My adopted child doesn't see me as her mum .....

[Riley16]

Hi ..... my adopted daughter came home a little under 3 years ago, during that time we have had plenty of ups & downs & there have been times where I have really struggled but I can honestly say I love her more than anything. We do have lots of good times, she makes me laugh more than anyone ever has, she has good relationships with family members & overall we do ok.She is now 11 & the last few weeks have been really trying, we have now thrown puberty into the mix 😲 . Over the weekend she informed me when she is 18 she is going living with BF ( this is the BF who after only writing once through letterbox has decided not to bother anymore, she doesn't know she will be devastated) yesterday we had a lovely calm chat about how we can move forward and get past this rough patch. She said she wanted to be honest but didn't want to hurt me, I told her to always be honest... she said she knows I keep her safe, l look after her & I do everything I can to make her happy but she doesn't see me as her mum & doesn't love me. I'm heartbroken, I know adopting an older child the risk is higher 're attachment & bonding etc but after nearly 3 yrs I felt we'd come a really long way, she obviously doesn't. I'm so confused now & feel like our dynamic have changed & she just sees me as someone looking after her till she's 18 ! Has anyone had any similar experiences ??

18 is still a long time away and she will have been with you for 10 years by then. 3 years is still relatively early days, I wonder if she's testing you a bit to see what your response is. It must be hard for her to believe that forever really is forever. Theres a lot to be said for being the one who is always there and keeps turning up no matter what.

I think she is pushing you hard away to see if you will really go. ( I haven't adopted but one of my siblings was adopted) all you can do is pull her closer and love her more. it might be a very bumpy ride - my sibling had very difficult teen years but knowing that our parents stood by them through all that has given them huge security as an adult.

Riley16 I'm so sorry this musr be very tough.I've not experienced this exactly. My birth daughter is on the autistic spectrum and often in the past it's been to difficult to know if she really understands I love her (she's even said I am not her real mum).

My adopted son has been with us 5 years and went went through a phase of referring to me as his legal mum. All because I explained to a doctor I was not his biological mum.

I think in your shoes I might look into some post adoption support.

I've not experienced your situation.

Opal71 that's an excellent point.

Grasspigeons that's so great that your parents were able to provide that love.

OP

Has she had life story work?

She may have v little understanding of what a mum is of course ! And she is bound to have mixed feelings about attachment and guilt in the mix. It must have been v hard to hear but I wouldnt read too much into it.
At the end of the day our job as parents is to give our children the love and care they need. You are doing that in spades so press on and just keep on accepting her as she is. Three years is not long and at the end of the day the final chapter is not written.
Don't be disheartened the fact that she was able to discuss this with you tells you a lot about your relationship x

That must be very hard for you to hear. My son was an older child , nearly 8 when he came home. 10/11 through to 13 was a very tricky time for us, mostly around birth family issues, thow in the usual teenage angst and you have a heady mix there.

I agree she is probably testing you out but that she is able to tell you her feelings says a lot about your relationship. 18 is a long way a away, she is still very young, she has time to learn what love really is, and that it can take many forms.
We had theraputic life story work, it was the hardest thing I've been through with my son, it was traumatic for both of us, he had to face up to the realities of his history, I had to watch his pain knowing I couldnt fix it for him. But we came out the other side to a good place. He is 15 in a few weeks. I am very hopeful for the future.
I think in your shoes this is what I would be looking at. She has some hard truths to learn about her birth family. She will have other perspectives as she matures.
In one sense all any parent does is look after a child until they reach adulthood, all we can do is be there when they go into the world and find that they still need us. Carry on being that safe harbour and see where it takes you.

Thank you so much for all your replies and support, there are definitely some really good points and so many positives, thanks. She has therapy weekly but we haven't started on life story work yet, her therapist says she is not ready & needs to be more secure, which he is obviously right about with the recent comments/behaviour.
I think she will then have to learn some hard truths about birth family - you're absolutely right.
And I agree her past experience of a "mum" with BM could not be more different than me as a mum, so for her it's hard to put the same label on us both.
I really appreciate quite a few of you saying it's encouraging she can be so open & honest with me about her feelings, I hadn't thought of it that way.
She has carried on as normal since we had the chat, telling me about school, pushing her luck at bedtime life has just carried on. So I guess that's encouraging too.
I suppose because I can't remember life before her I feel she has always been here but as pointed out 3 years is still very early days. Thank again everyone. X

Have you heard of NATP, the national association of therapeutic parenting, they have a free Facebook group called therapeutic parenting and they should be able to help. Also consider contacting adoption U.K. for advice. How long has she been having therapy for? I was on a course about therapeutic life journey work and the trainer said many of our kids learn to play the therapists at their own game. I have also met other trainers who think we place to much emphasis on therapy and not enough on life journey work. I think you need to be having some conversations pinning down why he thinks she's not ready and how he will know when she is ready. There is a 4 year study being released next month showing the massive positive impact that therapeutic life journey work has on children and their behaviour. Unfortunately I can't remember what it's called and will have to look it up.

