delay in speaking to social services.

Do keep us informed if it is helpful to you to talk about it. All the very best. Thanks

fasparent · 09/09/2019 07:56

Agree with Italian need too inform Local Authority along with your Sister who must give the Statutory 3 months legal notice of their intent they want too adopt your child. Would do both at the same time too formally start the process. Sister must give notice in writing too local authority.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 09/09/2019 11:27

Must it be a formal adoption? This suggests that if the legalities are less formal then as the uncle and aunt they'd be able to care for the baby without getting the local authority involved www.gov.uk/looking-after-someone-elses-child

Original poster
Kellogs69 · 09/09/2019 22:37

Thanks everyone it has given me alot to think about my head is like a race car dont know what to do x

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