School and getting through the door!

[Weatherforducks]

So next week my eldest starts school! They have both been home a year and come on in leaps and bounds, they are so grown up compared to the little toddlers we met last year.

Eldest has been going to nursery two days a week and finds it quite easy to make friends and has enjoyed it. Occasaionally he doesn’t want to go in, but it got better over time, was awful to begin with.

We have been talking about school, we’ve been in for a taster day (but he would not let me out of his sight, but did let me get further away from him). We have done drive pasts and walk pasts, he’s been pointing his school out to family members. We have talked about the routine that will happen and I plan on giving him something of mine to look after. But he has clearly articulated that he’s angry and anxious about having to go to school.

I feel that he is as psychologically prepped as possible, but worry that I won’t physically be able to get him through the door. I worry that he will cling tightly to me and it will be traumatic. I am concerned about how I should react to this, I am concerned about my inexperience.

He doesn’t have to start school until early next year, he could do half days if it all goes to pot, but I would rather he started with his peers (even if we have to reduce to half days).

Does anyone have any strategies that will help get him through the door, I know once he is in he will fly, but I want to help him rather than make it worse.

Hi Weather. My eldest starts school next week too & has been with us 18 months.

Have you been to speak to his new teacher or the SENCO? That's where I started. I was quite anxious so went in last April & had several meetings with the staff team. My LO doesn't have any known additional needs but I felt that I wanted the school to be aware of her background and find out what they can put in place for her. They were hugely accommodating. You could contact the school now and ask for a meeting early next week as they should be in from Monday. You could ask for support in putting together a plan for your son building up his hours each day?

This school has a nursery attached to it & let me LO have a transition period last term so she was used to coming into the building and built relationships with some peers. Obvs it's too late for that now. But on the first day their nursery staff come over to reception and help settle the kids.

Do your school do home visits? My LOs new teacher came to visit us at home to meet LO and find out all about her. The school also made her a social story have you heard of these? You still have time to pull a quick one together I think - you just need to get a picture of the school off the internet, the teacher, playground etc and make a 'book' that talks about all these things - also you can include details about what his new routine will be.

What worked when you AS first started nursery? Whatever you did then to help settle him could you do again?

Despite all the planning we've put in place my AD is still very anxious about starting school next week & im seeing some old behaviours resurface. She's also started talking about her foster carers. I just keep thinking she won't be the only child struggling with starting school. And she's been through far harder transitions and managed well so I'm sure she'll manage this as will your son.

Let us know how you both get on!

Hi @Gertruude, thank you so much for replying.

Yes, my eldest has had a few regressions too! And snap, talking about the foster carers! We have seen a slight downward turn in behaviour...but not enough to cause concern - but I think my eldest is a master at control of what others see, so I think he must be very anxious inside.

I have been into the school to talk to the teacher (she was lovely), although no issues are known requiring extra support, I found being open about certain things ‘on a need to know basis’ with nursery really helpful. So speaking to his teacher will assist with his hyper vigilance and his need for space when an error in judgement has occurred - so I’m glad I did that. I think because of how he was and what she knows, I think she will be on the lookout for him on starting day (I will make a beeline to her as well).

The book about his new school, I haven’t done - gonna do that tonight - thank you - he is really keen on visuals and books!

And your suggestion about thinking what worked well with nursery really snapped my mind back into focus, so again thank you. It may require a smaller build up than all in from day one, I may need to hang around for a bit. I used to tell the kids what tasks I had to complete before picking them up e.g. I have to mow the lawn, and then I will come and collect you - almost like what I was doing was just as important to them as what they were doing.

Out of interest, what are you doing the day before school? Will it be a business as usual day or a special treat? I was going down the special treat road, but maybe a business as usual day will be just what’s needed. Thank you again.

I'd forgotten how comforting my AD found it when I told her what I'd be up to whilst she was out at nursery before I picked her up - I will do that again too thanks for the reminder.

We just went out for a special treat today she and I. Our plan is to have a calm few days before school starts on weds but we will set our alarm for 7am on Monday & Tuesday & then try to mimic the school morning routine - just so it's not quite such a shock to the system on Wednesday! Ours have slept in later and later over the summer and often had Long lazy mornings. So next week we'll get up have breakfast and get ready to go out before 9am. We'll probs talk a lot about how "on Wednesday we'll do this but we'll be going to school instead of the library" or whatever it is we're doing. We also plan to get the kids in bed very early Sunday/Monday/Tuesday so they're back into a better bedtime routine as that's slipped a little too. Anything we can to avoid Wednesday being a big shock!

Just saw this on Facebook too - quite a nice idea

Oops volume on my screen shot!

watching with interest as my AS of three weeks starts juniors next week

Dont forget that every school should have a named teacher with responsibility for LAC and former LAC. Might be worth contacting them too, firstly to make sure they are aware that your child is adopted and secondly they will have contact details for the LA Virtual School who will probably have good advice for supporting your anxious child.

Good luck, I hope everything pans out for you, it's a stressful and tiring time for many new entry children, must be doubly hard for children with attachment anxieties.

Love the idea of drawing a love heart! I draw imaginary love hearts on him already, so this will fit right in.

They had a day out today, so I think we will try to get a routine going too. And I will get to know who the contact is for previously LAC.

I am so very proud of how far they have both come over the last year and I told them that tonight, my eldest, although only 4, said ‘but how have I made you proud?’. They are so bright and so alert. Such a big moment in their lives, made just a little harder through their start in life. I hope I can make him proud next week in how I handle the transition. Thank you for all the advice.

although no issues are known requiring extra support,

Your child having been looked after is, in itself, a known issue requiring additional support. The school should be aware of this and be clear about how they can support him.

