When mum might get baby back

[Antecedent]

So despite being distracted by other threads, I joined today (I lurk here all the time) to ask this as I often read the adoption threads here to inform my midwifery practice. This is something I want to know personally though - not professionally. It baffles me.

I have a friend who has a child (aged around 1 year) on the path to adoption but things have unexpectedly changed - firstly, the child was diagnosed with a medical issue which cleared up some suspicions of neglect/abuse and she also left a toxic situation. This has happened relatively late in the process - I think from my limited understanding of the ins and outs of this process, it has happened at a time when the process is rarely halted or reversed. I know her social worker person said she's only read about this happening but never heard of it in her professional life - even through a colleague. She hasn't got her child back but she has good grounds to fight the case.

The people who currently have the child were seeking to adopt them and have now been told that this is unlikely to go through because I think everyone has been at least informally told that mum will at least have visitation rights so adoption is probably off the cards though the child might remain in foster care. They (especially the prospective adoptive mother) are livid and are doing what they can to aggressively challenge this (doesn't seem like they can do much tbh). But they are making their views very clear with certain actions.

I don't understand this. My assumption would be that you would want the child you have adopted to be genuinely at risk of serious harm with their birth parents who are people who either can't or don't want to raise them in a healthy way. I feel like I'd want this a lot. It would be paramount for me. Of course, I've never seriously considered or attempted fostering or adoption - and it isn't my only route to parenthood like it might be for many who do seek to foster or adopt.

I genuinely want to understand why she is so angry at my friend for pushing this? Of course most people would fight tooth and nail for their child - especially if they feel the judgement is unfair or inaccurate.

It's really fed into my friend's negative views of the fostering/adoption system and social services which she partly has because of her own experiences as a "looked after child".

I'd like to offer her perspectives from people who might be able to empathise with the foster mother.

This point in the process is usually the final point in a very long road for adoptive parents. This child was placed with them and they took her to their hearts, you just need to read some of the “newly placed” threads to get a sense of how hard the early weeks and months are, and how much resilience you need to parent a child in these circumstances.

The adoptive parent will have breathed a sigh of relief, felt like their family was complete and invested hugely in this little one and now it sounds like - at a very late stage - the rug has been pulled from under them. You honestly can’t see why they would be livid?

I don’t know how I would have coped if my adoption fell through at the last minute, livid wouldn’t even touch it.

It’s perfectly reasonable for you to want to support your friend, but my goodness those poor adopters deserve sympathy too.

The adoptive parent will also have seen at first hand the impact of your friends poor parenting on this child - and the parenting would have been poor for her child to be removed permanently, regardless of how your friend frames it.

The adoptive parent will have worked hard to repair screwed up attachment patterns, to support the child through the trauma of being moved from her birth home etc, so to see a child being returned to the same person will be incredibly difficult. I’m not saying that all birth parents are bad people, not at all, but their inability to parent has life long effects on their children.

When you’re the person who has been picking up the pieces, of course you’d be angry.

Not so unusual with todays medical technology , Genetics , Bone density scans , Historic conditions no longer understood such as TB which would mentally drain a Post maternal mum, takes years too recover from ., child would require care may be until mum is able to care for child., have experienced these, most with good outcomes.

Oh wow, what a horrible outcome for the adopters. Whilst ideally the best place for any child is with birth parents this little girl has spent the last year with two parents who have grown to love her and been through the wringer.

I speak from a birth parents perspective, no way in hell would uproot my daughters and unsettle them after all this time. It wouldn't be fair to them, no matter how much pain it would cause me.

Yeah, my sympathy is with the adopters and the poor little girl who is going to be moved again.

I agree with dark river. What a sad situation all round. I'm an adopter and this is the stuff of nightmares. The child they love and cherish is going to be taken from them...for what? A life in foster care so that the birth mum gets contact? Poor child.

Coming in here from another perspective. Is it possible that this was a foster to adopt placement of concurrent placement? OP you probably don’t know this. However, it is not unusual in some area of the UK for a child to be a year plus in care (foster care or concurrent placement) before returning home to birth family (parents or kinship).

People are right in saying it is the stuff of nightmares for adopters going down the traditional route. If a child is placed after a placement order (freeing order in some areas) then the assumption/expectation is that adoption will follow. However, many young children are now being placed at a much earlier stage with adopters who are also approved to foster in the early days following placement because the courts have still not made decisions regarding the child’s long term permanency. Birth family will not completely have been ruled out. The adopters know the risks that the child may not remain with them. Now if the child returns the grief for the adopters is still real because they will have fallen in love with the child but it would be hoped at they will be supported to accept that this is in the best interest of the child.

I think if this is a foster to adopt case it is unfair for the foster family (at this stage as it would be assumed that there is no placement order the family are still a foster family) to fight this. They should be supporting the decision and helping to ensure a strong re-habilitation plan is in place for the child’s best interest. They will still grieve, and sometimes that might come out in anger because they are loosing a very much loved child who they hoped would be their forever child. I have been in this situation and believe me the pain is real but I also got to the point that I realised that if the child stayed with me I could have not said with absolute certainty as she grew up that her BM could not have kept her safe. I was actually very proud of BM achievements and continue to be 4 years on.

HOWEVER, if this has been a traditional adoption case and the child was placed following a placement order from the courts, which basically means a judge believes that birth family can not make necessary changes in the child’s timeframe to allow them to care for the child and so adoption is the best plan, then the adopters will have been expecting adoption from day one. They did not buy into the foster to adopt system, probably because of the risk of this very situation, then as others have said put yourself in their shoes. Of course they are angry and upset. They love the child like they gave birth to it and will fight for it all the way just like a BP.

The system in England and Wales changed years ago from freeing orders to placement orders. When freeing orders were issued prior to a child being placed this meant that at point of placement the BP’s had already lost their parental responsibility for the child. There was no way or appealing and when the child was placed the adoption order would automatically follow providing the match was right. Now when an adoption order is applied for by the adoptive parents following placement Birth Parents have a right to apply for leave to appeal if they feel their circumstance have changed dramatically since the placement order was made. This does create a level of anxiety for the adopters as many do apply for leave for appeal but rarely (think there has been only one or two cases) that this has been successful and a placement order has been revoked. The one case that I am aware of involved an unknown birth father turning up and proving to be a fit parent. Many adopters will say that they are glad the birth parents made the effort to appeal as they will be able to reassure their children growing up that the Birth family made an effort and tried to fight for them even though their life circumstances meant that they were unable to do it.

Sorry this has been so long but I hope it helps you understand the adoption situation in our country to allow you to put yourselves in the shoes of both parties. I hope your friend gets the support she needs to accept or fight the situation for best interest of the child.

I don't understand this. My assumption would be that you would want the child you have adopted to be genuinely at risk of serious harm with their birth parents who are people who either can't or don't want to raise them in a healthy way. I feel like I'd want this a lot. It would be paramount for me

They took the child on at a time when the child was at risk. They have looked after them for a whole year. You really don't understand why they would fight to keep them? Really?

Several aspects of this post don't ring true for me.

OP's behaviour on other threads is abusive and threatening.

Don't spend too much energy on this one folk.