Post adoption behaviour literature

[AgathaCroosty]

Hello, out for some advice. We've had a LO placed with us for 2 weeks. I know it's early days, but some family members are being very blasé about the behaviour we're experiencing & having to deal with.

They're brushing it off as normal LO behaviour, when we know that if a normal child behaved like our LO does we'd be having input from professionals.

All the behaviour is anxiety/ stress and new environment led. Theres lots of dysregulation & meltdowns for no main reason (other than internal thoughts)

I wondered if anyone had any literature we could point family too?

TIA

Congratulations on your new little one.
The A-Z of therapeutic parenting by Sarah Naish is a great book and has a good section at the front explaining why traditional parenting methods may not be helpful or effective for children with a trauma history.
Also recommend joining the Therapeutic Parenting Fb group ( it has hands on the logo), it's a hive of knowledge and someone maybe able to suggest s big specifically to share with family members.

Wonderful Swizzle thank you!

Hope it gets better.

Cab I ask how family know about the behaviour? Are they witnessing it or are you telling them? If the former I'd hunker down and stay away from family, if the layer I'd not tell them too much at this stage.

Good luck.

Bit of both tbh.

My husband accidentally (conveniently) bumped into his parents when he took LO to the local shops, 3 days post placement. He said that "it went well" (I firmly believe that LO was likely living in back brain with it being 3 days post placement, hence why it appeared to have gone well).

My husband now believes that because the first meeting went well, we should continue & quick progression.

Yesterday my husband went out with his mother. When he arrived back home, I did a test & greeted daddy at the front door, LO also seeing his mother. I knew that we would get a meltdown reaction from LO but I'd tried to explain this previously to no effect.

(My husband, although I love him dearly, is one of those people who firmly believes that he knows best, even when he doesn't & won't accept constructed feedback or any form of support, so this whole new situation has been difficult from the get go).

Fast forward a few hours & She was dysregulated from about 20 minutes after shutting the front door, right through to and beyond bedtime. My husband took the lead with bedtime (which usually takes an hour) 3 hours later he was red ringed around the eyes & fit for nothing.

I then prompted a conversation about what he felt went wrong & he acctually said "it's because she seen my mother" - thank god I say - the penny has dropped.

This viewing from the door then prompted a conversation from his mother about the next meeting & husband explained what we had experienced during the afternoon & they've brushed it off as normal toddler swine behaviour.

Needless to say we have now both agreed to halt on physical and contextual information to family & carry on the three of us for the next couple of weeks.

If you google "inner world work" (depending on the age of your child) that also has some excellent one-pagers on "what survival looks like for me" listing the different types of survival behaviours children might show depending on their personal pattern (fight, flight, submit, avoid). I'm not saying I would necessarily share all that with anyone else now, but it might give you some useful shorthand - and it also helpfully gives some ideas for how to help regulate each of those types of distress.

Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about this in the long run unless you're prepared for rows and potentially cutting of all contact. They are unlikely to ever accept any other explanation beyond their idea that this is normal beg for a child.

I've found that I clash with my mum because my parenting style is very different to hers. Mine is more let's jump together until you can do it on your own whereas hers is you better know how to jump when she says it and work out how high as you're doing it.

Hi OP, "Needless to say we have now both agreed to halt on physical and contextual information to family & carry on the three of us for the next couple of weeks."

Great news. I think you both need to think it through and to be honest you need to scale back the seeing family thing. You know your little one needs to get to know you both and additional family/contacts etc will not help this. your one goal in this early days is to build connection with your child and other people will only confuse your child and probably you too!

Many of my really bad parenting decisions have been when I was trying to centre the adults instead of my child! And my son has been with us over 5 years! So we all make mistakes.

OP you can control how you relate to your inlaws/parents etc. You cannot necessarily control what they think but IMHO you can:

• Tell them how it is

• Not engage in discussions where they try and tell you about your child and what is normal

• Limit contact until a time/place that suits you (for example meeting them at the park may mean you can leave easily when you need to, your child may be less focused on another adult in your home etc

• You do not need to argue with them, you can just disengage from conversations where they are attempting to be an authority on your child

Sorry if that sounds simplistic but it can work, you just need to be in control and get your dh on side. It is totall normal family want to see your little one, and it is nice they do.

But you don't need to give in! Share whatever you want to with them, point them towards whatever books or articles you think they may read but ultimately you can be in control of the contact they have with your child.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone, some really interesting points & I agree with holding back & concentrating on the three of us for the time being..

It's very important that we nail our bonding at the first instance.

It's very important that we nail our bonding at the first instance.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourselves, your bonding will take place over months and years - it’s not a one time thing and you’ll see those bonds feel tighter and more secure and at times you’ll feel them as tenuous and fragile.

It’s good to give yourselves time just now but in hindsight that wasn’t remotely about bonding in those early days, it was about adjustment and culture shock. If you think about how terrified your LO is just now, they’re in no place to bond with anyone - they’re in survival mode and holding them safe will start the bonding process, yes but you have time on your side here.

The only thing I’d add to @Italiangreyhound’s excellent advice would be to find someone outside of your family who does get it. For me that’s been a friend whose child has autism - because she understands the extremes of what you can be dealing with while your child seems to cope elsewhere and knows it way more than “normal toddler” stuff.

Congratulations on your new LO, it’s early days so give yourself time - you sound like you’re doing a great job.

AgathaCroosty the bonding and attachment will come with time. It sneaks up on you maybe!

Also, times of difficulty which feel like they can break you can -sometimes - make you!

It sounds glib but sticking up for your child (in your head, or with relatives, or with strangers etc) can strengthen your inner feelings for them. Their hearing praise and you speaking in a kind appropriate way (that they can handle etc), can strengthen their bond with you.

I didn't believe my birth dd had autism because she appeared to hold it together out in public and I assumed if she was really autistic, she would not be able to do so! But the reality is maybe that kids can sometimes hold it together in public, appear fine, and be falling apart internally for all kinds of reasons.

Your relatives think it is normal but you will learn more and more as time goes on what is right/normal/OK/not OK for your child.

You will become an expert in your child and when that happens you won't necessarily feel the need to convince others, because you will just want to focus on the needs of your child.

Don’t put up with rubbish from people, of course, but don't feel you need to put everyone straight on what your child can or cannot handle, just put your wisdom into practice for your child as often as you can.

Good luck.

I think that the advice you got re managing the ILs and everyone else is good. I wouldn't get them to read things, as that will invite debate, just decide what involvement you want them to have (and get your DH on board) and otherwise blissfully ignore comments.

In relation to literature, based on my experiences as adoptee and parent I would say instead of trying to find adoption literature, look at good parenting websites such as ahaparenting, which is written by a psychologist and the advice is evidence based and referenced, and is genuinely therapeutic by its nature (as evidence shows this is the best way of parenting!). There is a wide spectrum of "normal" (which might be what your MIL was saying) and after a settling in period for your dc, to the extent your dc's behaviour is not "normal", or not normal for your child (as you get to know them), then get prof help sooner rather than later.