Disheartened

[wonderinglill]

Hi I've come for a grumble and a moan. We've expressed interest in a sibling group of 2 and everything seemed to be going well. We had the childrens reports and read them thoroughly. Nothing jumped out as an issue. We are very realistic and know no child placed with us will be able able to slot in over night.

There are so many outdated, inconsistencies in the reports and we've raised concerns about this. Our social worker who completed our assessment, PAR and got us though panel has left and we now have a new social worker. Family finder, our SW and childrens SW have decided that we need to meet with the childrens social worker before a matching meeting can take place so we can find out more about the children. This is fine, we happily agree to this however everything is very negative. These things take time, there will be numerous meetings and these meetings will take a while to plan. We've asked why and got nothing back. As far as we are aware there are not medical issues and surely we should of been made aware by now. We understand there is always a risk of further issues withing adoption placement and are very realistic whilst discussing this. What we don't understand is why we are suddenly feeling like we are not getting the full picture? The reports were eye opening in the sense they are a year out of date. No update and we found there was more information on LM. All we are getting is its important that we take this slow etc. Nothing positive to grab on to and it seems our SW doesn't think its a good match. Our old SW thought it was a great match. She knew us and had spoken to the child's SW. Everything was going fine but now there's all uncertainty and stepping slow.

We don't want to get our hopes up on these children to get knocked back, I don't understand what information that needs to be relayed has to be done over a "few meetings".

Has anyone else come across this?

Everything was so positive now I'm considering throwing in the towel. We understand it was always going to be long, making sure it's right match etc but surely we should have had all the bad information by now? How do you make a decision when all the info you have is out dated, staggered and the people you need in your corner don't seem to have the same views.

I suppose until we meet the childs SW we are in limbo. I need to get used to the sleepless nights, it's been over 2 weeks and still no meeting set.

We didn't expect this after the fantastic feeling at panel. We thought it would be all up hill from here. How wrong were we 😢

If it is not meant to be, it is not meant to be.

I found matching to be way harder than I thought it would be (tbh I handn't given it too much thought during stage 2).

Lots of enquiries went nowhere.

From the initial link to introductions took us just over 5 months all down bureaucracy and delays. In order to get through panel there were various hops we had to jump through as the social workers said if we didn't do those things then panel would simply adjourn their decision until we had. It's very frustrating

In fairness that would be the usual process where I am. Paper information followed by meeting the children’s SW and team leader, meeting the children’s SW and foster carers, meeting the children’s paediatrician and in our case Ed Psych all before matching panel.

The information is detailed and often complex, everyone involved will want to be clear you’re going into it with your eyes wide open, if the info you have is a year old there will be updates in terms of how the children are now, any developments in their birth family etc etc. It’s a lengthy process and I too found it much harder than I thought I would.

Be patient, if these are the children for you, more exploration will stand you in good stead.

Thanks for the advise guys. What I'm frustrated with is they are saying it will take time but no update at all. All seems straight forward and information is not accurate to what they are saying. We know it will be long and we need to make sure it's right but in order for us to keep our hopes up we need to make sure there's hope. Instead everything is very negative. We want these children however SW wants numerous meetings before a match is considered. I don't see the reason for this. Foster parent meetings etc I should imagine would come after the matching meeting is that correct? We have no problem having the meetings just wish we weren't going into everything blind. Old SW done loads before she left, all positive and now thee seems no profess xx

I think you may be misunderstanding the process a bit. At the moment you have a link to these children, they are a potential match.
I don't know how you can be so sure when you have so little information.Don't forget this is not your decision. You haven't even met the children's SW yet. S/he may feel you are not a suitable match.
You aren't going into anything blind at this point. All these meetings are to ensure that doesn't happen and that you don't get matched until everyone is sure that it's right, that you have all the information, that the children's SW wants you over other potential matches.
Meeting the SW and FC particularly will bring these children to life for you, you can ask questions, get answers and be in a much better position to decide if they are right for you.
Yes it's slow the school holidays have started. Don't forget SWs and FCs are real people with their own families - it's not a great time of year to get all this sorted..You do need to be patient- -if its right you will get there

Sorry I don't understand what you mean. In order to get a matching meeting we have to have numerous meetings? Is that what you have done? I'm sorry it seems that we don't have enough information to make a decision at this point but I'm sure you would also be slightly concerned if you had been given conflicting information. In order for us to make an informed decision we need to make sure we are all on the same page. Numerous meetings will get us that however it is kind of being led on aswell. I look at these posts daily and have taken Alot from them in how maybe the process will go. None have indicated the way our journey has gone. The reason for this post was so that we can see if anyone else has experienced a door shut before it even started. Maybe this was the wrong place for that

I really don't understand why you think the door has been shut. Of course you don't have enough information, thats what the information is for. They can't just hand out vast amounts of confidential information about children to anyone who asks. You are being invited to have the meetings because they see you as a serious prospect for these children.
This is how it works.

