18 month Constantly wanting to be up!

[Tocka]

Hi all, I have a 18 month old little girl who came to us when she was 11 months. She is the most sociable little baby I’ve met and an absolute dream when I’m out with other people... however... when I’m in the house with her she wants to be held constantly. She must say ‘up’ 300 times a day! She won’t play alone even when I’m in the same room as her. If I get up to put the kettle on she wants to be held and has a proper meltdown when I explain why I can’t hold her. It even happens when I’m sat down with her on my lap.
This has been going on since we had her! She’s too busy to sit down and play with me on the floor and cries because she wants me to walk around with her in my arms! I have absolutely no idea what to do or how to tackle this behaviour. I have no doubt that this isn’t because she us adopted but wondered if anyone else had experience with this?

Did you mean ‘this is because she is adopted?’ rather than ‘this isn’t because she is adopted.’

With children who have experienced early trauma you need to think much younger in terms of emotional age - so instead of her being 18 months think 6-9 months. What would you do with that age of baby? At that stage there would still be lots of cuddling, bottle feeding, nursing to sleep in your arms - all to build nurture and attachment. Your little one is obviously needing this nurturing baby stage with you.

This I know is very tiring and exhausting simply because of her size. With a six month there will be lots more natural respite opportunities as they sleep more often but it is important that you find a way of managing it as best you can. I would suggest looking to see if you have a sling library local to you. They will recommend and hire a good carrier that will allow you to baby wear your little one around the house and when you are out and about. I prefer structured carriers like Tula or Lillibaby and can comfortably carry a toddler for an hour or two at a time in it leaving my hands free for other things. I would even use it when out and about to encourage her to stay close to you as opposed to being overly social when really building attachment and reliance on you as primary caregiver is vital.

You also need to factor in breaks for yourself. Can you hand over to a significant other to allow you some time each day to breathe? If single can you rally your support network to give you a break every couple of days (just for an hour or so but would be helpful). Use TV when necessary to get her to snuggle on sofa so you can have a cuppa and switch brain off.

It will get better but in the meantime I know it is hard so hang in there.

I've worked with several adoptive parents at my sling library - if you drop me a message I can arrange either a local library to contact you, or a postal hire from my library's stock.

Thank you for reply. I didn’t attribute it to the fact that she’s adopted. I imagined that lots of babies were like this but maybe not.
We tried a sling but it doesn’t work either plus she’s two stone and my back isn’t great. She won’t cuddle with us on the sofa unless it’s bed time and even then she’s off and on. She’s a really switched on baby and very determined to get her own way. She’ll only do what she wants to do which is amusing! But I don’t want her thinking she’s the boss

She’s a really switched on baby and very determined to get her own way.

You really do need to give consideration to her being adopted and the amount of disruption she’s experienced in her short life. She literally doesn’t have the cognitive ability to “want her own way”, she will do whatever she needs to get her needs met. Previous poster is right in thinking of Bering being a good 9-12 months younger than her chronological age - she needs lots of reassurance, lots of physical comfort and lots of being held. She basically is the boss at the moment in the same way tiny babies are the boss, their needs come first, her needs just come in a bigger package. The time you take now to build safety and security will pay dividends as she grows.

It’s hard just now but she really needs what she needs.

@notyourmummy might come back to you re sling. Not sure what sling you have tried but with the right carrier you should still be able to fairly comfortably carrier much heavier than that. Advice from a sling consultant may pay dividends.

My little boy is still like this and he's just over 18 months.
Nightmare but they grow out of it

I'd agree with other posters. My son was nearly 8 when he arrived home. He quite happily went to school but the minute he got home he was Limpet Boy. He needed constant cuddling, wanted to be carried to bed which I just couldnt do, once he even sellotaped our legs together. He is 15 now and still needs huge amounts of physical as well as verbal reassurance from me,

My social workers and health visitors told me in the beginning (first 2 months) that we were ‘making rods for our own backs’ And to stop it so the replies have confused me now!
Maybe I’ve explained it wrong as it’s hard to write what she’s like. It’s doesn’t appear to be affection that she’s looking for as I give her so much of that even when she doesn’t want it and I know the difference when she wants a cuddle. She just demands to be up and tells me to take her room to room etc. Even when I’m using the toilet she wants to come up to press the chain! I’ll figure it out but thanks again.

I agree with the others that she needs the physical closeness - unfortunately SWs and HVs do not necessarily know much about parenting a child with complex trauma. Meeting her needs is the opposite of 'making a rod', rather it is building the foundations now that will help forestall future (bigger) problems.

And it’s not just me... it’s with everyone! My parents, friends. It’s whoever is standing up when they’re with mre

@Tocka it does sound like a trip to your local sling library might help, the right carrier should work for you both - I regularly support people to carry much older and heavier children. As for making a rod for your own back, I completely disagree. Children of this age need to feel secure, even more so with a difficult backstory. You can't hold, carry, kiss or tell a child you love them too much.

