Going crazy at home all day with our new toddler

[Tattiecake]

I feel like I should start this by saying that I know how lucky I am. We went through years of IVF so to finally have a little family is literally a dream come true. I also have a very supportive husband, some wonderful friends, and a good agency and SW. But dear God nothing - no books, prep groups, sw advice - nothing can really prepare you for what it's like to suddenly have a strange toddler in your life. A lot of this is normal toddler stuff. But some of it is specific to adoption. We did a pretty strict funnelling process and it felt like I was under house arrest for the first few weeks. It's been 4 months now and it's a bit easier but there's still days where I feel trapped and our sw says it's still to early for family to babysit yet. Our daughter has just turned 4 but due to the adoption there's a lot of regression so quite often you are dealing with behaviour more like a 2 year old. This means constant battles about nappies and she isn't able to play independently at all yet. My house doesn't feel like a home anymore. It feels like the place where I work except if I was actually working I'd get lunch hours, evenings and weekends off and holidays. Instead it feels like there isn't a minute in the day when I can relax. She needs constant play and interaction. We are watching and analysing and timing everything because of the funnelling and therapeutic parenting. And even the cuddle time on the sofa watching TV isn't relaxing because if I don't keep an eye on the time she wets herself and I end up having to strip and wash her and me and the sofa. She was raised with a TV on all the time and we've been advised not to try to change this yet so we also have cbeebies every waking moment of the day. By the evening we are all exhausted and I just want to cry. There's a constant feeling of guilt that I'm too tired and overwhelmed to see the cute little girl that everyone else delights in and I'm desperate for some time away to feel like myself again. It's possible I would have been this kind of parent anyway. I think some of it is due to her age too. If we'd adopted an older child there would be independent play and no nappies or if we'd adopted a younger child who didn't understand and listen to everything we would have been able to have the occasional adult conversation and adult music/tv on. There's a lot that's wonderful about a lively, clever, funny 4 year old. But on bad days it's difficult to see that. I'm not sure if this is PADS or if this is just a normal response to huge amounts of relentless stress and having your life turned upside down. What keeps me going is the small signs of progress - being able to go to a local group, introducing her to my parents, when a day out to the beach turns out to be fun and not just one long tantrum. So many people have said to me that this is such a wonderful age and it will go by quickly and I'll find that I miss the nappies and play dough. I understand that. But it's really hard to stop and enjoy it when you feel so ground down.

And breathe! It's good to let it all out and we have all been there and can sympathise x

How are you and husband splitting it up, are you getting time away from her - even 15m to have a drink/browse online? Make a list of activities, break down into segments you can manage and rotate through them.

It will get easier to manage as different challenges arise as they get older and you're more knowledgeable, as well as the signals become more noticeable.

I was bored with the routine - know it's best for them but wasnt for me. I also found it hard to mourn my previous life and what it would be now, wasnt until I spoke to Adoption Support that I recognised what it was. I also made a conscious decision to let the tidiness slide - it's their place now and I had a good run where it was all ours.

Only you can say if its PADS, worth going to GP, speaking to SW and HV and talking it through.

Keep talking x

Thanks. I think you are right. Part of me is mourning my past life which is hard to admit when you've spend a decade trying to have kids. The grass is always greener eh? 🙄 My husband us great but working so til Jan most of the week it's me. I do def need to take more time for head space though. Trying to grit my teeth and get on with it isn't helping me or her

Ah, don’t we always need to start off by saying how lucky we are... we’ve finally got the child or children we’ve longed for and everyone keeps telling us to enjoy this time, they’re small for such a short time really and we really want to enjoy but. Every single part of our life has been turned on it’s head, and we’re meant to smile and coo about how fabulous it is to finally be a parent.

My DC arrived with us aged 4 and 6, both had significant toiletting issues and neither could have me out of physical reach for months, if I was in the house they needed to be physically attached to me. One epic day they needed changed 17 times between them and emptying the tumble dryer took 45 minutes because they couldn’t be apart from me, I remember phoning my husband in tears because I couldn’t work the tv!

