Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Flip

Original poster

Birth mother in area , advice needed

18 replies

twoblueskies · 04/06/2019 13:18

I've posted before and contacted social care . Our DD is 5 and was adopted at 11 months. We kept her birth name as we were told BM had returned to live at her birth town and a long way from us .Now I know mum is living local to us she stood behind me last week in a shop queue . I'm worried as it's likely that we will be near her another day when I do have my DD with me , her name wasn't changed and is quite distinctive. Any thoughts about what to do , we have started using her middle name when out as a pet name. I'm v worried .

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 04/06/2019 13:30

Oh that sounds concerning for you and i can understand your feelings . But hopefully if you are using her middle name she won't pick up on it even if she does see you with her. She will have changed a great deal from the age of one which is another thing to bear in mind. Also she may well move on again if her lifestyle is transient so that may solve the issue for you in time.
Also has she met you ? Would she recognise you at all ? Are the birth family a threat in any way ? What are post adoption saying ( or are they being no use ).
I don't blame you for being spooked . I might be tempted to change her name completely if I was you even though it will be awkward given her age.
Anyway offering a handheld if that helps. X

Original poster

twoblueskies · 04/06/2019 13:37

Thankyou flapjack fairy . Yes a handhold is very welcome , I was hoping she may be visiting the first time but that doesn't seem the case . She hasn't met me but if she hears the name and sees my DD the resemblance to her other children is strong . I don't know what she would do , I have contacted sc but there is no-one to talk to so I have been given no advice

OP posts:

Thepinklady77 · 04/06/2019 14:54

I am going to suggest something radical and I guess only worth considering if you think she is back long term.

We are in n.ireland and here many adoptions have direct face to face contact for the child and adopters a few times a year. I am not going to get into the pros and pluses of this because that is not what this thread is about. What I am going to say is that having regular direct controlled contact takes the fear out of bumping into BM in the street. In N.ireland community is quite small and you are never too far from someone or someone connected to someone. This I believe has been some of the thought process in setting up direct contact. As yet we have not bumped into BM other than at contact, and yes we do to an extent avoid the town she lives in, we have no reason to go there so why would we, but we know she likes to travel so one day we will. This does not scare us. We would likely just spend a few minutes exchanging pleasantries and then move on. Yes BM very much opposed adoption, but over time as we have built a relationship of sorts she has mellowed and admits that adoption was right for the children. So I know she would not make an issue if we met her outside of contact.

I wonder if you are going to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder would you be better facing this head on and having very controlled contact set up with advice from the SW-ers so that you can take the fear of bumping into her with your daughter.

This is just a suggestion and has lots of possible connotations for everyone and not something you will rush into but something you may want to consider.

stucknoue · 04/06/2019 14:58

Even if she has a resemblance to her other children, it's unlikely she will recognise her in the street. Can her name be shortened to make it distinct from her full name. The alternative is you do actually legally change her name but she would need to be involved and have choice

Original poster

twoblueskies · 04/06/2019 15:18

Thankyou for replies , I understand your reasoning about contact but she is a mum who has fought against services and has 6 children removed. She is a very angry lady . Second sighting was 6 miles away , 3 sighting 1 mile away . Our DD name only has two sylables so shortening would be difficult , we are using her middle name more . I'm just worried what if ? And how would I need to protect our DD. We have already prepared older child about leaving places suddenly . Just feeling v anxious and looking for advice x

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 04/06/2019 15:37

As she is 5 she won't be out alone so that isn't something to worry about too much at this stage. All you can really do is
A . Move . Drastic and probably not v practical esp if you have other children to consider as well. Though I have heard of soc Ser paying to relocate a family once when birth family were a high risk.
B . Take all precautions. Legally change name , reinforce security measures with school etc . Make sure no pictures on school website etc etc .
C. Beef up home security. Doors locked, chains on at all times etc.
Hopefully others will have other more useful suggestions to make. X

clairedelalune · 05/06/2019 06:25

I can imagine how scared you are. It would be one of my worst nightmares.
I think step 1 is speak to ss; they might be able to somehow get her moved again. I would certainly use middle name more and more; interchanging it with other name at first and gradually move over. Ask school to do the same; they can call her whatever without needing a legal name change. I've always said i woyld move if this happened, but the reality is much harder. Thinking of you.

Original poster

twoblueskies · 05/06/2019 14:36

Thankyou , we can't move, we have an older child starting secondary that would be really disrupted and we are doing a house up , half finished , no state to sell . I'm really worried and getting no help from social care .

OP posts:

clairedelalune · 05/06/2019 18:35

Is it worth speaking to the police?

clairedelalune · 05/06/2019 18:38

I mean to express concern; they might be able to speak to ss too

Original poster

twoblueskies · 05/06/2019 20:56

I called ss x 4 times. This time I spoke too someone who also shared my concern , she is going to get back to me . We may try to use her middle name more . And be vigilant of course . Just want to protect my girls so.much

OP posts:

ifchocolatewerecelery · 05/06/2019 22:33

Have you contacted other organisations like adoption U.K. for advice and support? They might be able to help you work out a way forward both with possible meetings with birth mum and how to deal with social services.

ac73 · 06/06/2019 10:17

I have pm'd you. Hope you saw it. Thinking of you.

KisstheTeapot14 · 17/06/2019 12:38

OP - how are you going on? Any further advice from anyone? Did you talk to police? Really do feel for you and your family. Hope the birth mum moves on and you can get on with life without looking over your shoulder and watching out for her.

sgnittes · 17/06/2019 13:23

she is a mum who has fought against services and has 6 children removed. She is a very angry lady how do you know that she is very angry? Unless you happen to know this for a fact, she may be battered down by the experiences, or she may have received help and have a different mindset now, or any other possibility.

sgnittes · 17/06/2019 13:28

Also, she still has contact with the other children?

Stinkycatbreath · 18/06/2019 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flapjackfairy · 19/06/2019 07:36

@Stinkycatbreath eh ?

Flip