Hi, so I've read through a couple of times, have I understood this right? She is wanting to be picked up by whoever / anyone and ferried around? And it doesn't feel like when she wants affection. And it feels kind of overwhelming / bossy / suffocating behaviour?

I would also suggest you join the therapeutic parenting Facebook page m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=282656625231161&ref=content_filter
It is hugely informative as to early trauma and attachment. I truly believe your child is attachment seeking. Do take on board all the good advice that has already been given.

The Hippychick hipseat carrier is brilliant for toddlers who want to be up and down a lot.

I must admit your last couple of posts have confused me

The “making a rod for your own back” is utter nonsense, an old fashioned way of parenting children and not at all trauma informed. Give your child what she needs.

My gut says your LO is being hyper vigilant and does not yet feel safe in her new home. She is worried that you will one day disappear like all her previous parents have.

If you can't carry her for whatever reason, stop what you're doing, go down on her level and hug her for at least 20 seconds. Explain she's safe and you love her and why you can't carry her. If you're having a drink, get her one at the same time. Include her in what you're doing (much easier said than done I know). Children are clingy when they are insecure and fighting clingy just makes it worse.

Also consistency and routine are key and try to use PACE (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy) as much as possible

Also my hubby has always had her for an hour after tea for daddy/daughter time to give me a break which helps enormously

Hmmm..sounds adoption related to me. A mix of her being hyper vigilant, instinctively trying to control as a survival instinct and clinging on to you as she's terrified you'll disappear. I think that shifting your own thinking, remembering she's not even been home a year and that she's just a frightened little baby still, would help ease your frustration.

I know it's not easy and can feel stifling. Just wait until she's 7 and still doing it

She basically wants to be up and carried around. If I’m sat down and dad or grandparents are standing she’ll ask to go up to then and points and says different things eg fridge, names people in photos, goes to the (healthy) treat cupboard and asks for something. If they sit down with her and I stand up she does the same. She doesn’t like being sat down. She’s very bossy which I love about her. She won’t do anything she doesn’t want to do however lots of babies are like this!
She likes affection and gives kisses etc. She won’t go to anyone. Only people she’s known for the 7 months we’ve had her. Hope that makes sense.

I’ll try a sling but I can’t see that working as she doesn’t like being restricted! Will give it a go again.
Hates the car seat, high chair and pram! I’ve had to buy a booster seat for the table which seems to have worked and she doesn’t get too agitated in it. I Haven’t yet cracked the car or pram.

Could it be a combination of hypervigilance (wanting to be able to see the whole space) and trying to control whether someone might be leaving her? Either way I would be inclined to view it as attachment-seeking, and do lots of reassurance. I'd try lots of narrating what you, and others, are doing. This is tedious and tiring (sorry!) but incredibly effective. Sometimes called descriptive commenting. "I see you want to come too, I wonder if you are worried about what's happening. Let's go together holding hands, and we will both get a drink then come back. I see you want to be lifted up. I can't lift you this time but I hear you, and I see you, and you are not forgotten." You don't always have to do the lifting up, but I'd try and connect every time she asks - that might be a stroke of her head, a hand hold, a verbal reassurance, whatever usually works well for her.

Getting opportunities for prolonging the physical connection with children who don't enjoy being restricted needs a bit of ingenuity - swimming or baths/showers are good, theraplay games are excellent (Adoption UK has a great guide to these), Caro Archer has lovely game/play suggestions in "Parenting the child who hurts". Put something well-worn of yours into her bed? We had a giant "cuddle t shirt" DD could actually get inside when I was wearing it. Building a small den and wriggling inside together is also good (v simple, just chairs and blankets will do).

Finally, in case it's anxiety-driven, have you tried a simple picture schedule up so she knows what's happening each day? I'm wondering if it's the unstructured time that unsettles her (maybe why she's better when you're out?) so a visual timetable might help. You could buy one, or make one together cutting out pictures for meals / things you often do, using photos of home / car / garden etc.

I feel like I've thrown out a hundred options - sorry! I hope something might be helpful.

Our two were like this but slightly older at placement (2 and 3)- both wanted to be carried around, fed etc. Our youngest in particular would drag people from room to room to fetch things and did initially do this with everyone. I carried him as much as I physically could, fed them as much as I could etc and then gradually on their terms it reduced then stopped. I think it was a way of feeling safe and secure- if I was carrying him around I couldn’t go anywhere and they desperately needed connection and attachment. Doesn’t make it easy though- I had to really teach them to sit and play; we would only manage 5 minutes to start with. How is she outside in the garden? Mine were always (and still are!) a lot easier and able to play outside!

My baby was like this until very recently (she's 20 months). She's not adopted and hopefully hasn't experienced trauma! She's also extremely social too.

My grandson (25 months and very heavy) still does this a lot as well. Wants to be carried around and points/shouts where he wants to go. It's exhausting. He does it to everyone, but particularly his mum, if she is trying to talk to someone else. It's irritating but hopefully he will grow out of it soon.