Feeling slightly unsure after stage 1 visit

[FilthyforFirth]

Hello, we had our first stage 1 visit last week and it has left me feeling a bit deflated.

The SW seemed a lot more negative than the pre stage visit one. It also seems like we have to completely change our house, even though we have our 2 y/o DS living here. Silly things like, the rug and his play mat downstairs are trip hazards, we can't have sofas underneath the window. Well we have really hard wooden floors so the rug is to help, especially when DS was learning to walk. The living room is a decent size, but there isnt space to change where the sofas are and the windows have locks.

This is all new to us so maybe it is supposed to be really negative to weed out those who arent serious. But I feel uneasy about changing my whole house, which works for our current son.

I think I thought I would feel excited and raring to go, but instead I am left feeling a bit, not sure...

Does this sound like adoption isnt for us? I dont mind honest responses!

Honestly, ignore the social worker - you don’t know the age of any children you’d be matched with so can’t think about child proofing your house until much further down the line. And in any case your home needs to be a home that works for you - I’d file the social worker suggestions under “bullshit nonsense from someone who read a book but has no kids” and see what happens further down the line.

BTW, I say that as a social worker - some of my fellow professionals are a bit power mad

I despair of some SWs. Sometimes you have to smile and nod. If she pushes it I would say you will consider any necessary changes to your house when there is a specific child and you know how old they are.
Good luck !

Thanks for your response. The pre stage SW was an exeprienced one who had worked in the field for over 20 years and the stage 1 SW was relatively new. We were wondering if she was a bit too 'by the book' as she is relatively inexperienced...

My DH had some time off for work related stress. The initial SW had no problem with this and just wanted to wait until he had been back at work for 6 weeks, which was fine. The new SW is making a huge deal of it (it really wasnt, he had a new boss who wasnt managing him well and his workload doubled over night). He was fine at home, fine with our DS just stressed with work. That has been sorted now but the stage 1SW made a huge deal of it and mentioned several times that we might have to wait longer to carry on because of it.

In general it was so negative. We feel we have a lot to offer, big house, garden, huge support network, fincially able to take a year off (we are planning 6 months each for time for each of us to bond) but I just felt like she was looking for resons to turn us down.

Do you think we should just plough on for the time being? Will this be our social worker for the entire process do you know?

Well I have hard floors, rugs and a sofa under a window...i’ve Just walked my two to nursery, so non of that stopped us. Before they came we did a bit of child proofing, baby gates, cupboard locks - that’s about as far as it went. But to be honest the best people to check whether your house is suitable are the children themselves. We followed our littlest quite closely...and lo and behold she found stuff we (or the social workers) hadn’t even thought of.

Just nod and smile. Remember though, you can change agencies if their demands seem a little ridiculous. Please don’t let this put you off though.

We have matching panel in a week, and all our visits have generally been like this..

We still got to the end though..

Honestly, it toughens you up, it really does.

You will be fine if you just keep going.

Oh, and I think we are on SW number 6, btw.

Thanks all. We will carry on for now, though I suppose it might be taken out of our hands if she decides that we can't go any further.

Need to finish off the forms tonight, and do the elearning. Got our first training day in the new few weeks.

I wish the first SW was back!

It's hard and we spent a lot of time nodding and agreeing to stuff we had no intention of doing like building a fence in the garden so the dogs had their own separate area. As far as having 6 weeks off work with stress goes this will be something that comes up at every step of the process but your explanation works so I wouldn't worry about it. My only query would be are you both intending to take 6 months off at the same time? I'm not sure how a child would cope having spent 6 months getting use to one of you being home only for it to change completely to the other one. My LO adores her father but she can't cope with him home all day and me being not there at the same time because I am her main caregiver and have become her safe base.

Thanks chocolate. I meant DH had 4 weeks off work, but they wanted him back at work for 6 weeks before we put the rif in.

We had intended to do 6 months each, do you not think that is a good idea then? DH wanted to do shared leave with our DS but he was in a new job and it wasnt an option. He is very keen this time round.

We thought it would be good for the child to bond with both of us. DH would be here for the first month.

It depends very much on the child and whether you both intend to work full time once your leave period is over. It takes a child and you a couple of months to get into a good routine so they'd just be starting to feel safe and secure and you'd completely change things around and then they'd just start to get used to the new routine and it would change again and that change would coincide with the anniversary of their coming home and many children find that an unsettling time.

The answer is that there is no right or wrong thing to do but many social workers will expect you to commit to one of you having up to a year off. I know of couples who negotiated with the placing authority for a payment to ensure this could happen but that's generally for harder to place children.

Hmm, the initial SW we spoke to didnt think it would be a problem, but perhaps we need to ask again. Yes, we will be going back to work full time after the year.

Our DS is only just 2, literally at the weekend, so we are looking at adopting a baby really, very possibly FTA. So I was thinking having a month up front with both of us, then a further 5 with me and the next 6 with DH would be quite good for a young baby. But perhaps this needs more thought. I can afford to be off for a full year, but we couldnt afford for both of us to be.

Now there is shared parental leave I think these sorts of arrangements will become more common. I know a few people who have done it.
Like most things it how you manage it. For example, there would be no need for the routine to change. If you are both covering part of the routine, you could build in swaps so the child gets used to it.

