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Help me keep my sanity

18 replies

Touchedout · 30/08/2019 13:39

Had a really trying time. Dh has been so ill and in and out of hospital. He is now on the mend but obviously this has affected our AD (5yrs). She adores her daddy and was very upset over his illness. I have also been a crap mum as I struggled to keep us all going through the worry and the times in hospital. I've barely coped and suffer terrible guilt.

I spoke to AD a lot about him, reassuring her the doctors were making him better. We talked about the fact it takes time. She understood and was actually brilliant.

He has been home a couple of weeks now and she is struggling hugely. She is so happy but all she says is how she missed him and is he better now. I go through it with her multiple times a day and I let her help with making his tea etc. He is still ill and on lots of medication that makes him grumpy/feel odd. He is desperately trying to give her his attention but she is just non stop.

Now I don't need anybody to tell me what Is going on here. I know the poor girl is worried about her daddy, she is also back at school next week. She tells me she misses me when I'm at work. She needs our attention and I totally understand why. Of course the poor girl does!

My issue is that it never seems to be enough? Does that make sense? Like,when I'm driving, she is in the back demanding I look at her. I explain I can't etc. When I cuddle her, it's like it just isn't enough. She is now not sleeping either so tired as well. I feel like she wants me to sit, looking at her, 24hrs a day with nothing else. I am desperately trying to set aside time for her and give her more cuddles etc but it is never enough.

I have normal life and a sick dh to care for. I feel like locking myself in the toilet and hiding.

I just don't seem to be able to achieve what she needs from me. I feel horrendous. Just a handhold would be good. I know sensibly that she will settle again in time but bloody hell it is so hard right now Sad

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 30/08/2019 13:46

Time and hopefully school routine will help immensely.
In the meantime you are doing all the right things by the sounds of it so dont feel guilty.
Do you have anyone who can help out with your daughter for a few hours to help ?

NoSauce · 30/08/2019 13:54

I’m sorry things are so tough for you all OP.
You know why she’s behaving like this but it doesn’t make it any less hard. Do you have a supportive family that can pitch in? Take her out for the afternoon or help with care for DH? Just so you get a few hours respite?

Touchedout · 30/08/2019 14:03

Thanks both, my family had her an awful lot while DH was in hospital. She adores them and found it exciting but I suspect that it also added to her new feelings of insecurity. I guess I feel now that her being with us is the only way forward to help her. We love her so much, she is normally so happy.

We have decided to close ranks this weekend. Dh is going to slap a smile on his face no matter how he feels. We will just be the 3 of us and perhaps a couple of cuddly Disney films (with a fan on!). Did the food shop today so there is nothing pressing that needs to be done.

Just bloody hard work isn't it

OP posts:
Ted27 · 30/08/2019 14:11

Sadly, sometimes it is never enough.
Am I right in thinking you are at work? where is she ? Is takinga few weeks sick leave to get her over the return to school worth thinking about ?

Touchedout · 30/08/2019 15:50

Sadly, sometimes it is never enough.

Ted, without meaning to sound like an utter cow, I just need a sounding board right now and a handhold. I don't need to read things like that. I am well aware of the issues surrounding adoption and well aware this is a possibility. I am confident she will settle as I have been her mother for over 4 years. If she doesn't, I will cross that bridge. I have been a name changing member of the board since we adopted her. I just need a hand hold and some solidarity.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 30/08/2019 16:28

@touchedout, sorry I clearly didnt come across as intended. I was just trying to acknowledge that yes its bloody hard at times and no matter what we do, it just never seems enough.
I have been there, I do understand.
Taking some time away from work was also intended to be helpful, sometimes we battle on too long, you have a lot on your plate, and sometimes you just can't do it all. I battled on for a long time, taking a month off work just gave me some breathing space, time to get my energy back to deal with it all

selly24 · 30/08/2019 16:51

I am sure you are doing an AMAZING job... hand holding here as requested.

Not yet an adoptive parent myself but have heard an analogy of the child being like a plastic cup and parental care being like the love and care you show - you keep trying to fill the cup (eg with water)but the hole in the bottom makes it impossible to fill...

All that’s possible is to keep the cup filled to a healthy level with that’s 3/4, 1/2, 1/4 depends on the challenges. With what you are going through, 1/8 would be the work of a Saint!

