Very clingy toddler!

[12Mummy12]

Hi there.. This is my first post as desperatley seeking some advice. Myself and partner were placed with a 1yr old in January. Partner went back to work but even in the beginning he was very clingy to me. But now, even if I leave the room he whinges and follows me... If we're out with friends or family - he again is whinging and following me. I understand attachment etc but I don't want this to turn into what could be - at nursery etc - separation anxiety. He's not like this with my partner - and it makes it tough for me as sometimes I can't put him down without him being clingy and wanted to be picked back up. This isn't all of the time.. But every day there is a situation or 2 where he is constantky wanting or needing me.. I just want him to be happy around me - and to be like this in other place (familiar place also like grandparents). Why is he like this with just me? And what can I do to help him through this? Any advice greatly appreciated or any experience of this situation also. Thankyou x

Wow this just took me back a year! We were placed with our 1yo in January last year and in was in your situation last year. I promise you it gets better! It's completely normal at this age, regardless of adoption, just keep reassuring your son that you're there and hes ok. Leave the room for ten seconds then come back. Then a bit longer.

Do you spend time away from him?

If it helps my son is still very clingy to me at 2.5yo but is absolutely fine at nursery and at my parents where he stays overnight once a fortnight. He is fine away from me, he just prefers to be glued to me whenever possible. You're less than six months in, whilst it will feel like a lifetime since he came to you, it's still a very big adjustment for you you'll get used to it.

Wanting to be in your presence is completely normal and you need to just accept that this is what having a child is like and give the child the attention they need. They need more attention if they are clingy, the best thing to do in my experience is to go OTT almost and give a great deal of affection and attention and cuddles and playing and talking until they seem more settled. If you continue this for a couple of days they may be more settled generally.

If you put them in nursery or other child care they may attach to their carers in the same way - and that might not be the best thing for them.

I think it is normal for children to start to want to be independent at around 7 or 8 - though they can cope with being at nursery and school before this, obviously - many given the choice would prefer to be spending time with their primary carer ime - but with lots of attention and reassurance they cope fine.

It is worth reading up on child development emotionally and in other respects so you have a really good idea about what is "normal".

Yes, what PP just said - they are showing you they need you! I found with DD this increased after 6m because that was when she probably started deeply bonding to me. Until then I was just another adult taking care of her and she wasn't that bothered if I looked after her or someone else did. It IS hard work and can be claustrophobic, but just keep comforting and reassuring them. I ended up with a small toy box in every room including the bathroom, so my little shadow could follow me everywhere and feel welcome, but at least I could move around the house a bit more. Games like peekaboo, and simple theraplay games, help start to teach a child's brain to trust in object permanence (you're still there even when they can't see you). You will get through this. Take breaks when you can, especially after bedtime, when you can revel in being alone

you are in the very early days, he has been through a traumatic time, he wants his mummy, you are his safe point, take it as a positive.
My son was nearly 8 when he came home, he trotted off quite happily to school, swimming lessons, cubs, at home he was limpet boy. Hee once even sellotaped our legs together !
They need to learn that they can depend on you before they can become independent.
It all sounds perfectly normal, little boys are fab, enjoy this time you have with him

My almost 1 year old does this, sometimes I distract with cartoons (He's safe in high chair) while I get stuff together to go out but as pp have said he sits in bathroom while I shower, sits on mats in back yard while I put washing on line. If he's with someone else and I turn up he wants me, I just figure its healthy for now. He cries when I leave him at nursery but staff assure me within minutes he's fine I just try and be strong and leave fast as the longer I linger the worse he gets.

My two can still be like this two years on, my DD is 8 and sometimes just needs to be close to me. The more you give him attention and keep him close, the more secure he will become. I know it’s counter intuitive but the more available you are to him the more able he will be to leave and cling less.

In terms of separation anxiety, small children become anxious when their attachment figure leaves them, it’s a totally normal part of child development - the idea being that the more they see you leave and come back again, the more manageable that anxiety becomes. So don’t try to manufacture separation but there will be times that you naturally need to be elsewhere, when you go remind him that you’ll come back and when you do come back shower him with love and tell him you missed him etc.

Thankyou all so so much for your words of experience and suggestions.
As long as I know this is all normal for him.. Then it's fine by me. I just didn't want this to become something bigger... Ie sepretaion anxiety.
And also, we left him with grandparents a few weeks back and they said after a few mins he was fine.. It just seems to be that if he can see me... He wants me.
When I'm not there... Or he forgets I'm not there (ie working in study etc) he's OK.. And then as soon as he's sees me again... He's all clingy again haha
He's so adorable and his needs genuinely come first... So Im happy that this all normal.. And normal for him. Thankyou all so much. It was nice to hear other people going through it - and not feeling so alone with at all! Ty so much x

Even though I’m sure it feels like forever it’s still very early days. Remember that 6 months ago he lost everything familiar to him. He will be clingy, possibly for years because his little body will remember the loss. It’s hard but keeping him close and remembering why he’s like this will help.