Considering Adoption

[1CantPickAName]

Hi,

I have always thought that at some point in my life I would like to make a difference to a child’s life through fostering or adoption. I am a self employed childminder so fostering is not an option so I am giving some serious consideration to adoption.

I am single with 2 dds, 7 & 12. We live comfortable lives, financially and we are a normal, well adjusted family (if I do say so myself!).
I am attending a local authority adoption advice event this week to get more information on what’s involved. I haven’t told anyone but my oldest dd and I did have a conversation recently about adopting a child and how we could be a family and a home for a child who needed one (I’m not sure how the conversation started and it hasn’t come up since).

Some positives I have come up with are:

• the 3 of us could offer a loving and supportive home for a child
• if I start the process now and it takes on average 3 years, then my dd will be 10 & 15, independent enough so that I could support and nurture a child that needed it
• we live in a 3 bed house, so plenty of room
• I was thinking that a child of girl 7+ would be a good fit (is an age and gender something that an adopter can state or request)
• although I have no family living in this country, I have a strong support network of friends that I am very close to. Some I have known for 30+ years

Some negatives that I have come up with:

• I am 42, self employed and single with 2 bc, am I suitable/would I even be considered?
• I couldn’t take a child with additional needs (I would take a child from an abusive background, I strongly believe in therapy and would pay for any child to have whatever they needed)
• I am finding parenting my 2dds relatively easy as I coparent closely with their dad. We have been separated for 3 years and I wouldn’t expect him to help me parent a child that wasn’t his, but I worry that I wouldn’t be as good a parent without his support
• my 2dd see there dad a couple of times a week and usually stay at his once a week. How would a new addition to the family feel about this? I worry it might be a form of rejection?

What have I not thought about?

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Being 42, single, self employed and having birth children do not in themselves rule you out of adoption, but a few things jump out at me from your post which you probably need to give some thought to.

Nearly all children looking for new families come from an abusive background of some sort. This can bring with it a whole host of 'additional' needs - attachment disorders, emotional and behaviourial difficulties, developmental trauma etc. Children may also have more traditional additional needs.
My son for example has ASD and a learning difficulty - to be honest these are the least of our worries, he is doing well in mainstream school, is a fairly ordinary stroppy, love sick teenager. Taking him through two years of theraputic life story work however nearly finished me off. His adoption related additional needs take far more out of me than the ASD.
I'm not sure child minding is necessarily an easy job to combine with adoption - how would you manage taking a child to therapy, or appointments with school, social workers etc. You would also need to think about how an adopted child would feel about you giving time and attention to other, probably younger children.
Many SWs would be looking for you to have a years adoption leave - can you afford that?
I think you are right to be concerned about how an adopted child would feel about your birth children going off to their dads. On the one hand it would give you time alone together, but if they had lots of treats, holidays etc that they were excluded from it could be hard.
I'd also think very hard about the potential impact on your birth children of bringing a child with a trauma background into your family, it can be very hard on them.
My son was 7 when he came home. It was no picnic
I think there is a lot for you to think through. Good luck

Thank you for your reply @Ted27, there are some points there that I hadn’t considered. Lots of food for thought