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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption has made the pain of infertility worse

23 replies

Countrypie · 07/07/2019 20:02

After years of failed fertility treatment we adopted 2 siblings (then aged 3 and 5) six years ago. It has been horrendously tough and not a day goes by when I don't regret our decision to adopt. It has not filled the gap of motherhood but has in fact made me more upset about not having a birth child.

I fantasise the whole time about how different it would be with our own. I really struggle to like our two children let alone love them. I feel totally trapped and long for the day when they leave home.

We are spending a fortune on private education just so the school do some of the work that we cannot and it also means longer days so they are at home less.

I don't really know why I am posting this. I suppose i just need to get it off my chest and maybe hear from other people who might have experienced this. I feel like running away. I am still eaten up about never having had a baby of my own. I do not know how to move on and feel completely lost and bereft.

Has anyone felt like this and then managed to turn things around?

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 07/07/2019 20:20

Wow that sounds horrendously tough. And inctedibly sad all round. Did you have counselling to process your infertilit ? I would imagine so but perhaps you would benefit from more to try to move forward with the 2 children you do have. Are there any specialist adoption services that could offer counselling or maybe a support group to talk to other adoptors ?
How does your husband feel ? Are there particular issues with the kids that aggravate your feelings ? Life is rarely ( if ever) the fairytale we paint in our minds even with birth children in my experience.
I think there comes a point when you have to accept that this is the life you have. It may not be the life you planned but that is true for all of us in one way or another and you owe it to the children and yourself to try and resolve this because ( not trying to add to your guilt ) the children must be aware of how you feel.
I am sorry you are struggling so much and really hope you can access support to help you .

ifchocolatewerecelery · 07/07/2019 22:52

Hugs, it sounds as though you're really going through the emotional wringer. I think you need to seek professional help, possibly through your GP or infertility charities. It seems from your post that you are still deeply grieving the fact that you will never have a biological child and it is also possible that you're experiencing post adoption depression.

ChocolateGateaux84 · 07/07/2019 23:31

This is pretty taboo but I think far more common than people realise. sadly many people feel unable to talk about it and feel deeply ashamed. I wish it was discussed more openly. Maybe then people wouldn't feel so isolated. Your supposed to move on from hoping for birth children when you persue adoption. But it's impossible to know how your going to feel when your children are placed and in the cold light of day when your dealing with the day2day challenges of parenting adopted children.

I think the most extreme case I read was on another fertility forum. A lady had had to come to terms with infertility at a young age. She spent a lifetime fostering children and adopted 3. But the longing for a birth child never left. Fast forward to the present day, her adopted children grown up, and with the availability of egg donation the woman went for it and had her 1st birth child in her fifties.
Not trying to suggest this is for you OP, but I will say this isn't the only case I know like this.
I guess it's a die hard longing

Your definitely not alone. I hope you get some support. Be kind to yourself
Best wishes

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2019 00:54

Countrypie I am so sorry to hear your situation.

I am mum to two children who can be quite hard at times. A birth child with autism (14) and an adopted child (9) who has been with us for over five years.

There are definitely times that I am looking forward to the fact that my older child will leave home! And grow up! My older child has been a lot of work, my adopted son less so. I know that is unusual.

I think in your shoes there are a few issues that spring out. You do need some counselling to explore all this, please do seek it.

Can you access any post adoption support? Are you in the UK?

Does your partner (assuming you are parenting in a couple) feel the same as you?

It's very brave of you to come here and say this so bless you because you do need some help. I am very lucky that I can see a counsellor through my work, for free, and when we have had big issues with our birth child, I've been able to access counselling.

topcat2014 · 08/07/2019 07:00

Well done @Countrypie for being brave enough to write this down. Hopefully this is the start for you on finding further help etc.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 08/07/2019 07:08

You’re so brave to write all this down @Countrypie. I don’t have any advice but I know others will and I hope you get the support you need. What a heartbreaking situation for youFlowers

twinsinthese · 15/07/2019 17:19

OP, have things got worse as they have got older? Have you ever felt that things were going ok and happy, or has it been a struggle from day one? And is the problem their behaviour with you, or that they have little in common with you? And when you say private school - do you mean a day or boarding school or a specialist school?