You’ve had a massive change in lifestyle, at the moment it really needs to be a balance between what your little one needs to help settle in and what you need to preserve your sanity.

At four months in my 4 year old was in nursery for a couple of hours each day, and they both had been babysat at our own home by my sister so DH and I could catch a breath. The space enabled me to focus my time on them for the other 23 hours in the day, 2 years on we’re all doing ok more or less.

Think about what you need and, with the greatest of respect, don’t put too much weight on what social workers are telling you - you’re parenting your child, not reading from a theory book. If you need the tv off, turn it off. Pop the radio on, have some quiet time, whatever. If you need space, take little one to the park or soft play, they will see other kids doing their own thing and you can hover with a coffee. Try not go over analyse, you’re aiming for good enough, you can’t respond therapeutically every minute of the day, funnelling is only possible so far - it honestly won’t hurt your child to build other relationships with adults as long as they pass her to you for most of her care.

For tv and cuddle time, I had a travel rug with waterproof backing that we cuddled on, it could be chucked in the wash if either child peed. I have to say though toiletting was, I found, the single most stressful thing about my DC post placement - getting them to a toilet in time, having enough changes of clothes etc etc bloody nightmare.

Nothing can ever prepare you for this season in your life, let yourself relax your standards a bit - it’s kinder in the long run, and get some rest.

I agree with relaxing the funnelling and getting a babysitter in occasionally . I wouldnt be swayed too much by the sw . They live in ivory towers a lot of the time and have no idea of what it is like at the grass roots level. It sounds like you need a break asap. And could you go out one evening a week if your husband had her so you can catch up with friends, have a massage, lie in a darkened room with a flannel on your head .. whatever you need to recharge. It is v intense in the early days but it is not selfish to meet your own needs once in a while.

It's so hard isn't it. Are you going to any groups or just to the park and out walking regularly. Remember advice is just that advice. My LO would have you tube on all day if she could get away with it but it's only on a lunch time and gets turned off as soon as she stops watching it. We have CBeebies a lot too but we use i player more these days and compromise on box sets I can cope with too so molly and Mac and waffle doggie are never watched on I player. When our LO first came home we almost lived in the local supermarkets as it was winter, the weather was horrible and it got me out the house. These days we live in the local country parks. We spend a lot of time hunting for bugs and throwing stones in the river trying to make the biggest splashes.

I'm actually avoiding potty training at the moment (so is she) as when nappy changes are good we both really enjoy the chance to connect.

4 months is still very early days but by this point I was hanging out at my mum's for the day at least once a week and his mum's one afternoon a week. They entertained her so it gave me some respite whilst still being with her. I'd be counter arguing the top early to babysit with the need to get her used to people who you'd rely on to look after her in an emergency.

Tattiecake you have my sympathy. I found the early days with ds tough, he was 3.

I think others have given good advice.

Make sure your dp takes his turn of looking after little one when he gets home from work and also at weekends. Schedule some activities in for you to reconnect with friends etc.

I think swimming with little one is fun . If you can do that, do it; if you do not enjoy that, try something different.

Good luck.

If you are worried you may be depressed, get some time away and see how you feel, even a short time away for a few hours with friends while little one is safely with dp.

Personally I think you can take funneling too far, SWs in the main deal in theory, you have the actual child to contend with.
I'd aim to get out every day, the park, soft play, play group whatever. You can get through half a day. I'd also start weaning her off the TV, put it on half an hour later, or switch it off half an hour earlier. If she has met relatives can you get them round to the house for an hour or so, you can then have a bubble bath, crash out with a cup of tea, you are still in the house but getting a bit of respite. Or go to the park with the grandparents and let them do the active watching whilst you snooze on a bench.
Have you been swimming? I can't tell you how much I hate swimming but it was great for building a bond with my son. Very early on, in addition to swimming lessons, I would take him every Sunday for an hour. Afterwards we would go to the coffee shop for a drink and bacon sarnie. I took a sticker book for him, the newspaper for me. Not sure I ever actually read the paper but it was out of the house. We walked there and back - took the whole morning.
I'm a single adopter, I just couldn't have done this extreme funneling - it's just not practical.I think the point is sometimes missed, it shouldn't be about isolating yourself but ensuring that its you who does the actual care- which is achievable if your family and friends are on board.
Bottom line is, you are no good for her if you are worn to a frazzle. If its not working for you, change it. SWs don't need to know every detail of your life. But I would start to make some changes that suit you.

