Managing contact with BM

[Pomegranatepompom]

Adult adoptee (I’ve posted before).
Have had contact with BM for around 5 years, I’m in my 40’s.
She has become more and more demanding about visits (pretty much pleads and doesn’t accept no unless I’m really firm).
I’m considering cutting contact.
I’m happy to visit 3-4 times a year but want no more than this.
She doesn’t seem to be listening, feeling so stressed and frustrated and actually a bit angry. I’ve had an awful childhood and feel she should be happy with the contact she has, which I think mutually gave some resolution.
She called me yesterday and left a message asking me to call her straight back and asked me to visit today, when I replied I couldn’t (work) she was begging me to go in the evening. In the end I said, I have to visit when I want to, not just you want me to. Which probably hurt her feelings which I feel bad about. But I don’t want this pressure and pushing of boundaries.
I was considering writing a letter explaining how I feel.
I feel so sad she’s no awareness about how emotional this is for me. I feel like I’m back to my childhood in some ways when people didn’t always have me best interests at heart.

You need to write the letter and send it. You also need to make it clear that if she continues to violate your boundaries you will stop all contact.

I say this as a BM and someone who has had to set tough boundaries with my own mother due to an abusive childhood .

Sorry I realize that my response sounds firm and possibly rude. Not my intention at all I promise.

You’re right. I feel a bit manipulated and that I’m trying not to hurt her feelings

I am sorry feel this way. I think BPs build an image of a reunion in there heads and struggle when it fails to live up to expectations.

It sounds like your BM could do with some therapy to deal with the feelings. I am guessing though she won't consider it?

Do you think she would accept some kind of mediation or therapy where you could both express your feelings and develop an understanding of each others situations?

Otherwise I think I would be quite firm and say I will see you X times a year but set out when those times will be -before Christmas, around Easter or whenever you choose it to be. Do you think if she knew when meetings were due she woukd back off a bit ?

Before had direct contact we had letter contact via PAC. I had resisted contact for many years but after I had my DC, my feelings changed a bit. Do she has had some soppier with managing her feelings I think.
Tbh I don’t want mediation, I feel I have to finally put myself first (very complex childhood). I do feel guilty though and bizarrely feel bit responsible for her. I hate feeling this obligation.
It feels like I’m in an impossible situation which isn’t my fault.
I feel like I’m a child again (helpless and my feelings come last). I know this will seem irrational, it’s all so emotional.

*so she has had some help with managing her feelings/behaviour

Sorry for typos.

@pom it's not irrational at all.
When ever I speak to my mother I feel like I am 6 years old again desperate for her love and affection that she denied me.

My therapist says it is complete normal when people are affected by attachment.

Any other advice please? I'm really struggling today.

only that you must put yourself first.

Have you had any counselling support yourself? My son in only 14 but at 11/12/13 when we were doing life story work, he had many of the emotions you talk about - he feels very responsible for his dad. He is still very young and there are many difficult conversations to come but doing this work has been so valuable for him.

Write the letter, tell her how you feel, how much you are prepared to give, that you cannot be responsible for her. Get it all out and down on paper. Then decide whether to send it.
I'm sorry you are struggling so much, as an adoptive mum who sees her child grapple with these emotions I really hope you can find a resolution.
ultimately if she cannot accept any boundaries, then you may have to consider whether on going contact is the best thing for you. if it isnt, then don't do it

Unfortunately I had to call her because I sent a text by mistake which would have confused her (not anything to do with this!). She said I sounded better today, it was like she thought I was ill yesterday because I refused to visit.

She didn't really understand/accept that I felt she was pressurising me and said she doesn't .... that she had specific reason why she wanted me to come today (it was really a non existent reason involving fruit !).

She seemed scared I'd cut contact but in the next breath was being a bit manipulative.
I mentioned I would write how I felt as it was difficult to explain in conversation, she said she didn't need this (or doesn't want to hear it??)

Sorry for all the posts and being a bit needy. Really appreciate the replies and advice.

I tried counselling about 15+ years ago but did not continue as I felt time not right for me. Thank you for telling me about your son, sorry he is experience these emotions too.

Your birth mum is drawing you into a relationship in the only way she knows how - I’m guessing a lot of the underlying issues that made her unable to parent are still around for her if she’s not been able to work through her issues.

The only thing you can do is set clear boundaries for yourself which support your health and well-being. You aren’t indebted to her in any way - children don’t owe their parents love, affection or even a relationship if they don’t want one. It’s ok for you to set contact in the way you want and for her to accept that, or not. This stuff will pitch you back into feeling like a child, except now you’re an adult with choice and agency over your life, if it helps think about how someone you know to be assertive would deal with her and try to emulate how they do things. Having a model to copy is no bad thing.

I’m guessing a lot of the underlying issues that made her unable to parent are still around for her if she’s not been able to work through her issues.
It's unlikely that OP's mother couldn't parent 40 years ago because she had 'issues'. More likely she was unmarried and lacking in financial resources.
www.theguardian.com/society/2016/nov/03/catholic-church-apologises-for-role-in-forced-adoptions-over-30-year-period
Having said that, IMHO, and I know that some here dispute this, losing a child in any manner is the worst thing that can befall anyone. That your child is still out there somewhere, creates a particular kind of purgatory. It drives people a bit mad.
Appropriate counselling would be great if it could be found. After a decade in reunion, I've never found it.

Having said that, IMHO, and I know that some here dispute this, losing a child in any manner is the worst thing that can befall anyone. That your child is still out there somewhere, creates a particular kind of purgatory.
I wouldn’t dispute that at all - I can’t imagine what it’s like to loose a child to adoption, knowing the child is out there and not being able to have a relationship with them.

I’m not going to speculate on how the OP came to be adopted, it’s clear her birth mum is struggling with boundaries and the OP feels under pressure to have more of a relationship than she wants to. It’s hard but the OP needs to protect her own well-being first and foremost or she’ll be no help to anyone.

Thank you for the helpful replies. I do feel I need to look after my mental health. I think we both have a lot of unresolved issues, she's a complex person and can be quite negative towards me (once said I wasn't very bright like her !).
I'm reducing contact to 4-5 times a year. I'd prefer none at all but I don't know if I'd eventually regret that so I'll see how the more limited contact goes.
I might write the letter next week so she is really clear about visiting and also not to phone me unless it's an emergency.

I've posted before about the circumstances which were slightly unusual, parents were together but both students and no family support etc. Very complicated situation with sporadic contact until I was 10 and being adopted into a v dysfunctional family unfortunately, although quite traumatic.