It's been a year-update

[darkriver19886]

I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I had final contact. I am really greatful for the support that you have given me despite being a BP.

It's not been an easy year for me but, I have made great strides.

Five weeks after final contact I was offered a lovely ground floor flat suitable for my physical needs. I took it up and it's a place where I feel sheltered and safe. The HA was very impressed with how I have kept it clean. Which is amazing considering concerns over conditions were a critism. I have a housing support worker and he is winding down services in the next few weeks.

In August I realised that NHS couldn't meet my needs after I had a breakdown and wasn't offered any support. I reached out and found a therapist who I see weekly which I fund out of my PIP. She has proven to be an excellent and kind
therapist. She is inexperienced in my particular condition but, she found a supervisor who guides her. I see her weekly and haven't missed a session.

Things tucked over slowly but, in December I started a blog regarding my experience with mental health and it has been received well. People love my writing.

I met the adopters in Jan and felt it was a positive experience.

Unfortunately at the end of Feb I became seriously ill. I had developed a hernia from my youngest daughters birth which somehow got lodged into my bowel. I lived with symptoms undetected for two years before I got admitted due to vomitting and blacking out. I had sepsis and needed three lots of bowel surgery. Luckily I am made of stronger stuff.

I have struggled with the recovery as i need a special machine which was difficult but helped me heal faster.

At the beginning of April I began joining a writer's group and I have started writing my first novel but, that's going to be a long term project.

Unfortunately, I lost a brilliant service when After Adoption closed its doors. I haven't heard anything from the replacement service I was supposed to get.

My mental health is still a struggle and I mss the girls everyday. However, I am still able to speak open and honest my experience and be helpful to others. I am positive about adoption even though it gets difficult dealing with letterbox.

darkriver - I think you are a very courageous person. I'm really glad you are finding some help. Your writing sounds really exciting - I hope it leads to a good things and a brighter future for you

Please don't take my standard writing by that post. I wrote it on a tablet and it kept freezing!

You are welcome to keep writing on here - adopters (or prospective ones like me) will be interested in your perspectives and experiences.

Best wishes for a continued recovery.

@darkriver19886, thanks so much for the bittersweet update, I’m sure I’m not alone in sending you very best wishes for the best possible life you can lead post adoption. I’m sure none of us here posting from the opposite perspective and position can fail to be untouched by the depth of your insight. Your situation is truly heartbreaking and your heart must be so ginormous to be so magnanimous towards the adopters of your girls. As an adoptive parent of two adopted girls, one of whom has ongoing direct contact with her birth mother (we have messaged about this before) I find it heartening and humbled that you remain so engaged.

Thank you everyone. I have always said that I want to show my daughter's I did the best. I am very pessimistic about future contact when the girls are older but, find it easier to be that way.

Darkriver, you sound like such a strong and brave woman. What sadness, challenges and heartaches have come your way, but you keep finding a way forward and coping. I appreciate your posts on these boards and hope you'll keep posting. Wishing you well now and in the future xxx

I always have admired your openness about adoption and your feelings about your children, I’ve seen you strongly advocate for birth parents here too - a good reminder that each of us have children with birth mums who have experienced a terrible loss.

In many ways you’ve shown yourself to be incredibly strong, your children may never fully understand the extent of your strength and resilience, or that in them being adopted you did the best you could, but we get it to some degree.

I wish you every good thing for your future, your story gives me hope that somewhere out there my childrens’ birth mum is recovering from her loss and doing ok.

I am glad I give you hope. I thought I would post this update to prove that not every BP is a complete write-off. I, of course, don't know many as I tend to stay away from groups where BP's are angry about adoption as I don't the energy.

There is the conversation's on this section that I tend to stay away from, I have learnt to keep out of any conversation on AIBU regarding social services as its exhausting trying to defend my position.

However, regardless I will continue to interact on this section in a respectful and positive way as most of the time thats who I am.

Our's are all grown up now, all had continual contact with Birth Family and continues., Over heard them talking a few days ago " We are lucky than most children we have Two loving Family's. got quite emotional.

That's so sweet @fasparent

Your post had tears rolling down my face, you are so brave!
We have adopted 6 and your posts have made me realise how brave their parents were.
I wish you all the best and hope you get the support you deserve

Darkriver I've always admired you on this board.
Your love for your girls has always shined through, and I hope that through the years your girls, you and their parents are able to find a way to manage keeping you in their lives. It's so important.
I'm mum to 4 wonderful siblings who ask about their history, and birth mum to a dd who somehow glues us all together
🌹

You are brave and strong. For what it’s worth I’m an adopted and always speak positively about birth parents to my girls. I will support them in meeting their birth parents when they choose to do it.
You never know what the future holds and I hope yours is filled with happiness.

You should feel very proud of yourself Darkriver.
You are a remarkable and strong and inspiring woman.
Is your blog available to read?

@asmallmovie
It is available in the public domain however, I am reluctant to post the link as I would be highly identifiable. Hope you don't mind if I don't post it currently as I am already concerned I have been identified as it is. :)

Also generally, as a rule, I try to avoid talking about adoption or the girls on my blog as people can be unkind.

Of course. But please keep writing and keep pushing on with life - you’re doing so well and your story will inspire many girls and women, including hopefully some day in the future, your daughters.

Sending love and warm wishes your way

I am coming late to this, but wanted to send my best wishes.

I can't begin to imagine how painful it must have been, and still is.

Being able to tell my girls wholeheartedly that their first mum loved them and did her best for them - in difficult circumstances - has made such a difference to them. She is still very much part of their lives in a very positive way, and very much loved, and I hope that this is also the case for your girls.