Touchedout · 30/08/2019 18:29

Thanks Ted, apologies. As you can see, I am at the end of my tether!

I think the cup analogy is an accurate one!

This afternoon was a little better. We cuddled up with a film and made sure we talked to her about the film the whole way through and generally tried to hold her/touch her as much as possible. She was a bit calmer for dinner and didn't chat our ears off quite so much. We've pretty much decided the weekend will just be the three of us. Poor kiddie Sad

OP posts:
tldr · 30/08/2019 19:59

Gosh, how hard. FWIW, I think you’re doing exactly the right thing. Holing up with the three of you as much as possible sounds like exactly what she needs. Bin off the housework and cooking and shopping and anything else that’s not absolutely necessary.

If it helps, if you’re feeling touched out, I used to lie on my side on the sofa and let child sit behind the crook of my knee. They got the closeness they apparently needed, my head and arms got left in relative peace...

fasparent · 30/08/2019 20:47

In same situation DS has Multiple development delays attends SEN School. DH had a bad accident at Christmas is still in a wheel chair don't know for how long. DH did most of his activity's with him as due too DS condition is very active (age 5)., was hard at first now is a treasure takes a lot of responsibility pushes the chair cuddles on his knee, dad can dress him, play and occupy him whilst I do shopping and other work., has been positive in some ways helps DS understanding and his condition. Family take ds out on trips too shops, park and so on. Has friends come round and cousins of same age too play with him more often. DH has got a semi automatic small car so can now take him out too suitable places been nearly 12 months now so DS is accustomed too DH disability.
Unfortunately these thing happen, all back too school next week so you will get a bit of rest bite , though our's is not happy too going back , spends too much time playing with dad. Sure things will get better for you, chin up XX

ifchocolatewerecelery · 30/08/2019 22:38

Hugs, attachment issues can be relentless. Have you heard of NATP (nation association of therapeutic parenting) they have a free closed Facebook group called therapeutic parenting and they also run met up groups all round the country made up of adopters, foster carers and family carers with SGOs. Your local authority might also have a nearby support group you can attend even if you adopted through an agency. Spending time with people who get it might help you keep it.

Italiangreyhound · 31/08/2019 01:50

Touchedout hand holding as required.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing.

A weekend of comfort for you all.

Anyway, good luck.

Allington · 31/08/2019 09:31

Handholding.

There was one time with DD draped all over me and a passer by said 'ohhh, it's so lovely at that age, all the cuddles' and I just wanted to SCREAM because DD was draining the life out of me with that constant need.

I saw it the other day with a friend who is 3 years in with her 5 year old, and it brought it right back.

I get it wouldn't help to get your family involved in caring for your DD, as she needs you and DH, but if you can rope them (or friends) into housework, dropping off cooked meals, running errands for you, go for it.

I used to go to church religiously (pun intended Grin ) during the difficult times, as the girls would go to Sunday School for an hour and I would sneak off to a coffee shop and stare into space for an hour instead of not listening to the sermon.

NoSauce · 31/08/2019 10:37

How are things today OP? I hope you all manage to have a good weekend together being at home and that DD settles a little soon.

Touchedout · 31/08/2019 16:08

Not too bad today thanks. My mum put pressure on us to see her today and I just had to say no.

We chose to go to the nearest city and look round the shops together and now we are home and just relaxing. DD is even in a different room colouring in...can't believe it! I mean she comes back every 10 minutes to tell me something check I'm still here but I feel that is progress!

This morning she was grumpy that I had to go out for an hour but actually dh felt more his usual self and I came home to find them playing together. Without wanting to put it all on dh, I think that was what she needed. That hour he played with her seemed to top her up for a good few hours. She hasn't asked if he is ok so much today....fingers crossed!

OP posts:
tldr · 31/08/2019 18:25

Excellent news. 😀

Italiangreyhound · 01/09/2019 09:42

Excellent. Well done for pushing back against mum! Most of the times o feel o made a mistake (small) on parenting are when I was thinking of the other adults and not my child! So you did good. Flowers

NoSauce · 01/09/2019 09:45

Oh good. She probably does need a bit of time with her dad even though she doesn’t understand that. Hope today is as good for you all.

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