Paternity pickle

[veejayteekay]

Hi all. Old user come back on a new username. Hope all is well. It's been a rollercoaster ride last year or so and am now in matching phase after a sad period of time where we were matched but we chose not to progress with the match due to significant issues that arose. So we are back in the saddle though feeling a bit vulnerable now.

After a short break we returned to searching and were surprised to find our interest in a little 9m boy returned very quickly. The social worker is coming out to visit us from a long way away (Wales) in 2 weeks time and we are the only family they are considering at this time.

We are really keen on this match having taken a lot of time to thoroughly read his report and ensure we feel we meet his needs. There is just one spanner in the works. My partner has a.job interview which if successful wouldmean timing wise he would be in a new job when intros begin. In his current job we would've been able to offer 1 month paternity leave but as he is new this would mean he wouldn't technically qualify because of length of service (I had no idea paternity wasn't a day one right and I work in HR!). So we will need to arrange with his new employer if successful to allow for 2ws leave (most likely unpaid) or to delay the start of his job if that makes the most sense.

My questions were has anyone found their partner or self in this situation with paternity? Was it a deal-breaker to just be able to take the standard 2ws and how did you handle the convo with your new employer? I'm thinking the simplest option may be to delay his start date but we won't know for sure until definite dates discussed if we're successful

Just don't want this to be the thing that derails it all when everything else is so positive. For context I will be the main adopter for leave purposes and will be looking to take 12-14ms adoption leave. Thanks

My DH had just statutory paternity leave, he used annual leave for intros and the first week at home and then spread his remaining fortnight across 4 weeks working 2 days and then 3 days a week. In many ways it worked well because early on he was only ever at work every other day so respite was close at hand.

I do think if you’re looking at 2 weeks unpaid leave covering intros as well as initial settling in it’s going to be hard on you all in that if intros take 10 days, you’ll only have a couple of days at home together which puts a huge stress on you to cope with the adjustment to having a little one.

Once he’s offered the job could he talk to his employer? He might find them surprisingly supportive of adoption/prepared to negotiate leave etc. Could he get a copy of their leave policy - it might be more generous that statutory leave?

Can he not just wait and start new job after?

I'd worry about it if and when he is offered the job.
I assume he wouldnt give notice until he has a formal offer in writing - that can all take a couple of weeks in itself. Hopefully be then you would have firmer timescales for intros and can decide what to do.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it. Thanks jellycat it's good to hear from someone else who wasn't able to take too long. Its a real shame as in his current role we would've been planning for longer but needs must that he changed his job as his current one is so awful and he'll be in a much happier place for us to be welcoming a little one. You make a good point about them perhaps being supportive. I think the issue is that they are a growing company and are keen to get going on establishing a team and I'm not sure they'll be wanting to take on someone who could disappear for a couple weeks at what may be a critical time. That said in my mind 2ws is not a huge length of time and he already has a v short notice period which he may waiver anyhow so it may work out he's been there a little while before he needs to take the leave. I also can't see it being an absolute deal breaker for the job but just hope they are reasonable people! I'm a little more concerned that on adoption side the agency will insist on longer. The little boy we'd been matched with before had been moved a lot of times and had significant needs and so we were looking at my partner taking a couple months off. This little boy is very different in that he was fostered straight from hospital with one stable carer and no significant issues so I am hoping they will be agreeable to shorter intros and paternity but ofcoirse I understand the priority is his needs some of which we may not know about yet. We will see. After everything we've been through and all the bigger mountains we've faced this feels like something we can negotiate. But nothings guarunteed. Out of curiosity has anyone had an under 12m baby and if so how long were allowed for intros? Our last match was 20m and would have been 10ds based on his age and needs tho I assume it would be less for this LO. Thanks again

I'm a little more concerned that on adoption side the agency will insist on longer.

In all honesty I just wouldn’t tell them. The job sounds like it’ll support a more stable family life anyway, which can only be a good thing. If they ask, say you’re looking at a variety of options depending on how the little one settles and how you both adjust as a couple to parenthood. The flexibility should be seen as a positive. Then work out the time he can take off and plan from there.