How to stop life being one long negotiation

[topcat2014]

My lovely 7 y/o has been with us 3 weeks now.

We need to do some dull stuff (shopping, school shoes etc).

Instead, I am watching endless power rangers and 'pleading' that perhaps we could get dressed after the next episode.

he won't want to go shopping, obviously, but real life has to fit in somewhere.

Plus - I hate being held a little bit hostage in the house. I am generally a get out doors get on with stuff person, rather than a pyjamas till lunchtime one.

Options?

Thanks,

visual timetable,
don't plead, tell him how many episodes he can have before you need to get on with the day
good old fashioned bribery, build something into the shopping trip that he will like - McDonalds for lunch ?

good luck, just about to commence battle with my fifteen year old , PSfour V barber !

I know it's difficult because you are probably primarily concerned with building attachments, but it's time to put some boundaries in place. You are the parent. You don't plead. Children need boundaries to feel safe.

A warning that tomorrow there will only be one episode and then you'll be going out, once you get home he can have another episode.

Best of luck!

DD1 is 5, been with us nearly 5 years now. I'm not sure it ever completely stops being a negotiation and everything takes longer than before we had kids.

I agree with PP's that you don't plead. 3 weeks is very early and honestly I would not try to do anything you don't really need to. Try to make every day low stakes and easy, then build up slowly.

• Routines are good, including keeping timings the same. I agree about visual prompts for the routines (e.g. bedtime could be broken into steps: pyjamas on, brush teeth, story, bed).

• I use timings and warnings a lot. 5 min, then 1 min warning when leaving somewhere fun or watching telly (doesn't matter about accuracy). If they paddy when asked to stop then they don't get that treat for the next day.

• Don't leave them too long on any one thing. 10 min of screen time, 20 min playing alone then you play with them for a bit. You'll think they are happy as Larry but they become a bit morose- learn to butt in early and keep the plate spinning.

• Give advanced notice of what you are doing and try to stick to plans.

• Far better to avoid battles, but if you have to have one: win. It's not personal. You are the adult. You present them with a choice and there are positive or negative consequences to that choice. If you punish them in anger you will make mistakes.

• Remind yourself and them that you have universal positive regard for them. No matter what they do, you will love them- tell them that. When they come out of a negative period, give them a fresh start. It should be about consequences to their poor choice- they are always a wonderful child who made a mistake, not a naughty child.

• Nobody does all that crap I just said. We all want to throttle the bastards at some point. We all get frustrated. Do not beat yourself up, have some gin and try again tomorrow.

Oh God, those early days...

I’d echo PP, you’re the adult, children need clarity and boundaries - they need to know you’re strong enough to set and hold boundaries because they can’t do it for themselves.

Things that worked for my 6 year old...

• be clear about what’s happening. One more episode means one more episode and then mummy if turning the tv off. Then turn the tv off after one more episode. If he cries and gets upset, comfort him, calm him and get on with what you need to do.

• limit screens. Seriously, a tv day every now and again is fine but otherwise I kept a tight limit. Half an hour at most and no computer games at all. Screens have a soporific effect, it gives them something to detach to and helps them avoid the hard stuff that they’re feeling (think of those Netflix and chocolate binges we turn to when we’re upset, it numbs things right?)

• visual reminders, time warnings when things are moving (eg 5 more minutes of Lego then it’s bath time), I had an hour glass thing that we used so they could physically see time passing. When the time is up start doing whatever you were going to do. It’s not the first time I’d take my DDs hand and physically lead her to the bathroom, start getting her ready for her bath. Lots of reassurance but firm that X is happening now.

• give either/or choices - you can have peas or sweet corn with dinner. We can go to the park or swimming - limit open questions as much as possible

• be ok with being the bad guy. Make a decision and stick with it, I found “1,2,3 magic” really helpful. “Can you put your shoes on please”. “Put your shoes on please”. “Shoes on” as you physically put shoes on. There may be tears but that’s ok.

• don’t be worried or afraid of tears or anger. He has a lot to cry and be angry about, his whole workday has changed and he may not be able to access those feelings in their own right. Crying about something you’re doing allows the emotion to come in measured doses about an actual thing without being overwhelming. I lost count of the number of times tears would start out being about not liking dinner and end up being about how scared she was, how sad she was, how much she missed her foster carers, how much she didn’t want to leave etc. Think about how you might need a good cry, so you watch a sad movie to provoke tears, save process at play here.

• help him understand his feelings, if he’s looking anxious or worried babe that firm him, if he’s really tearful let him cry on you. I remember endlessly holding my little girl as she broke her heart whispering to her about how much change she’s coping with, how it’s too much for a little girl to do all on her own - basically trying to give words to her emotional and psychological process when she couldn’t

• after all that, pick your battles. If you need to get out of the house once a day to feel human, make that your goal even if it’s a walk down the street. If the “thing” doesn’t make a difference don’t fight the thing, let him have choice

At this stage it is all about attachment, it’s also about huge emotions in little people (and big people ), anything you can do to set boundaries while accepting his need to kick off or indeed ignore those boundaries will strengthen attachment and promote emotional literacy.

It’s all part of it along with gin. And shouting. And losing patience. And thinking everyone could do this better than you. And wondering what fresh hell you’ve invited into your life.

Nobody does all that crap I just said. We all want to throttle the bastards at some point. We all get frustrated. Do not beat yourself up, have some gin and try again tomorrow.

And this. And feeling like that doesn’t mean you don’t want him, won’t grow to love him with all your being or that you’re doing it wrong - it means you’re human too.