AngelaScandal · 16/07/2019 08:43

OP another one here thinking you are so brave to articulate these thoughts. Please do seek counselling. You deserve a space to further explore these feelings. I hope one day you can experience some peace and acceptance around the infertility grief.
Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 16/07/2019 12:36

@Countrypie please come back and talk to us if it helps.

caringcarer · 16/07/2019 12:42

I am a foster carer and have fostered one child long term for 7 years. Honestly I love him the same as my own children. If you are caring for a child every day they become your own in time. I have both birth children and foster children and can promise you the feelings for long term foster children are the same I have for my own birth children. You may be wishing for unicorns OP. How do you know for certain you could love a birth child more than your adopted children? You don't. You may just not be maternal. You should seek professional counselling.

Countrypie · 16/07/2019 14:27

Thank you everyone who has left such supportive messages. I have really appreciated it. I do think l am probably romantisizing how different it would be with a birth child. However, l do mind never having experienced pregnancy and the baby stage. If l could let go of that then things would feel better (l think).

I have noticed that when l do focus on the children and let go of my fantasies then things go quite well. Like most people, the children respond to love and attention which are both things that l struggle to do. Fortunately my partner finds it easier. He actually has two birth children and he often says l am chasing an unrealistic dream to the extent that l can't enjoy what we do have (@caringcarer - chasing unicorns).

I am 52 now and, like it or not this is the life l have (@flapjackfairy) so l need to focus on ways to make it better rather than being stuck trying to rewrite the past.

There is also a very serious illness on my side of the family which is hereditary so maybe this path was meant for me. At least that's what l think on my positive days.

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 16/07/2019 14:34

This is incredibly sad. For you and your adoptive children. As a poster mentioned, you couldn’t possibly know if you’d feel differently if you had birth children. There are many many women who are not maternal. I am not maternal. I love my children with everything I have. I could not adopt though, I know this. Maybe you are similar. Did you ever seek counselling with regards to your infertility?
I would suggest seeking help and support for your personal struggles. The children will be able to pick up on your feelings.

Countrypie · 16/07/2019 14:35

@twinsinthese - they go to a day school but the days are longer and it is a very nice school with lots of emphasis on manners and positive behaviour. The children are happy there.

It has been a challenge from the start with the social work dept only telling us half truths.

I guess that as they get older l am feeling l have less influence and they are feeling more separate from us. They are a different ethnic heritage from us and l sometimes wonder if that plays a part.

I am hoping to organise some counselling because l know how damaging my attitude is to me and the whole family.

OP posts:
Countrypie · 16/07/2019 14:42

Yes @user1471449295 my attitude has definitely made things worse and it's something all the professionals involved have picked up on. The children are very loving towards us and l am sure things would improve if l could let go of my grief and regret at not having birth children

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 16/07/2019 15:23

I really would have thought professionals involved would be helping you as much as possible. Has there been much involvement from them? How you feel is very important 💐

twinsinthese · 16/07/2019 16:12

I think that there are ways of turning things around but it depends a bit on your situation. Does your partner love/like the children, fully, or just a bit more than you do? You say the children can be affectionate, which is good, so the problem is not that their behaviour is challenging at all?

twinsinthese · 16/07/2019 16:16

What I meant in relation to the behaviour was that unhappy children will express it in their behaviour, and so I wondered about that, how much they were picking up on your feelings, and showing their unhappiness in their behaviour, as well as whether there was behaviour which you particularly found challenging, ie you say that you feel you don't have influence, and I wondered what you meant, whether they are doing things you have asked them not to.

Italiangreyhound · 16/07/2019 16:52

Your update is encouraging. I really wish you all the best. I think with help for you you will get there.

jellycatspyjamas · 16/07/2019 17:07

I think you’ve been very brave in posting, I read it initially and wanted to give some thought to my reply but I’m still not quite sure what to say that might be helpful tbh.

I recognised so much that feeling of not liking, much less loving your children - I felt that way early on in placement and massively struggled with the guilt of feeling that about these much wanted children. That feeling has changed but not without a lot of work on my part in therapy and with the children.

Looking back I can see that some of my feeling was attached to anxiety about literally not knowing what I was doing. My two were 4 and 6 when placed and it was very hard - you might find some of my threads from those early weeks - and I found myself thinking how different it would have been if I’d been pregnant, carried them, nursed them, had a relationship with them. What helped was being around other parents and realising the things I was struggling with, other people struggled with too with their birth children, that parenting is hard work and mostly an exercise in winging it. I also made a concerted effort to look for the times my kids were vulnerable (eg sleeping or tearful) and try to form some connecting with them in that vulnerability while recognising that I too was pretty vulnerable.

Being kinder to myself about my (many) shortcomings as a parent helped me connect with my children, be more relaxed with them etc but I went through a phase of being really angry with myself for inviting such a massive change in my life, when getting pregnant would have the been “normal” route to motherhood - but a route that wasn’t open to me.

