Shall we mess up the sleep pattern or the attachment??

[DashOfMagic]

Hi all. We’re starting intros in a couple of weeks with a little girl 11months. She’s currently sleeping fantastically 6pm - 6am. We’re fully expecting that she is likely to regress a little and find it hard to settle or wake in the nights.

The foster carer has been great but a bit old school, she says she doesn't cuddle or read or anything when putting her to bed just puts her down then leaves and let’s her settle herself, same if she wakes up in the night. She says she cries for a short time then sleeps.

Not sure if I’d feel comfortable not comforting her when she’s upset in a strange house with new ppl, but on the other hand we don’t want to do things differently from the foster carer or mess up her great sleep pattern.

Thoughts please??

Congratulations !
Firstly you are mummy and daddy not a foster carer. Trust your instinct and focus on building your relationship. Give her a cuddle and read a story
Good luck

Hi Dash, congratulations!
We have an 8 month old with us who used to sleep 12 hours a night who currently sleeps for 2 hour bursts with a couple of hours of screaming in between each cycle . Last week he slept for an hour and a half only all night.
You may find your little one throws the routine out the window due to the trauma of the move itself so be prepared for a bit of trial and error. I would start with putting the baby down as per foster carers routine but sitting next to the cot soothing them and cuddling if they get distressed and reading to them as part of the general getting ready for bed routine.

good luck with your little one

I’m going to offer a bit of hope! Our DS came hole at 8 months. He had slept 7-7 (without waking at all) since 12 weeks and I was convinced this would all fall apart when he came home. It didn’t. He continued to sleep solidly through the night as usual (and we also put him to bed awake). The first time he woke in the night was after he turned two (so well over a year after he had arrived) and we were so confused we had absolutely no idea what to do - we were completely clueless! His sleeping a generally still good though he does wake occasionally.

However, to answer your question, I always provide comfort if he cries, no matter where, when or why it is. Our children need to learn that we will respond to their needs, that we are their safe place, and I think this is one of the best ways to demonstrating this. Your LO may well regress and if they do, see if as a positive as it allows you provide nurture when they need it, and for you both to develop your bond.

Good luck! Be kind to yourself though, intros can be really tough emotionally, even if you have an ‘easy’ baby as we did. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and take each day as it comes. It’s all worth it on the end.

@comehomemax

These are for you, it sounds like you need them! I hope your LO’s sleep improves soon.

Thanks - we hope so too!

Our little one came to us 4 weeks ago on exactly the same schedule and the same bedtime routine ie put him down, leave him 10 mins, if he hasn’t settled, put his little music/light thing on. No pre-bed cuddles, no story etc. We have stuck to that exactly - we wouldn’t have dreamed of upsetting that routine - it’s what he’s used to, he gets a good night’s sleep and the ability to self soothe is (from what I understand) really valuable. We have had enormous opportunities to bond with him and create attachments during his waking hours. That said, we will gradually switch to more of a bath-cuddle-story-bed routine eventually because it’s what we’d prefer but for now we’ve stuck to the FCs way of doing things in most areas - why create more unfamiliarity/disruption if you don’t need to? (Disclaimer: obv if they were really distressed you’d comfort them, but our intros were v effective and he just kept to his normal routine and didn’t cry any more than usual - just a little self-soothing whinge)

When our LO first came home at 12 months she had a dummy at night and I quickly learnt not to go in straight away but to give her a few minutes to find it first as if she found it by herself she'd go back to sleep straight away but if I had to go in it could take up to 2 hours to resettle her.

I would also advise not going in straight away but pick up your video monitor first to check at the door. We also had a few instances where she woke up, cried briefly and was back to sleep by the time I got there leaving me having to go into stealth mode to get out.

We go through phases of bad sleep and last summer had to revert to leaving her cry as no matter what we did she woke up and cried the minute we left her alone.

She's always started the night in her own room but I got a cot side for our bed when it became clear she couldn't go back to sleep in her own room if she woke after 3.30 am. It meant we could both get sleep without me worrying she'd fall out. She went for months not needing to come in unless she was ill but at the moment we get maybe one or two days a fortnight that she'll sleep through in her own room, normally she's crept in to sleep with me part way through the night.

When our little on (now 9) came to us at three he went to bed in a dark room at 7.00.

Very quickly things changed and he still sleeps with the light on. Do everything, within reason, to build bonds that will become attachment and do all You can to fuel that connection, IMHO.

And CONGRATULATIONS. XXxX

What @Italiangreyhound says.

Do everything you can to let LO know that you will be there whenever they need you. It is very likely that they will 'test' you at some point by being very demanding - do everything you can to pass the test, to show you WILL be there, no matter what. Just as you would be with a very young baby.

Remember, attachment is not the emotional bond, it is trust and security. DD is very close to me emotionally, but still (nearly 10 years into our relationship) does not quite trust me/ the world.

She knows, rationally, that I have never abandoned her, that I have always met her needs, but there is a bit of her that can't quite believe it.

It drives me mad when e.g. she becomes obsessed about running out of petrol as SOON as the light begins to show. No matter how much I tell her that it warns me in plenty of time to plan to get petrol, we do not have to stop immediately, and we have never run out of petrol! She just can't quite trust that I know what I am doing...

Allington well done for meeting her needs and proving you care. It can be tough but it's worth it.

Congratulations!

When DS came to us at 2. We stuck with the FC routine which I found very clinical for the first 8 weeks

I really struggled with it. In the end I started cuddles and stories before bed he slept much better and I found it excellent bonding time.

We did have sleep issues with head banging and rocking and these are almost gone now, the extra cuddles definitely helped.

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the advice and for the congratulations very much appreciated!

Ok, I think we are going to generally stick with the FC routine (at least initially) but feel much more reassured it’s a good thing to provide cuddles and comfort if she does cry, and that later on down the line we can start to make the bedtime routine more loving/comforting.

Thanks everyone xx

Another example today - I was about an hour later than usual picking her up from after-school club.

She was convinced I had died. The staff (who have known her 5-6 years) did their best to comfort and reassure her, as did her friends, reminded her that occasionally I was late for some unexpected reason.

When I did get there she clung on to me and her heart was pounding away with stress and relief.

Needless to say, I have always picked her up before after-school club ends, even though I have been later than usual sometimes. But she can't quite believe that it will be OK...