Though at this stage I would keep an open mind, and see how you feel about it when you a bit further down the line or even when there is a specific child in mind.
9 and 3 months could also be an option

Thanks Ted. You're right, it's just our thoughts at the moment, we arent 100% wedded to it. Will ultimately depend on the child.

It's so difficult when some of the suggestions simply lack any common sense or reflect real life.
Smile and nod, smile. And. Nod.
Honestly, it's the only way.
Fume after they leave.
You're at the beginning of possibly an almost two year job interview. Many different panels and assessors - do what you can.
Pick your battles.
You'll be fine.

In terms of leave, it’s also worth considering that adoption can completely knock you sideways - at the 6 month point I was okay just starting to get into a routine, only just starting to figure out and adjust to the changes in my life. Remember that going from 1 to 2 is hard in the best of circumstances - with adoption it’s much harder and you don’t have 9 months of enforced adjustment that comes with pregnancy. See how you feel in time, if you’re anything like me my decisions about work changed 20 times over the course of the year depending on how I was feeling.

You’ve got lots of time to work it out.

I think that is exactly it. Not a lot of the 'suggestions/demands' made sense. People have rugs in their houses and surely it is better to have a soft surface to fall on.

She also said, depending on the child we adopt, we might have to get rid of the alcohol in the house. We dont have loads, and it is kept in a high up cupboard (Icam quite short and need a stool to reach it!) But that also felt ridiculous, are adopters not allowed an alcoholic drink?

I just feel a bit sad that she is our SW now as I dont feel we got on that well. She was also supposed to be calling me on Friday about DH and his time of work and whether we could continue. I rang to chase yesterday but she still hasnt got back to me. I've just paid £150 for our medicals, which will be pointless if we arent actually continuing.

Sorry, I'm just moaning now..

Hugs. Welcome to the wonderful world of the adoption process 😞 one thing you learn very quickly is that social workers keep you waiting. A lot. Alcohol can be an issue, many adopted children find it triggering because their birth families abused it. Many of adopted children have FASD (foetal alcohol spectrum disorder) either suspected or diagnosed because their mother drank during pregnancy. It's so common it was attending a course about it was a compulsory part of our training. However drinking and having alcohol in the house was not an issue for our social worker as long as it's done responsibly.

Adoption approval is such an intrusive and stressful process that I think you need to seriously consider whether you can work with this social worker

@filthyforfirth - as a pp said it is "almost a two year job interview".

The SW have reasons for their questions - they really need to get to know everything.

I remember feeling a bit like you at the start, whilst reading on here things like "our SW is amazing, what presents are you getting for them" etc etc.

Our journey just hasn't been like that.

However, we have matured quite a lot, I think, and understand a lot more about what we are taking on (in a month - eeek).

We understand our life is not always going to be like a christmas waitrose or john lewis advert.

Having said that, I am more certain than I have ever been that our prospective AS is the one for us, for the rest of our lives, and we are doing absolutely what we want to do.

It is tough, but I think it is meant to be.

Good luck

But that also felt ridiculous, are adopters not allowed an alcoholic drink?

Of course they are, but depending on the age of your children and their experiences of alcohol you may need to think about how you support them to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and accept that particular children may have very difficult associations with alcohol which means you don’t keep it at home.

It’s like that with just about any issue, you don’t know your potential child’s background. They might have issues with food, toiletting, sleep, alcohol, sensory issues, they may be triggered by male voices, a particular perfume etc etc. Because you just don’t know, your social worker needs to set your expectations that possibly things that are ok using the normal run of things might need to change for a particular child - I guess they might have been trying to communicate that your life will change in a 1,000 ways, many of which wouldn’t be an issue but for adoption.

Give yourself room to breathe, try not to be too set on anything right now be that rugs, time off or where you keep your gin - this is a long haul so save your energy for stuff that matters.

Thanks for your comments all. After chasing again today I have finally spoken to the SW. They do want to wait due to DH and his work related stress. He has been back full time since April so seems quite odd to me.

I dont think we are cut out for adoption, which is a shame, so we'll need to look into other options.

Thanks again for all your input.

@filthyforfirth - do you need to do anything hasty?

Couldn't you just keep plodding along with the process?

Remember to have a life as well, but just keep this trundling along?

I am pretty sure most of us on this board will have felt like you have at some point.

Remember, in the end it is about the child - the rest of these hoops are just admin!

Topcat is right! Just keep plodding on!

I dont feel I have the time to plod along really. We wanted to adopt because we have always been interested in it and because I had terrible HG with my DS.

But we also want a small-ish gap. And the reason for the delay seems timeless really. Until DH is no longer having therapy. Well he isnt actually having therapy, he was referred to i-talk online and occassionally reads through some of the stuff. I really dont want to tell him, or for him to feel like he can't do that anymore. It would be like saying I cant take my inhaler for my asthma.

I think our council are looking for perfection, perhaps they should be, but that isn't us.

I do feel quite sad about it, but at 34 I really need to be cracking on with other options.

I don't mean this to sound harsh or unfeeling, but if you give up this easily then maybe adoption isnt for you. You need to be tough and resiliant.

But, honestly I wouldnt give up yet. Its a process with a lot of stages, some you will sail through, others may need a bit of work.
You do need to be able to get on with your SW. Maybe this agency isn't for you. Maybe its worth looking at other agencies.

Adoption is a marathon and not a sprint. It took me 4 years and 2 agencies to get through.