You’re further down the road now, and your feelings will no doubt have been reinforced over time so may be hard to change. It may be worth seeking therapeutic help, or finding good non-judgemental friends you can be open with, or posting here to vent or explore.

Countrypie · 16/07/2019 17:20

@jellycatspyjamas that is so helpful

OP posts:
AnotherCrappyDay · 30/07/2019 18:31

Thank you for posting this CountryPie. The feeling of regret is something I very much share, although for me I do feel it's because it turns out I'm not really very maternal rather than missing out on birth children. I'm also in a situation where my husband is coping even less. I feel sorry for our children that they have ended up with us but am struggling to see a way out, as in reality they're not that bad and we're the problem.

OVienna · 02/08/2019 14:11

Countrypie I don't mean this in a disrespectful way and I am sorry if it comes out like that. But raising children is exhausting. I am nearly 49, so similar age to you, and mine are 11 and 15. You are parenting children who are still very young and the road ahead in terms of the responsibilities etc can seem long and overwhelming even when you are parenting birth children. Please give yourself a break.

I look at these boards because I am adopted myself and need some place to lurk that doesn't have the craziness of the FB groups but I want to say that it's so important you acknowledge your feelings. When I was born Post Adoption Depression (akin to PND) wasn't a 'thing.' You were expected to get on with it and God forbid not dare question things if you weren't coping. I am sure even with babies (I was a baby) adoptive parents had these feelings and struggled to bond. Now, it is even harder in many respects IMO for the adoptive parents because they have to think of things to say in Letterbox contact and also help the children feel connected with an ethnic heritage which they may or may no share. There is A LOT of pressure to keep the shop front up.

I just wanted to let you know that you are very brave to own these feelingg. It's a starting point to getting support.

Be well

Flowers
twinsinthese · 15/08/2019 20:51

@Countrypie firstly apologies that this is going to be a long post. I was adopted and you sound similar to my adoptive mother in some ways. She regretted things and suffered terrible feelings of loss. She also suffered terrible depression though I am not sure whether that is affecting you too.

It sounds as though you need to be able to grieve and come to terms with losses and also get help for your DC for their losses.

In relation to your DC's losses, I think that the very serious risk for them and other children in similar situations is that if there is no love and connection they may develop a deep unshakeable and long lasting belief that they are they are unlovable. They may grow up with literally no grasp of what emotional intimacy looks and feels like. This would affect the relationship choices they make and may affect how they behave in relationships as well as how they feel, and so there is a ripple affect outwards. They may suffer dissonance if what you tell them does not accord with what they pick up on in relation to your feelings, eg if you say of course you love them when you do not, and if so find it hard to access help as an adult as they don't know what exactly they need help with. If any of this is likely I think getting help for them now is urgent, as well as getting help for yourself.

The school sounds lovely but as the DC get older more autonomy is required and they may begin to struggle unless they are helped now - this is what I have seen before in any event. If they compare their lives to those of their friends who they know who are loved, and in whose family the dynamics are completely different, it may make them very jealous and angry, or depressed, which may be well hidden at the moment but show more later.

Much is written about adoptee problems arising from neglect/abuse/trauma in early life but not much about this particular issue, AFAIK, which is equally hard to recover from if expert help isn't provided at the right time. I agree with a PP, I suspect that it is far more common than is acknowledged.

I think more help is needed - to help potential adopters understand that adoption will not heal their losses in the long run and to help adoptees with their losses.

OP and @AnotherCrappyDay I think that what might turn things around also is to shift your expectations and approach the relationship with the DC in a different way. By meeting their needs including their need for love and connection in a different way you may then develop different feelings for them and they for you - and leaving you guilt free to get help for you when you have your own time. When you are with the DC you need to be emotionally present and available for them - I think that it is also normal for parents to drift into their own worlds at times, but once aware that you are doing it, it is easier to pull back - and for you to deal with your own grief and feelings when you are on your own.

If you were able to write down exactly what has happened with you from the start, and how you have felt every step and send it to every decision making or influencing body re adoption, eg the CEO Adoption UK, head of Children's Services, psychologists who work with adult and child adoptees, it may well be one small step towards things changing, and also may help you to write it all down too, if you haven't already done that.

I think you are right that it would have been very different if you had had birth children, to be fair, OP. I think adoption is great but it isn't the same as giving birth. But it might be that you are having problems attaching/bonding/parenting to do with your own upbringing and that that is feeding into your other unresolved feelings of loss.

NB it is normal for DC to start to be more influenced by peers at this age and you can find guidance for parents on this subject on parenting sites.

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