Can my family insist on taking my baby?

[cheeseandonionalltheway]

Just that really. If I put my baby up for adoption is there a risk she'll be placed with family against my will as opposed to going somewhere afresh?

Once you ask Social services to take her, then ultimately the decisions are put of your hands. SW preference is to place children within the birth family.
However, members of your birth family would have to put themselves forward and be assessed for their suitability. Your family cannot 'insist' that they take her just because they are birth family. SWs would also look at the father''s family as well.
If you have concerns about the suitablility of your family to provide a safe home for her, then you need to tell SWs.
Is there no way that you can keep her ?
Good luck, I hope you can find a solution.

I'm basically screwed up. Not abuse or anything but not the best upbringing, whole family has raging anxiety and depression and I am no exception. Father has decided on no involvement and I have no intention of naming him. I've never met his family so no idea of their suitability. Torn between telling my family now of my plans but that gives them the opportunity to get their ducks in a row for potentially adopting her when really I just want a fresh start for my daughter. I honestly believe that's what's best for her.

@cheeseandonionalltheway I am sorry about your situation. I had my children removed and practically begged them to go to anyone but family. Mainly because of my own highly abusive background.

Thankfully social services agreed and they have been adopted by a different set of people.

Social services will look to family but, make it known your concerns.

cheeseandonionalltheway I am so sorry you are in this difficult situation. I agree with Ted and Darkriver. You need to be honest with social services about any concerns you have for family.

Is there any way you can get help for your anxiety and depression and look into the possibility of keeping your baby? I am so sorry if this is too obvious but we have had a few people on here who were dead set on adoption for their child but their situation changed enough for them to keep their babies.

Anyway, if it helps to talk, please do.

Like Italiangreyhound, I wonder if you could get the right help & support, you might start thinking you are “what’s best for” your daughter. It is very loving of you to be so concerned for her future.

Is there an age range they will consider e.g can grandparents be considered "too old"?

@cheeseandonionalltheway not really no. Obviously if there in there 70 or 80s they are less likely to consider. :)

I don't even know how to broach this with the mw etc. I've not had an appointment for ages as this is my second although at my booking appointment she told me I'd go down the first time mum pathway which would have meant an appointment at 25 weeks due to not having had a baby for years and being a bit mentally wobbly and refusing to name the father then. But at my 16 week appointment it was a different midwife so I got booked in at 28 weeks as is normal for a second. I've got so many worries I won't know where to begin and will probably just end up biting my lip and saying everything is fine.

I think it has hit me these last couple of weeks as I can no longer have an abortion which was always in theory an option earlier.

I went to my 20 week scan alone and towards the end the sonographers (was a trainee and trainer) asked if my partner was outside with older kids and did they want to come in now. And I said no I'd come alone and they just looked at me all pitying.

Sorry you had to go to the scan alone. They should have been more professional towards you.
I hope you get a midwife you feel comfortable talking to next time.

Do you have another child at home with you? If so I think you need to be very careful as Social services may have concerns about that child.
All children are better off remaining with birth family that love and can care for them. Are you sure that there is no way you can see of keeping her but distancing yourself from your family

Oh CheeseandOnion - I don't know your circumstances but if there is any chance you could be supported to keep your baby, please do. Being with birth parent is almost always the best outcome if at all possible.

So sorry about the mental health struggles. As an adoptive parent, I have been through hell at times (which has caused me depression) because of the trauma my son suffered.

What a hard situation you are in. I am sure you are not considering adoption lightly but if there is any way you think you might be able to keep your baby, please strongly consider it.

I know you say you have no intention of naming the father but these things have a way of getting out.

The best place for a child is with their parents and failing that social services will first consider members of the extended family on both sides. Studies have shown that being removed even at birth from their parents and family is a traumatic event for a child and can have devastating life long consequences.

If you do make the sad decision to put your LO up for adoption not naming the father could make things tricky for the adopters. There was a case where a child was placed with adoptive parents only to be removed from them when they applied to adopt because birth mother said actually I lied and someone else is the father. Baby ended up living with an aunt I think.

ifchocolatewerecelery I think the case you mention is a very complex one. The baby did not go to the aunt because the woman lied.

However, because the birth father could not be traced initially it meant the baby did go to an adoptive family first. Later when the birth father could be traced he chose not to care for the child and the decision was made to place the child with the aunt.

I believe the adoptive family were white and the birth father was either black or mixed heritage. I don't know if this played into the decision to moce the child to the aunt's care. Is that the case you meant? If not, my apologuies.

Personally, I think in normal circumstances it may be best to be honest about who the birth father is but if the OP has reasons for not wanting to reveal this then it is her choice. The OP is thinking what may be best for baby and as she is the only one who knows the father then it makes sense for her to bring her judgment into the situation

My son is 11 and just started high school so at the other end of childhood really. I cope with him well. I love him. I don't feel the same about this one and worry about the effect this will have on him

From what I remember there have been court decisions when a mother voluntarily puts their baby up for adoption (instead of having the baby removed), where the courts have said SWs do NOT need to consider birth family. Reasons have included the impact on the mother if her family/community discovered that she had had a baby outside of marriage, for example. But the rules are slightly different when the mother chooses adoption.

@cheeseandonionalltheway how are things going? Thinning of you.

I am ok thank you @Italiangreyhound just plodding along. Still not fully decided though but suppose I'll get her out and then see

Come back and talk of it helps.

I think the midwife is more attached to her than I am. Feel so guilty I loved my son when I was pregnant with him. Feel very little for this one. I don't wish her harm. I just think of her like I would someone else's baby.

But you may feel differently when she is here.
I don't say this to try to scare you but I also think you should tread carefully - social services may want to look at your capacity to care for your son as well.

My son is 11, interactive and self sufficient. He's well cared for and has everything he needs. It wouldn't be in his interests to take him away from me. We are so well bonded it would destroy him as well as me. But the first few years of his life were tough. And I'm not sure I can do that again.

I'm not suggesting he is anything other than cheeseandonion, just that SWs may look, they may not do anything but you should be prepared for them to ask questions

Is there any support you could access now Cheese that you didn't know about when your son was a baby?
I don't know your circumstances but it sounds like you had a tough time to begin with, though ultimately got through it.
Have you got a support network?
Does your son know you are pregnant?
I'm just wondering if you can access an experienced counsellor because just as your priority is your existing son I'm wondering about the effect on him of knowing he has a sibling out there, possible feelings of guilt /survivor syndrome or wanting to look for his little sister, and all this right at the beginning of his adolescent years.
I'm not saying that to frighten you but to urge you to consider the effect on your son of any decision you make. Relinquishing this baby won't necessarily resolve everything.
Don't make any hard and fast decisions just now.

It’s purely a case by case basis, I adopted my estranged sisters baby, a decision I know she would be very unhappy about. Even with an in family adoption the process to be approved is the same in most LA’s.

Placing your baby for adoption is the right thing if it would put your ability to parent your son at risk.

Could you have antenatal depression? Might be worth seeing if There's a specialist mental health service in you area so that you can be in the best state of mind whatever you decide. Either way it's going to be hard, so any support you can get.