You have seen children you are interested in - you have initial information, you are still interested but you need to know more. The children's SW comes to visit you, she decides if you are a potential match for her children. If so, there are other meetings, you get more information. If you are all happy then you are matched.
All these meetings are to give the opportunity to ask the questions. You arent being led on, its an information gathering phase.
And yes this is what happened for me and every other adopter I know.

But the door isn't shut is it ? It sounds like they are not in a position to decide whether this is a good match or not and want to get more info and give you the opportunity to learn more before progressing things.
That is fairly normal really and the system is endlessly frustrating but you have no choice other than to carry on if you want to hopefully bring these children home .
Don't throw the towel in at this stage . You are on the home stretch and if these children are not right for you then you will find the right ones in time.
I know it is v hard but it will be worth it in the end . X

@Ted . Cross posted with you . You put it much better than me.

We had the following:

1. meeting with our SW to be given the initial paperwork
2. Meeting with our SW, child's SW and the family finder
3. Phone call confirming they wanted to pursue the link and asking for more information about our PAR
4. Child's SW and family finder had an in-house meeting to write up a report about pursuing the link to matching panel
5. Meeting with child's paediatrician to discuss medical history (delayed due to holidays)
6. Meeting with FCs to ask them questions
7. Between 5-6 several emails and phone calls asking more questions as they prepared reports for panel plus meetings with our SW to further prepare for panel
8. Wait for our LO to see a paediatrician for a checkup
9. Wait for report from paediatrician regarding the checkup.

10. Struggle to find a panel date that was free. 11. 2 week wait between matching panel and introductions.

Lots of the delays arose because our SW and the child's SW often had conflicting diaries.

@ifchocolatewerecelery pretty much sums up our route too!

What we don't understand is why we are suddenly feeling like we are not getting the full picture?
Possibly because you don’t have the full picture - at matching they are literally making the decision that these will be your children so at that point you need to be sure you have a good sense of what their needs are and the professionals need to be as sure as they can be that you’re able to meet those needs. You can’t possibly know that from a paper report that’s a year old.

The child’s social worker will know so much about how the children have coped with their life experiences, their journey to this point, the foster carers know what they need day to day, the paediatrician will know about the past and projected health concerns, they’ll have possibly information about family health concerns etc that you shouldn’t have access to at the moment.

The process does take time, getting everyone in one place over summer is a real juggle, but I can’t see why you think the door is shut. They will have information you don’t have, of course they will because they know the children and you don’t yet.

It’s really hard but try to see the process for what it is, a way of making the best match possible for you and the children, your wishes and wants are only a small (but important) part of the process.

@ifchocolatewerecelery thank you so much for your reply. That's what I was hoping for. We are at the first stage of your steps and have been told will need a lot of meetings to get to stage 2. That's what we are struggling with. We really appreciate all that broken down, we expect delays and numerous meetings would just like more information on what these extra meetings will be for. Again I appreciate your response xx

I appreciate all your replies and feedback. As I have said above we understand we will get Alot more information to make sure the match is right and we are not rushing into anything. All reports have been read, child's social worker want's to meet us and we have had initial meeting with our SW and numerous emails back and forth. We just want the 2nd meeting to get more information. We are a small part but just as important in the sense we should be presented with important information sooner rather than later. I've tried to explain as much as I can without going into to much detail. I am not the first person to have a grumble on here and ask for a little nudge in the right direction and I won't be the last but I think I'd think twice about asking again. Luckily not everyone is still at the stage we are at and have over come this stage. I have my reasons for being apprehensive and thought my first post was clear in the sense that the frustration is the delays and not getting correct info (that I have challenged) but it seems that's not the case. X

Oh please don't think anyone is having a go at you. We are trying to show you that what you are wading through is pretty normal and we get how frustrating it is.
You did mention throwing the towel in in your first post ( that would be total madness at this stage ) which I can sympathise with as I often felt like you with the endless bureaucracy and emails , meetings etc but it is so worth it in the end. Hang in there and soon enough you will be a family . Best of luck x

Matching is a bloody nightmare. Assessment seems so structured and predictable (or at least it’s meant to), whereas matching is like being on a rollercoaster. That’s broken. And has no seatbelts.

Good luck OP

Thanks for your replies. We were right. We should never have been given a meeting with the child's social worker because they information we had been given was outdated and the SW etc didn't think keeping the siblings group together was the best idea. We were informed of that right at the start of the meeting. We knew something was not right and our SW decided it wasn't fair for us to continue with so much uncertainty. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

We're awaiting a meeting with a SW for 1 child who is Alot younger and after having all the information we had the first time around this potential match definitely feels more right. Xx

Hope all progresses more smoothly with this match. Matching is such a hard part of the process, but it sounds like your SW considers you a good prospect, to have another potential match so quickly. Hang in there.

@EightWellies thank you. Xx

Hang in there. Our first link fell through and it's really hard. We were eventually successfully linked and matched and our LO has been home 2 years now.

I am one week into intros, and, tbh, I have forgotten everything about the process that happened before meeting LO four days ago!

I now think everything happens for a reason. If my 'journey' hadn't been so slow, then we wouldn't have met this LO who is so right for our family.

Keep going, OP, you will get there.

@wonderinglill hope things are going well.