I’d also add that by 4 months in we had the adoption finalised in court, so the DC were ours to parent in the way we thought best. We still saw SW for support but they certainly weren’t commenting on our parenting at that point.

Is your little one in nursery? That could give you a bit of a break.

I feel for you - that change is hard to get used to!

Oh god I relate to this. I found the early months sooo grim for a variety of reasons similar to yours, but the bit that really depressed me was realising that because I had wanted this I felt like shit every time I moaned about the trapped feeling.
You're right - nothing can prepare you for the loss of control of your life, and atleast the birth mums have more of a social support system (often).
It does get better, it really does. But in the meantime....

1. Get outside as often as possible.
2. Accept that toiletting is likely to be a nightmare - it's a very common expression of anxiety. Arm yourself with a bucket and rubber gloves in the bathroom, always carry spares when you're out and mutter thru gritted teeth 'this too shall pass'. Our LO is 5, with us for a year and a half, in the early months she regularly poohed herself 3 times a day. Now it's only once every now and again when she's nervous. What made the difference was our attitude, we made a huge effort to chill out about it, and I think that made her feel more relaxed about going. Hugs to you xx

Ps echoing someone else, nursery - after 4 months it's totally fine that she be in nursery, maybe just half days. I'm all for bonding with new parents, but those parents need to be sane themselves. You need a break. I think we started our daughter after 3 months and was a good decision.

I would definitely look at nursery. Perhaps just start out with half a day a week. Presumably she'll be starting school in September which she'll find easier if she has some experience of nursery. Nurseries nearly always offer 'settling in' sessions which are typically a couple of hours and you'd stay in the room for some or all of this so you can ease her in gradually. My lo was only one when he came to me and it just felt relentless for so long, but getting him into nursery half a day a week made so much difference for me.

Thanks to everyone for all the support and advice. I feel better after having a bit of a rant 🙂. It helps to hear how other people have experienced funnelling and actually we had already been thinking that it was about time we started being more relaxed about things and trusting our own judgement more. I definitely want to start using my parents for babysitting asap and (luckily!) they are desperate to get more involved. Its a different system in Scotland so she won't start school til next August but we can start nursery from this Autumn and that should make a huge difference. I think everyone's right about the potty stuff. It will happen in its own time and I don't want to make her anxious. Just have to resign myself to 4 loads of laundry a day and never leave the house without the nappy bag. Love and heaps of admiration to those of you doing this with two or more LO's. And to anyone doing this as a single parent!

Was your little one toilet trained in foster care and has regressed back or has she never been trained?

No it was decided it was better to wait rather than trying to potty train during the trauma of the move. She seems really close to being ready. She will sometimes choose to sit on a trainer seat on the toilet at home and is usually happy to use proper toilets when we are out but always still with a nappy on in between. Our sw has said that the reluctance to tell us when her nappy is full and the fuss about changing nappies is a sign that she's close to being ready to potty train but she also said not to rush it. Which does make sense. I don't mind changing nappies that much I just wish she didn't run away every damn time and it would be great if she could tell us when she had a full to bursting one rather than denying it 🙄 we are drowning in wee and laundry!

It would maybe be worth talking to your health visitor - I found ours invaluable in helping me with my 4 year old at the time. I’d not be relying too much on SW advice on toilet training, timing etc. we were told my DD had toiletting issues which were wholly anxiety driven, turns out she had a significant health issue once treated her toiletting issues resolved themselves almost immediately.

