Am I being realistic?

[Afrogisjumpy]

I’ve always wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember but I’ve been lucky to have been able to fall pregnant and have children via that route. I’m currently pregnant with DC2 so adoption is a while off but I’m just doing some research on whether it’s an option for us going down that route. I have many questions!

1. we will have DC1 & DC2 when we do go through the process. Are we “taking away” a child from a family with no children if we are approved to adopt
2. would a 2 year age gap be OK or is this too small
3. we will have a spare bedroom so I assume that a spare room is still a requirement?
4. we would want to adopt a baby. We are open minded and would want to adopt a baby with mild disabilities or a baby exposed to drugs/alcohol in the womb

Am I being unrealistic? What else do we need to know?

Apologies I am aware that this is all waffle!

1. They try to find the best family for the child. So if the SWs think you are a 'better' match than a family with no children then you are doing right by that child.
2. 2 years is generally the minimum gap. If you are thinking of a high needs baby then you might be better off with a larger gap.
3. Yes the adopted child usually needs to have their own room.
4. With a young baby there could be quite a large uncertainty wrt future development, especially with alcohol/drugs in the mix. You would need to think hard about the impact that could have on your existing children.

Best wishes.

1. No. There are more children waiting to be adopted at the moment than there are prospective adoptive parents.
2. Probably too small. A lot of children up for adoption will have to be the youngest family member by far.
3. Yes, you will have to prove that the child will have his or her own bedroom.
4. Think hard about this. Alcohol can have devastating effects on an unborn child, possibly leading to lifelong difficulties/disabilities. Other drugs cause much less harm.

Good luck with your plans, adoption is a fantastic and very rewarding thing to do!

Are we “taking away” a child from a family with no children if we are approved to adopt

What Sanders and Texaco said. It is absolutely about the needs of the child. If you can be parents to a child that needs them then its a fab thing to do.

would a 2 year age gap be OK or is this too small

I would plan on a larger gap. 2 kids are harder than 1 and you want to make sure you are able to devote plenty of energy and resources to all your kids. I'm sure you know that there is greater risk of challenge and need for adopted kids- adopting a baby may reduce that risk but it also increases uncertainty.

Put your own kids first and don't take on too much but, when you are ready, all that experience will be invaluable.

Alcohol can have devastating effects on an unborn child, possibly leading to lifelong difficulties/disabilities.

Indeed, but it can also have no provable effect. Most adopted babies have some risk of FASD (whether known or not), you can never be sure. I would not let this put you off but just go in with eyes open to the worst case scenario.

Sooooo, I might be feeling a teensy bit oversensitive at the moment (in fact, I know I am, generally) but those of us who’ve had children through adoption also consider ourselves lucky.

@Rainatnight - I didn’t mean to offend. I hope to be lucky enough to get to adopt as well!

We started the process when DC2 wasn't quite 2 years old. I did have to ring round quite a few places to find somewhere that would take us on as he was so young. He'll be turning 3 around the time DC3 is placed with us there will.be a 2.5 year age gap between him and the baby.

Thanks @Afrogisjumpy

How was the process for the family?

Assuming you meant to tag me and not yourself process has been fine for our kids except the 4 year old constantly asking if SW is bringing a baby with her on every visit

Oh that was a fail 🤦‍♀️ Yes I meant to tag you @roomformore

Aw that’s really cute! How long did the process take for you? Just so I have an idea although I’ve got ages yet I know

By the time we have the baby living with us, it will have been just over a year. We were at approval panel in under 4 months, so really quick. But we are aware we are lucky in that respect and some families have to wait a lot longer.

It's hard because lots of people expect it to take years, and it really doesn't always! But equally sometimes it does take a long time. You just don't always know what kind of 'journey' you're in for.

Do you mind if I ask op what is your motivation for wanting to adopt a child exposed to alcohol/drugs in the womb?
That is what my daughter experienced in the womb, a cocktail of drugs and alcohol and she has now quite significant behavioural and sensory difficulties and is likely to get an adhd diagnosis. I also have a birth child and although she is 10 years older it has had massive impact on her, to the point where she can't even do homework in the house and she will be doing her GCSEs soon. I would think very hard about the impact on your existing children, especially with such a small age gap as you will encounter challenges different to parenting a birth child. I don't mean to be negative but I wish someone including social workers had been honest with me about what I was likely to be in for from the start.

Make sure you take the needs of your bc into account.

Your decision to adopt will impact on them. It might completely transform their childhood - for the worse. They may be left with responsibility for your adopted special needs child and (any children born to that they adopted child) long after you and your partner are dead.

I was adopted into a family with a birth son ( at the time when children were placed for adoption because they had been conceived out of wedlock). I turned out to be fairly ‘normal’. But my adoptive parents went on to adopt other children who went on to have significant behavioural problems (drink, drugs, violence etc). They now have dysfunctional families of their own.

My adoptive parents birth ds has little contact with his parents and bitterly resents their decision to adopt which he sees as having wrecked his childhood. I find myself trying to pick up the pieces.

As an adoptee I have been programmed to express gratitude for having been rescued. But actually I see my adoptive parents decision to adopt further children as a major mistake. They never for a moment considered the needs of their bs or my needs. And they never thought beyond the baby stage. And when my adoptive mother does her Mother Teresa of Calcutta act I can barely contain my anger.