Bamboozled by adoption but considering it and need help

[SarahThomas1982]

Hello everyone.

Very new here in mumsnet. As the subject line reads, I'm somewhat bamboozled by the process of adoption but my husband and I are considering it.

I have so many questions, but I guess, the main ones being, how likely are we to be approved? What is the actual process for adoption? How long does it all take (that's just sheer curiousity - it takes as long as it takes)...

Has anyone adopted in South Wales? In particular through Western Bay Adoption?

I have my own birth child (not my husband's, however, birth father has no contact or input whatsoever - she calls my husbands her daddy). However, my daughter was born at 30 weeks following 5 years of TTC using fertility treatment and 30 weeks of HG. Pregnancy doesn't suit me and despite wanting a child I'm aware of how many children are out there wanting and needing loving homes that my husband and I can give if we are approved.

I'm just wondering where to start....desperate to get a handle on the process so that I can start serious thought as to whether this is right for us as a family and more importantly, any potential child and my existing 10 year old (who has high functioning ASD).

Any help and advice very gratefully received!

My advice is always:

1. do not look too far ahead - it is too confusing
2. do not put your life on hold - book holidays etc,
3. double any timescales you read about.

We have a 12 y/o and (hopefully) a 7 y/o will be joining us in August. It will have taken nearly two years. Having a child already has (for perfectly sensible reasons) slowed things down. I wouldn't actually have it any other way.

Can I just check, OP, you are not using your real name?

Anonymity is more important in these circs. In due course you might also want to tighten up privacy on facebook etc. The courses you would go on cover this stuff.

Sarah Thomas is my real name. It's for precisely reasons of privacy that I came to Mumsnet to ask the question instead of somewhere like Facebook as that would link directly to my profile.

I'll tighten up my Facebook profile too though.

It just feels so confusing reading about it all. Where to start.. 😳

My husband, daughter and I want to bring another little person into our family. We have discussed having our own child however with my fertility issues and trouble carrying, etc I'm not sure that would be fair to put my existing child through. With so many children needing homes, adoption seems like it might be worth exploring further.

My biggest worry is that this is such a massive thing for a child. Getting it right is so important and that in itself feels scary. How do I know I would be good enough?

Is it just a case of contacting the agencies in our area and going from there? Can we only go with one agency? Are there courses or events you can go to that tell you more?

My head feels like it's spinning a bit!

Wishing you so much luck on your journey and hope you have your child home with you soon. Thanks for replying also!

We started the ball rolling in May 2018. At times it's been a long and laborious task, but to get the best from it you have to have an element of putting your whole energy into certain stages to get the most benefit from the experience. All being well we're due to complete with placement day of our LO at the end of the August, so 15 months from start to finish, however, since we've been approved to starting the ball rolling with family finding was so quick, a matter of 5 days inbetween. I've got pally with another woman in prep groups who was at panel in January & she's only going to complete at the end of July.

The whole process is very individual to each adopter.

I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket either before you start the ball rolling. Lots of adoption agencies have open evenings & informal discussions where you can go & ask questions which will help your decision.

@SarahThomas1982 - I would recommend changing your user name on here, tbh. It is public domain after all.

You have nothing to lose by getting started - nothing happens quickly, so you have plenty of time to process everything.

We feel so much better prepared than we were at the start. About 20% of adopters have birth children already (like us).

Also, adoption in 21st century is so different to how it was 40 years ago. Children, rightly, are not removed from 'single mothers' for society reasons / shame etc. Also, they do not (generally) change first names, and adoption is not a secret (for them) that they get told about when they grow up.

We just used our local council (we didn't really know there were other routes). You will find, probably, that several councils in your area will have merged adoption together.

This board is helpful, as is a facebook group "prospective adopters UK support group"

Username changed! Thank you for the heads up.

Yes - we've found Western Bay Adoption which covers Swansea and the surrounding area and then we have one more local to us which covers our council and a few of the surrounding councils this way.

That's a very sensible suggestion I feel - I would imagine that as you go through the process you find out more and can always withdraw if it becomes clear it isn't right.

I guess I'm also apprehensive about starting on this journey and then being turned down.

I'll have a look for that group on Facebook. I'm the sort of person who likes to know as much as possible about something before deciding either way.

As a family we have so much love in our little unit and to give to another child. This is such a big decision!

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond to me. You have been very helpful 😊

It is tough, but not overly so.

Be prepared for some small rejections along the way. But I am sure you will get there in the end.

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Hi. I'm from South Wales, just been approved 8 months after first open evening. Our assessment was pretty straight forward. No other partners (together from school), no birth children, no criminal records. We also went though fertility treatment and unfortunately it didn't work for us.
You mention your husband is not your birth child's dad, does he have any birth children? Asking because even though I could not conceive we had intense conversations with our social worker to make sure we were sure adoption was for us. Maybe this was because we were young but we kind of had to prove we were doing it for the right reasons.
The assessment is intrusive, hard and emotional. It's long and you have to be resilient but having been approved recently and currently sitting waiting to tell our social worker we would like to go ahead with a match I would say it is definitely worth it.
Also I went though local authority. I feel maybe they would be better than agencies. If you are approved I think the after care is alot better.
Wishing you all the luck in what you decide to do. Best wishes xx

There are no other children, just my daughter.

Do they still speak to ex partners like they do with step parent adoption? The only reason we haven't gone ahead with step parent adoption for my daughter is because my ex husband is not a suitable person for my daughter to be around and I'm worried it might open up contact between them. We live 200 miles away from him now and he has abandoned her anyway, but would do anything to make life difficult for us. This would be the case here too.

Our options (as far as I'm aware) are western Bay adoption based in Swansea which handles adoption for the local authority in and around the council areas of Swansea, and South East Wales Adoption which does the same for Caerphilly, Blaenau Gwent, etc.

I'm trying to find out when the next open evenings are, I think we'd benefit from going to them, and having had such a bad pregnancy (and delivery) it's something we are considering as I'm not sure I could cope with 9 months of hyperemesis gravidarum and leaking amniotic fluid - and that's if I was able to get pregnant.

My husband is 30, I'm 37. Both non-smokers. My husband is a civil servant and I'm my daughters carer and studying psychology at uni. We have a secure home, and supportive family on my side, my husband is estranged from his parents due to abuse he suffered.

How in depth are they likely to go? (Just to be prepared).

Yes they will want to speak to ex partners etc. I think that will be a deal breaker. Although still go along to the open evening. I suppose not all journeys are the exact same.
My husband found it difficult before our assessment to open up. He found the who process very intrusive and he didn't have trauma, abuse etc growing up. Please prepare you hubby for this. A huge part of the assessment if your life story. Massive focus on my birth mam who I never met. To me I didn't see the focus. To them they had to see how not seeing her impacted me. My advice would be go to the open evening, they will arrange an initial visit and a social worker will come out and you can dicuss in depth and then make a decision. I really hope everything works out for you xxx

A couple of things that popped into my mind.

1. Does you birth daughter know that her 'Daddy' is not her bio dad? if she doesn't that could be a big stumbling block.
2. The age gap is generally good, but don't underestimate the amount of time a teenager needs. You would need to think about how you could manage a 5 and a 15yo for example.

Good luck.

Our LA wouldn't place anyone whilst DD was just starting secondary school, as it would have been too much of a difficult time for her.

Now she is at the end of Y7 - I can totally agree with where they were coming from.

Hey guys has anyone adopted with western bay adoption?