Follow your own instincts, as she settles you’ll have a better idea of how ready she is. In the meantime I’d just check her nappy every couple of hours if she tends to over fill. I know my DD couldn’t feel when she was wet or soiled because she was so disconnected from her physical feelings, so we had to just check periodically.

Am not convinced about your social worker's assessment that her issues around nappy changes show she is nearly ready to train. My LO is the same and in her case she's reluctant to be changed for several reasons. She can make it into an opportunity to play and it becomes a game; it's something she has some control over, unlike most things in her life; or she's simply more interested in what she's doing and doesn't want to stop.

From what you've written, I get the impression your LO was just left to get on with things and has experienced neglect. If that is the case then she is used to walking round in very full nappies and not having them changed. She is also used to the smell and finds it comforting because it's familiar and safe given that her world has been turned upside down by moving in with you.

Signs that she is ready to be trained would include hiding when she needs the toilet, especially a poo.

I think you need to seek more specialist advice in this area from an organisation like ERIC in conjunction with adoption U.K. or NATP. Many adopters have been where you are, in fact the main adoption U.K. trainer in Wales helped write an nhs policy on it. You need input from a specialist continence who's dealt with enuresis before.

Thanks. Yeah she hides when she's done a poo. Running to her room for 5mins is a dead giveaway that there's a pooey nappy! 🙂 Definitely a bit about control and game playing as well. Tbf it was the sw who flagged that too - in a toddler's little world there's not much they can control apart from food and nappies and we are seeing both. Does seem to be an element of regression too as its during the times when she seems to need to be like a baby when we get the worst nappy tantrums and after she refuses to get dressed again and wants to run around in just a nappy or vest for a bit. We usually let her do this to get it out her system

I'm a single adopter to a just 4 yr old. Shes been home just over a month. To be really honest I did what I felt was right for her.... and for me. Mine is currently outside flooding the plants with water... but shes happy and I've got a 10 min break!!

Funneling to me meant the 1st 2 weeks it was just her and me with a few visits from my mum ( my main support) but we still went out and about every day. Nothing to exciting but as others have said, a walk to the park or even a trip out in the car kept us both on an even pace !!

I've very much followed by own routine and have changed lots from what used to happen with foster family and shes doing just fine! I often put on the radio just for some adult noise!

I think follow her lead and start listening to your gut feeling rather than what the social worker says. It doesn't have to be perfect every day... and if it's a bad day... tomorrow will be better.

I'm really happy to chat if you want to pm me. Xx

Thanks Tattiecake for posting this and for being so honest. I can't add anything to the fantastic advice you've already had, but we are hoping to have 2 little ones (3 and 2) home with us by August (adopting with my DH).

Really trying to mentally prepare ourselves as we are under no illusions that it will be easy. Reading accounts like yours is so helpful and we know we're not alone if we feel 'ungrateful'.

Sending you hugs and positive vibes

Thanks Serenity45. And best of luck with your little ones. Every placement is different and ultimately it is totally worth it. Xx

So much excellent advice on here. Just to add, don't view your child as age 4! View them as the emotional age that they are. Research simple activities for 2year olds and let go of the expectations. And trust all the advice given on here! for you!

🙂 Yep much needed 🍷 tonight! Thanks everyone xx

You know what Tattiecake it is relentless in the first few months but remember that the social workers aren't there all day and night and the reality is that you need time out to still be you. Funelling is all very well in theory but I do debate how good staying in your house can actually be for anyone. Being outside with other people is amazing. I dont think getting baby sitter would end the world. I sneaked out for a curry less less than 100 yards from my house with my husband three weeks in and left my mum in the house with our son. I felt like a new woman and could be there in 30 seconds if needed. Speak to your SW and tell them you need some support. Hope things start to get better.

Thanks Stinkycatbreath, think that's very true. Bits of time out definitely help. Was getting into that state of mind where a night out feels like too much of an effort but it's always worth it. And finally having some sunny days (thank god!) where can get outside with the wee one which makes us both happier and more relaxed 🙂