Finding it hard tonight.

[darkriver19886]

I probably shouldn't be posting here. However, I am not stupid to post anywhere else.
I have had a terrible month with my own traumas, flashbacks and other stuff. I haven't had therapy as she had a loss and hasn't been able to work. She will be returning next week.

It's also coming up to the two year anniversary of when the girls were taken into care as well as birthdays and etc.

I try to be so positive, try to maintain its for the best blah blah but I am dying inside. I am missing them so much. I have faced up to the reality that I am never going to be mummy again. I don't want a new child as it will never replace the loss.

I have to see all the mummy friends I made share the excitement of returning to school and birthdays and it hurts

I know it's my fault. I should have got better sooner. I should have fought harder for help.

But what's the point. I am just a birth parent. It means nothing.

Dark river I'm not sure there is anything I could say which would make a difference to you, but I am sorry you are in such a sad place.
Personally I don't believe being a birth parent means nothing, you gave your girls life and I think you did your best for them, including the hardest decision of all to let them go.
I hope that in time you can find some peace.

darkriver like Ted am not sure I can make a difference but I will have a go.

A birth parent is not nothing, you are the person who gave them life. You had the odds stacked hugely against you and you did as much as you could. I really feel from what you have said that that is true, I've read your posts many times.

But ultimately you have to live with where you are. One day these girls may well come looking for you, who will they find?

Will they find the woman who battled her own demons/bad past and came to a sense of peace? I sincerely hope they will find you at peace and living the best life you can.

I do not know what charity there is for people in your position.Maybe there is not one.

So I wonder if you can take some wisdom from other charities/organisations etc for help.

For example can you find ways to make a place to go and be at peace and think of your girls. Might it help to plant trees in a wood in cerebration of girls (in the way that people who have lost children may do)? I really hope this is not an insensitive comment.

Then go to that place and be there at special occasions?

Can you record your positive thoughts for the girls in a journal so that one day you may get to share this with them?

And record your negative thoughts (if appropriate) to share with your therapist when she is back in work.

I can't share too much here because it is not easy to do so but I've had a lot of problems with my birth child, who does live with me and dh and is now a teenager. (I normally talk about my younger child because he is the adopted one.)

I've had to accept many things that are difficult and my dd has been so unhappy. I've found that any little thing that can help her is what I need to pursue. We got her some pets to help her have some thing to care for, we let her decorate her room differently, change her appearance a lot etc etc. None of these things will deal with the underlying issue (depression, anxiety etc), but these small areas may help her in ways we do not know.

I think you may find some things help you better, whether that is to avoid situations etc or to find alternatives etc.

I do hope my suggestions are not offensive or upsetting and I do genuinely wish you all the very best to get through this tough time.

Thank you both for the comments.
@italiangreyhound Unfortunately no, the one charity that existed collapsed. I am waiting for "after adoption support" but not holding my breath.

Mental health-wise there is support but, just forums. My mental health disorder is highly stigmatised and doesn't get recognised as much as in the UK. My therapist is excellent but, I only see her once a week. The gap hasnt helped.

I dont believe that the girls will come and find me. It is too painful to spend the next god knows how many years waiting and hoping. If that it never comes then what?

I know I did the right thing. I don't doubt that. I spend most of my life wishing my mum had done the right thing. I didn't hurt my children the way my parents hurt me but, still.

I feel like I am wallowing but, I just can't keep ignoring the pain.

Oh Dark what can anyone say to help ? Not much I know but I too have read your posts many times and have always expressed my total admiration for your ability to put your children's needs above your own . And this is the sad consequence , you suffer the full pain of your loss but you at least know that you have done your very best by the girls.
What happened to you as a child has reverberated down the generations and you suffer still. It isn't fair and you deserved better. So sorry you didn't get it.
I can understand you wanting to shelve any thoughts of seeing them again because it is too much to live in hope and that is ok. If it ever does happen it will still be a bonus but I agree that you should live the best life you can anyway as indeed you are striving to do.
The time of year is not helping or the lack of therapy so please be really kind to yourself and just get through one day at a time.
We are here to listen and support so please do keep offloading if it helps.
I also hope nothing I have said causes any additional pain and I wish you only good things. X

No thank you all for your kindness.

