Feeling slightly unsure after stage 1 visit

[FilthyforFirth]

Hello, we had our first stage 1 visit last week and it has left me feeling a bit deflated.

The SW seemed a lot more negative than the pre stage visit one. It also seems like we have to completely change our house, even though we have our 2 y/o DS living here. Silly things like, the rug and his play mat downstairs are trip hazards, we can't have sofas underneath the window. Well we have really hard wooden floors so the rug is to help, especially when DS was learning to walk. The living room is a decent size, but there isnt space to change where the sofas are and the windows have locks.

This is all new to us so maybe it is supposed to be really negative to weed out those who arent serious. But I feel uneasy about changing my whole house, which works for our current son.

I think I thought I would feel excited and raring to go, but instead I am left feeling a bit, not sure...

Does this sound like adoption isnt for us? I dont mind honest responses!

No doesnt sound harsh at all Ted. I started this thread as I was unsure if adoption was for us. No shame in admitting it isn't for everyone. I think I am quite a strong person, but I am also very impatient and I dont think that bodes well for the future if we continue.

We may well look into other agencies, but for reaons I cant articulate, I was very uneasy about using anyone but the council really.

We went with the council, (now merged into larger groups).
I am 47, and DW is 45, and we have been matched with a 7 y/o.
Has taken us two years (nearly), so, at 34, I think you can always come back to this in the future if you want.

Good luck whatever you end up doing!

Me and my first social worker, lets just say we did not bring out the best in each other. This is the SW who berated me for me not completing the parts of the Heath and Safety assessment relating to cars, garden ponds and safe storage of garden equipment such as lawnmowers.

Why did I not do this ? Well probably because I don't drive so have no car, and at the time a paved garden so no garden pond and no lawnmower.
The point is that like the rest of the population, some SWs can be idiots. Its important that you get on with your social worker. Try another council

@FilthyforFirth honestly I would take time out and try again in 6 months. Unfortunately it's the brutally honest people who suffer the knock backs. Everything was plain sailing for me but some of the process I found frustrating in the sense I give to much and the most pointless things were picked on. Please dont give up. I know it's probably really difficult thinking they will put obstacles up at every opportunity but just smile and do it. I've recently been approved, unlike you we don't have birth children as can't naturally so this was last resort for us but the feeling I had when we were approved made all the frustration, tears and hissy fits worth it. Sending you lots of love xxx

Thanks for your lovely message @Ladyg89. So happy to hear you've been approved. I hope you get matched with your LO soon!

I've had some time to think and talk to DH. Ultimately, I dont think adoption is for us. I han't realised the impact on our existing child. Adopted children, quite rightly, need specific therapeutic parenting which is not how we currently parent our DS. I think it would be confusing and complex to parent the children differently.

I am sad as I have been keen on adoption for most of my life. I just think, for us, it is too hard already having a child and feeling quite set in what works for him.

Lots of luck to all on this thread on your journeys

Well done OP on coming to a considered decision- and a very selfless one.
You're thinking about what an adopted child would need in terms of therapeutic parenting - and it's a sign that you would actually be an ace adoptive parent.
Maybe it's not right, for now.
But there's lots of time. I was 41 when I adopted.
Good luck in whatever you do.

Forgot to say, therapeutic parenting is fine to use with non adopted children - it works almost like parenting to the power of ten!

Thanks @BarcelonaFreddie. It is something I will keep in the back of my mind. But it just doesnt feel right, right now.

Need to speak to the SW today. Feel a bit embarrassed as our family and friends have just sent in our references..

Thank you. Please don't feel embarrassed. You've done more than most people by actually looking into adoption. For what it's worth I think you have done the right thing in regards to your birth child. Although I think in a few years time you'll try again. You have so much to give clearly ❤️ xxx