I need honest advice!

[fynnsmam]

Hi,
We're currently going through the adoption process, we have an 8 year old boy and we've been trying to have a second child for over 6 years without any success. We are definite that we want to adopt, hopefully a child between 2 and 4 or 5. We've been to two training days so far and will have a further two next month. I understand the social workers have got to tell you all different scenarios and possible worst case scenarios to help you understand the needs of children who have experienced abuse, neglect and been in care. But surely there are positives too???? Please tell me there are, it's not all going to be struggles is it? Obviously we're no strangers to difficult times, we've raised our son! But we are aware this will be entirely different to what we've experienced so far. It just all seems very doom and gloom!
Sorry to go on, I think I'm just freaking out a bit!

Our trainers told us there was no need to tell us the 'good' stuff, as we could easily imagine that ourselves.

Hence, the training tends to cover the 'bad' stuff that we wouldn't have known about.

(we have matching panel in July, btw)

It is a really big shift of mindset to start to understand the "normal" lives that children needing adoption have experienced. It's deeply uncomfortable, sometimes shocking to learn about that landscape and the kinds of impact that can be caused. But you do need to know it, even if when you're actually parenting it's not at the front of your mind (but is there, usefully guiding you underneath).

Of course there are huge joys in building a relationship with your child, helping them grow and (hopefully to a large extent) heal. There is silliness and affection and exhaustion and delight. There are surprises, there's a giant learning curve, and there are new adopter families to befriend. I discovered just how deep I'd have to dig into my inner resources to survive at times, and I've no doubt in the future that will happen again. I'd say it really is exploring an entirely new country, and there can be a lot that's incredibly tough to navigate, but also so much that's amazing.

Thank you both so much for your responses! I suppose I'm just getting nervous as I want the best for not only us as a family but our new child too. I just don't want to mess up!
Good luck with matching

I think magickeys is spot on.
Adoption really is a different planet to birth children. And with respect, unless your 8 year old has additional needs, the difficulties of raising a birth child are just not the same as an adopted child.
Of course there are good things in adoption. My son is nearly 15. We have had some very dark days but come through to a good life. In many ways it's very ordinary.
Today he left the house at 8 on his bike to meet his mates and cycle to school. I feel that is our greatest achievement, to be ordinary, just like any other family, just like any other teenager. But it's been hard graft to get here. 7 years ago he was on school transport going to special school. No one thought he would ever hold his own in mainstream. But he does. He is an amazing young man, not because he does anything particularly special, but because against all the odds stacked against him, he is there, one of the crowd, making his way in the world as he should.
Adoption is a gamble, or a box of chocolates, depending on how you look at life. You never know what you're going to get. It will be life changing in ways you can't imagine.

Agree with Ted our son now 18 has Cerebral palsy Yet at Easter took part in Holland in World Dance Championship's, Won The individual Title., So you do not Know outcomes at the start of Adoption but put things behind and look too future, and enjoy life. Could achieve with or without Adoption.
Good Luck xx

Ted you are an inspiration.

fynnsmam you really do need to know the worst case scenarios because this is the BIGGEST commitment you will ever make. More than any relationship you will ever have I feel adoption is a top one because you are committing for life to be a parent, not until they are 18 or whatever. In that way it is like being a birth parent but the added element of 'we chose this child' in a very specific way means you do need to be prepared. IMHO it is a kind of added responsibility.

I have a birth child with special needs and an adopted son who is NT.

I think all the horror stories are a double-edged sword, to prepare you for the realities but also to make sure that only those really dedicated to this process stay in it.

But the kids, sometimes, are totally normal and you do all the regular stuff too, but to be honest you need to be aware of everything and the chance they may have some difficulties stemming from being in the care system/birth family issues whatever.

PS My dd was 9 when ds (3) came. Lots of jealousy from DD which was easily the hardest thing for me to deal with! Ask me anything if you want to!

By 'normal' I mean able to do normal things like Ted's son riding off with his mates. Lots of it is normal life but some of it is difficult/challenging and needs additional thought.