The other thing, which may not be popular here or in school, is to defer entry. I think 4 is very young to be starting formal education in the best of circumstances much less for a newly placed adopted child. What makes it so important that he starts with his peers -v- having a bit of extra attachment, maturing time with mum? Would the school bit continue his nursery place until he is legally due to start school to give him the best chance of managing?

Yes I understand that him being previously looked after is a known issue requiring extra support, and that is why I have spoken to his teacher on a one to one basis.

I know we can defer, it may well be the route we take, but for now I feel the best route to take is to try school (we can always step back). I’m no expert of course, I may be getting this all wrong, I’m sure I've already got many things wrong, I can only do what I feel is right for him with the knowledge I have at the time.

Pre-school and reception work very closely together, the classes even spend time together during the day, so stepping back a little if needed would not be an issue.

I’m sorry, when you said “there are no known issues” I wanted to check you knew that LAC children automatically are considered in need of additional support - many people don’t know that and schools are good at ignoring it.

I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, I was merely offering an alternative if you think starting school is going to be distressing for him. I’m in Scotland where it’s no big issue at all to defer 4 year olds from starting school but I know it can be very different south of the border.

I know these things can feel huge, which is why I was trying to explore your alternatives, I’m not trying to imply you don’t know what you’re doing or are getting it wrong - I was merely trying to help. I’m not sure my post merited the level of defensiveness it received.

I wish you every good thing on your journey.

@Weatherforducks @jellycatspyjamas
I hope I’m not derailing the thread here but can I ask a question?
I know that schools have to have a designated member of staff for LAC/post-LAC children - is this the same for nurseries? I was looking at the extremely long list of different roles and who they are held by in my sons nursery, and I didn’t see any mention of LAC.

My DCs nursery was attached to their school so the LAC staff member for school simply covered the nursery too. I’m going to guess it depends on the setting in that I doubt private nurseries will have but pre-school/local authority ones will. Which basically is a long way of saying I don’t know

thanks Jellycat, I should probably just ask them anyway!

We got through the door!

Teachers were straight to him. They let me and his sister in to find his peg and settle him in, we played a few games and then the teacher took him off for a story. There was a little resistance, but as soon as I was home I got a text saying he’d settled. Every member of staff I spoke to remembered us from the settling in day, so I think he’s got a few people looking out for him. A nervous wait now until pick up. Time enough for his little sister to get some mum time...she’s missing him though.

Well done @Weatherforducks sounds like you handled it all very well. Let us know how he finds his first day.

Great news, I hope the rest of the day goes well.

He’s had a lovely day. Came out beaming saying that he likes school now. He was a bit shocked to have to be going back tomorrow though ‘but I went today’! Seems like the teachers weren’t the only ones keeping an eye out for him, a little girl befriended him and took him by the hand everywhere!

But...bit of a meltdown over tea time!, more so than usual. So going to keep an eye on it to make sure he’s coping. Don’t expect him to be awake long tonight, it must be so tiring and draining experiencing so many new things and running on adrenaline all day.

Littlest had a lovely day, although she missed him, she seemed to grow a bit taller and become a little more mature having all of the attention.

So a good day, but it has taken it’s toll on the eldest.

Well done, so often these things are easier than we think they’ll be. Poor soul will be worn out though, it’s such a long day for small children. Lots of cuddles and an early night will help him hugely.

Day 1 for us is tomorrow..

Good luck @topcat2014 .

@jellycatspyjamas Thank you, Yes sleep and lots and lots of cuddles! Also trying to keep routine in other areas and everything easy, avoiding any potential flash points...so easy dinner - that everyone loves, cartoon on TV that everyone loves etc. There is a lovely river near school, I might try a little walk one day after school - see if it releases any tention before we go home.

I think as adopters we are always on high alert for anything related to trauma/adoption. Sometimes it’s all fine, sometimes something we couldn’t of predicted bites us in the arse. Sometimes it’s not related to adoption at all, Sometimes it’s all fine, because we’ve already war gamed it out in our heads! It’s exhausting!

My eldest does show signs of hyper viligence - he must constantly be exhausted, then we go and throw in another transition. Sometimes I think our kids must be made of rubber...sometimes I think the body keeps score - and this is all coming back up at some point!

@Weatherforducks - you mention the river. No idea if this helps but last year I looked after friends' children for a few days, taking them home from nursery and looking after them for a few hours in the evening. I'd been warned that the older child (then three) tended to have meltdowns on arriving home, and sitting him in front of the tv with his tablet was the best way of dealing with him.

@topcat2014

Twice we went home in the car and that is what happened. Once we walked. It was quite a trek (about a mile) and included a steep hill. He wasn't thrilled but we just took it slowly, and I let him pick up whatever treasures he found on the way to keep him interested. His reaction on getting home was totally different. No need for tv or tablet, and no threat of a meltdown. We did some baking instead. It was as though the slow walk had given him time to transition from one place to another.

Of course, it could have been a one-off but his mother did say that she noticed he went in to nursery far calmer if they walked there, so maybe there was something in it.

@topcat2014 - hope all goes well today.

he was thrilled to go. met by the head , deputy and then class teacher. quick wave then he was off. I may (did) blub a bit on the walk back which could have looked odd as a 47 y.o man!

Hi, I don't want to undermine anyone's decision to send their child to school. But in case anyone isn't aware (and would find it helpful) it is legal to home educate in the UK. You don't have to send your child to school. More info here: www.educationotherwise.org/