I can't say anything that will "fix" your pain but I'm glad you feel this is a place you can share and I can only promise to listen and be with you as you go through this painful journey.

I used to think that you "got over" grief. But that isn't what happens, is it? The journey through grief is the process of learning to accommodate the grief inside in a way that allows you to move forward with hope, taking your grief with you.

Like most of us, your inner critic is well developed - you're stupid, weak, should have done better, been better. But your inner critic is just a scared, angry child and you need to treat them the same as you would a child saying these things, with love and kindness and understanding. You need to engage with your inner coach, the adult inside you who can "parent" your inner critic (for want of a better phrase). Listen to your inner coach and be empathetic to your inner critic.

And wallowing when you're grieving is just fine.

I hope this passes soon, in the meantime, we're here.

Thank you all for your kindness. I don't feel I deserve it but that's part of the problem. Who gets to decide if I am unworthy of kindness.

The nature of my mental health means that my inner critic and inner coach are well defined and have names and everything. As well as everything else in between.

My therapist says that there is no simple road to grief. Weeks and months will go buy and I will be okay and then there will be days where I won't. My grief is renewed at every anniversary, birthday and Christmas.

I need to open more to my therapist about the girls but it's hard. I don't have any pictures of them around the house as it's to painful.

Like the others, I cannot offer a fix, only that you are heard and valued. I can only imagine the pain.

There was a period when I couldn't see my girls (legal issues, I was their respite carer before becoming their long term foster/adoptive mum) and it was hell - and that was with the prospect of legal challenge and seeing them again. Your situation is way more difficult and painful.

To have had no hope of that, unless they turned 18 and came looking, well, I don't know how I would have continued.

Please, please know that you are still important to them, and important in your own right.

Sending you support in your deep pain. Grief does change you forever. I haven't known your loss, but in the one I experienced, someone once suggested to me it took three years to start to find yourself again (I don't use the word recover, because the hurt and loss can't just be undone). The first year is shock and you don't know if you will survive it, the second year is grinding work and you don't know if you can do it all over again after the first year of anniversaries and birthdays, and the third year at times you start to see a way through and believe you can do this (not all the time, but glimpses).

Be kind to yourself through the pain and the especially difficult memories. Try and treat yourself as you would a friend going through this.

darkriver I am sorry if I said the wrong thing. Whatever the future holds I hope that it will have peace in it. I do think sometimes that peace can exist alongside the grief but I've not experienced what you have so I cannot say.

However "Thank you all for your kindness. I don't feel I deserve it but that's part of the problem. Who gets to decide if I am unworthy of kindness." I can answer that question. You are currently feeling like you are unworthy of kindness but we are all here to say we think you are worthy.

Really this may not sink in at all but if you can manage for a little while, just think that those of us who are adoptive parents often so genuinely care for the people who gave birth to our children and we do feel a sense of awe for those, like you, who put your children first.

@italiangreyhound, of course, you didn't say the wrong thing.
My day hasn't gotten any better. I got some abusive messages on my facebook and blog this morning. However, I did make a doctors appointment. Even if they can't help at least I have spoken to someone.

"of course, you didn't say the wrong thing." Phew, I was worrying that my comments were too simplistic.

I really do respect you and I think you should respect yourself much more. You are worthy of better.

I'm so sorry you got grief on Faceblook and Blog, be careful, social media can be so toxic sometimes. XX

thinking of you @dark

Hi @darkriver19886 just wanted to echo everything else the others have said and to say you are not alone, you are very brave and you absolutely deserve kindness.

There is an app called action for happiness which promotes positive mental health and well being. The month of September is ‘self care September’. The message today is ‘talk to yourself like you would to someone you love’

Wishing you all the very best