Please someone help?

[Bella19961]

Myself and my partner have recently had our 4th pregnancy loss. We have been discussing adoption as this is something I've always wanted and my partner said he would look into after we had our own. He's starting to realise that may never happen and is starting to show a interest in adoption and asking me loads of questions.. that I just don't know the answer to!

For example:

Are we even able to adopt? We are very young, I'm 22 almost 23. He is 26.

We are getting married in 18 months and wouldn't start the process untill we are.

We own our own home. My partner owns his own business and I'm in full time work.

We have a dog? Would this effect our chances?

We don't have any children.

Our family's are very supportive in whatever decision we make.

How do you get information on how to adopt?
How old do you have to be?
How old would the children be that they would consider matching us with?
If we had our own we wouldn't have a choice in children so we wouldn't want to be made to choose, would they see who we are best suited to?
How much does it cost to adopt a child?
Realistically would I need to give up my job?

What is the process like for everyone? Please I'd love to hear honest reviews.

By the time we start the process I will be almost 25 and my partner 28.

Thank you

Anyone?

Hi Bella, I'm sure others will be along soon. I'm so sorry to hear about your losses.

As far as I know, your ages shouldn't be a problem. The main thing is social workers will need to know that you are in 'the right place' and are no longer trying to conceive.

The assessment process is very thorough and there will be plenty of opportunity to talk things through with your social worker.

Having a dog: Your dog will be assessed too, for suitability of temperament.

'Choosing' a child: it's more about knowing what you can cope with and what child is appropriate for you and your situation.

I believe many Local Authorities have open evenings that prospective adopters can go to, to get an idea of what's involved.

There are plenty of books you can read up on. Hopefully someone can recommend a reading list for you.

Good luck, I hope all goes well for you xx

And I should have said, the focus is on finding a family for the child, rather than finding a child for a family IYSWIM.

I'm sorry about your lost babies, it must be very tough for you.
You need to be over 21 to adopt, although most people are much older.
Adopting a child is very different to having a birth child. You need to understand that the children who are available for adoption have had very difficult and often traumatic starts to life. Many have additional needs, such as attachment disorders, developmental delay, developmental trauma behavioural and or emotional difficulties. Many struggle at school and with life in general.
Most social workers will want the primary carer to take a year adoption leave. Many people find a return to full time work difficult. Seven years in and I still work part time.
It's not about 'choosing' a child as such, but making sure that the child finds the right family. One of the most basic decisions is whether to adopt a single child or a sibling group.
Adoption is not an easy path to follow. The process is rigorous and challenging as it should be. Some people sail through, others have a more rocky road.
My advice is to do lots of research, attend a few information evenings at LA or voluntary agencies and decide which one is a good fit for you
Good luck

@MrsMatty @Ted27

Thank you both so much for your replies. We have a couple of years to research and decide what we want to do. Do any of you have any recommendations on any documentary's, books or any other way to research it at the moment? I'm not sure if we are currently at the stage of going to one of these meetings. We would need to decide we are 100% not trying for a baby anymore and this would need to be our main focus.

I know there will be lots of challenges, I work with adults who many have come from the care setting, so I'm defo considering how difficult it can / could be.

I know it wouldn't be easy if we choose adoption but nothing that's worth it ever comes easy to us! So we are okay with that. Thank you both for your replies.

Really appreciate it xx

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your losses. My story is a bit similar to yours (although I'm 39yrs old) but we've just stopped IVF after 2 failed cycles. We discussed adoption before IVF but my husband wanted to try for a pregnancy first.
One of the first things I did when we made the decision to seriously consider adoption was to phone my local authority and just explain everything to them and ask them for advice. They were really helpful and suggested that because the process take a so long we register our interest now and they would get our names put down for the next information evening.
I had a really long chat with them about our 2 dogs and so far they have sent a form to our vets for information about the dogs health and we have had to complete a dog assessment form ourselves. We've also given them loads of photos of our dogs with visiting children and have already put measures in place to reassure them we are being sensible when it comes to dogs and children living together. The dogs are no longer allowed in bedrooms or on furniture and sleep in the kitchen with space they can go to for a break from kids.
We're looking at adopting an older sibling group (6yrs plus) and both work in schools so we aren't planning on taking the full 1 year adoption leave and out social worker is happy with that. In fact she looked at me like I was bonkers when I told her I thought one of us had to.
I've learnt loads from these forums but I think the best place to start would be call your local authority and ask them for advice. Every one is different and we all come with different circumstances so they would be the best people to put your mind at ease.
Documentaries - 15,000 kids and counting and Find Me a Family are great and both are on YouTube. I'm also obsessed with the Cathy Glass books on fostering.
Good luck. X

To be honest with the adoption leave, it's better to assume you will need more rather than less. My son was school age and I needed every day of the full year and would have liked another six months.
Don't underestimate the impact of a pair of traumatised children on you.
If things go well and you can go back to work earlier, that's great but you might find it difficult. Just be open to the possibility

One of the best resources I found in the early days was the bbc world at one podcast, the adoption. The episodes are short but it perfectly illustrates the whole process from the perspective of everyone involved. There were a few documentaries I enjoyed too which I think are still on YouTube. There is a separate thread on here somewhere with links to all the documentaries so have a look for that. In terms of reading, I have always found real life stories better than the theory type books. Emma Sutton's book and then there were four is fab.

I’d echo @Ted27 re adoption leave, we adopted two older children and I took the full year and could happily have done another 6 months.

I don’t work full time and won’t for the foreseeable future - our DC are great, they’ve coped well with all of the changes in their young lives but they need a lot of care, affection and attention. When I’m with them I need to be fully with them and it can be exhausting and very unpredictable in terms of how much they need from me. It’s not so much the physical care but the emotional energy that can be so tiring.

Adoption is a fantastic thing, my DC make me proud every single day, but assume you’ll need more time, more energy, more patience than you could imagine. If it turns out not to be the case, you won’t have lost anything but don’t plan for a quick process, smooth transition and a quick return to normality - in my experience that tends to be the exception rather than the rule.

As you do not wish too proceed for some time suggest You and Hubby engage in some work involving children , scouts, brownies, nursery., support worker., sport's clubs , lots you can be involved in in the interim and have a little fun on the way., experience working with children will help no end in the adoption process. wish you both all the best.

@fasparent

Thank you, I actually am a support worker for adults with learning disability and mental health. Some have children so I work with them too:)

My partner could probably do with some practice though so I'll keep that in mind! Xx

We were late 20s when we were approved and matched with our LO. As long as you can offer a stable and loving home. It’s good to start researching and preparing yourselves now if you are thinking about adoption in the future! Good luck

@Je123 thank you.

How old was LO when they matched you?

Do they consider your age to? I just don't want a child too old, I don't want them to think of me more as a big sister than a mum if you get me. Of course if we don't adopt untill we are considerably older then it will be fine with older children x

I'm 26 and my partner is 37.

We are not married and have no plans to be married soon and my partner is self employed and I'm in full time work, we rent a house, have no children of our own due to us both being infertile and we have a very young, very playful pup! We both have supportive families and when we decided the adoption route was the one we were going to take, we simply got touch with our local childrens services and took it from there!
All it has cost us is our medical assessment fee, £150 and I have absolutely no intention of giving up my job but will of course take off the adoption leave I'm entitled to.....and we were approved this week!

The process, for us, has felt long, drawn out, invasive, intrusive and some parts completely unnecessary....how we have persevered, our social worker has been amazing and hearing them say we have been approved has made the last 8 months so so worth it.
Its stressful, alot of work, alot of focus and a lot of determination but believe me, it's worth it