Have you read any of Sarah naish’s books on therapeutic parenting. The a-z of therapeutic parenting is great. An easy pick up and read on the relevant topic/issue that is going on at the time.

She talks about it being important for the parent to be in control and to dictate as it were to the children. Our children can not make choices. They often need to be told what to do. She describes the children as little carriages in a train and the adult is the engine. Wherever the engine goes the carriages follow. She would advocate that when it is time to leave the house you leave and invariable (I think this depends on age of the child but I imagine at 7 it still will work) the child will follow as they will not want to be left behind. I do this with mine if they don’t want to leave when it is time to go. I lift coats, shoes, clothes if necessary and walk out to the house, put them into the car and stand by the car with the house door open. They quite quickly realise I mean business and follow. We put our clothes on in the car if still in pyjamas etc. They have never yet refused to put clothes on once we get to wherever we are going.

However we rarely have to do that anymore as we instigated a strict getting dressed before we go down for breakfast rule about three months after they moved in. Getting dressed after breakfast was becoming a battle. They loved their breakfast and did not want anything to come in the way of it. We now wake up and immediately get dressed before going down for breakfast. This has worked a treat for us. Also do bath and pj’s before dinner as again the incentive of getting into/out of bath and dressed was getting down sooner for dinner. We found it took a lot of the battles out.

You need to take control now, have well planned out days with a visual timetable if necessary. Talk through your day in the morning and stick to it. Our kids at 3&4 rarely get to pick what they want to do. They just can’t do it. We tell them how we are going to spend the day.

It is so hard in the early days, the days are long and draining. Make sure you take time for self-care.

Thanks all, yes, I have the a-z book - and really must get into it. I read some of it prior to placement, but haven't since he arrived.

In the end, we got out of the house at about 11 - and I had set a limit of two episodes.

We got the school shoes, and he actually skipped about through town and had a good time.

I think 'shopping' must have negative prior associations - so we might need to describe the necessary trips in another way.

Having said that, shopping is not a leisure activity for us either..

We have been on a steep learning curve over three weeks on boundaries - and are learning to be firm. Often, we find looking slightly away rather than face to face is easier when we have to say "we are leaving the park now".

@Ted27 said to use bribery like going to McDonald's as part of a shopping trip. Do these things but don't view them as bribery. They are a chance to meet a basic need (eating) in a way that also makes a memory and might even become an enjoyable ritual for you as a family.

I keep cartoons of fruit juice and small packets of haribo in the boot of the car. They are useful because it means I always have drinks and snacks available when we're out and about so I don't have to worry if I suddenly realise I forgot to pack something or we're out longer than I expected to be. Also it means we have a reason to go back to the car and suddenly there's fact that it's time to leave whatever fun activity we were doing is not so bad any more. Chewing and sucking are activities that are naturally soothing so that also helps my LO feel better about it being home time. Finally I often have either a drink or some haribo too and suddenly it's a chance to reconnect and talk either about the fun we've just had or what we'll be doing next.

As others have said you are the parent you have to set boundaries but you can be very creative doing that. I also use an alarm on my phone to signal it's time to leave because then suddenly it's not just me saying it's time to do something, my phone is pointing out that it's time to go.

Love the phone alarm idea! (and the rest, @ifchocolatewerecelery)

Sound like it was a success! Well done.

Re: not calling it shopping - that could seem too uncertain perhaps? Sometimes being very specific can reduce anxiety, so rather than 'shopping' you will go and get some new shoes, then a loaf of bread, and then come home again. A 7 year old can then see more clearly what exactly is going to happen, there are no gaps to fill in, especially as at the moment they have no idea what 'shopping' will normally consist of for you.

Just as 'breakfast' means different things in different families, as does any other generic word. Others have suggested visual timetables, I know for some families where the children have anxiety around food availability they have found putting up weekly menus and timings of meals and snacks useful, and routines are great such as going to the same place (park, swimming pool, library, whatever) at the same time each week, it reduces anxiety and creates a feeling of family - this is your family tradition.

Routines also reduce conflict - DD will argue anything and everything quite happily, but her bedtime routine is so ingrained she just does it without question. Plus, use technology to set your boundary if you can - DD's computer log in switches the computer off at 8pm which is what I have set as her end of screen time and move into bedtime routine. It creates a completely different dynamic than me telling her to switch off the computer because it is 8pm. No scope to plead, negotiate, rant at me (I am usually not even in the room!).

Think of repetition as a way of strengthening your bond and relationship, and defining you as a family unit - what will your Xmas traditions be? Do you do anything in particular to mark the end of the week, the end of the term? What do you do on birthdays (breakfast in bed for the birthday person? When do you give/open presents?). Do you have a special breakfast on Sundays? Is Friday night always pizza/ fish and chips / other particular meal? In the early days I suggest less flexibility rather than more, for everyone's sake, the less you have to think about 'what do we do / cook / clean today?' the less mental energy it takes. As you go along you will work out what is useful or fun for your family, and what you can drop and become more flexible and spontaneous.

Just as DDs now knows that 'taking a book back to the library' in my world means the best part of an hour pottering around looking at books, at the end of which I might or might not take some out but 'shopping' means as quick a sprint round the supermarket as possible. Clothes shopping is now delegated to them, as DD1 is old enough to handle taking DD2 and they both looove spending hours looking at clothes these are things we joke about as a family, it makes us US as a family

Oh, and as people have said before, do the problem activity before the fun - clothes on before breakfast like pinklady or shopping before lunch at MacD's Ted

Set the focus on the fun, and the problem activity as a minor, quick detail to be got out of the way so you can get going with FUN!