I do agree that the kids can manipulate the therapy sessions but he has been supporting & advising me around therapeutic parenting. We were initially linked with a different therapist but I sourced another who we felt more comfortable with. A lot of what they do is based around therapeutic play, she has been going for approx 7 months. The original therapist worked very different to the 1 we see now ( I know someone who uses them) and I'm glad I changed.

Sorry meant to add, she will be having therapeutic life story work with her therapist.

Good luck, you sound like a great mum.

Not an adoption story but my daughter once said to me "It's not that I don't love you Mummy, it's just I love Daddy more" Children don't really understand what saying these things means to a parent.

Honestly, if she trusts you enough to have these sort of conversations with you without fearing that you'll reject and punish her then I'd say that is love. She might not recognise that that's what she's feeling but what else would you call it?

My father is not my birth father and I used to wonder if he and I would feel the same if he were. Would he treat me the same? Would something be different? I will never know and our children will never know. They need to see that we as parents never doubt the relationship though. I have told my children that they have two mums and dads, but I only have them. I don't have a second set of children. They are it for me and they are the best thing that ever happened to me. If things go well, our children will understand that what we have is wonderful and that's what counts. Give your daughter time. She has not even spend half her life with you yet.

In case you haven't, I would start having conversations about birth families and why children cannot be with them. You could read Tracy Beaker for instance, who fantasizes a lot about her birth mother.

I would also try to think about the birth family more in terms of "can't" instead of "won't" to not add to her feelings of rejection later on.

I was adopted as a child, and there is so much confusion that I found came out around puberty. You already have the pubescent workings out to do and on top of that there are all these emotions and experiences you're trying to process - it can be so confusing. I just want to reassure you as a now-adult who went through adoption that, despite a tricky relationship with my adoptive parents in my teens, I have a brilliant relationship with them now.

As a child and teenager, even into adulthood, it can be so hard to believe anyone would want to love you and stick around for you because there is this shame inside you from knowing the person who society tells you is meant to love you more than anything else couldn't look after you. You can feel it was because of you. As your daughter continues in therapy, this is likely to improve a huge amount. The experience of you being reliable and there for her will make a huge difference. It also helps as you grow out of the black/white associations of childhood and begin to understand your birth parents had difficult things happen to them that shaped their ability to keep children safe and parent. I have grieved as much for my birth parent's difficulties as for mine, but that's a positive in many ways because when I began to do that I began understanding it was not 'about me' and I need not be ashamed. The idea your birth parents would take you back can, in many ways, be a safety net before you reach a level where you're able to adjust your view because it stops you blaming yourself for them being unable to care for you. It also allows you to imagine they are happy somewhere. The idea they are not happy and safe or that they might not keep you safe (even though you know this deep down) is so painful, it's easier to imagine going back to them.

There can also be a deep yearning to know more about where you came from and why you are who you are. That can bring feelings that you wish to return to your birth family to understand more about it and, as an 11 year old, that can feel just like wishing to return to them because you haven't processed it enough or questioned it enough to work out why you want that.

As others have said, terms used can also be a bit confusing. Others at school don't have birth parents and adoptive parents and that can cause confusion. Also many children when I was small accidentally used the term 'real mum' rather than 'birth mum' because they were young and didn't understand. I think that can make you question 'which is real'? Even though the answer is both, in different ways and for very different reasons. A lot of children assume you will be reunited in the future as they don't understand the difference between foster and adoption, so if friends at school know it's possible a passing comment has triggered some thoughts. It's also very possible she's just thinking it over herself and processing it. I definitely think the life history will help process everything and, after some tough work, bring about some clearer views for her.

I'm not trying to say your daughter definitely feels those things, but they are common things for adopted children to feel and say. Trust can be such an issue when you've been let down by those who were supposed to protect and care for you, and not only that but also been cared for by multiple people, but it can absolutely be built - it's just a slow process. As others have said, she loves you enough to talk to you about it and that shows a good level of trust even though it hurts to hear. It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job.

@Magpiesong what a lovely post. I can see much of what you say in my son's path to acceptance of his story. He is nearly 15 now and has some ways to go but he is getting there.

I think this can be an especial challenge for older children (she came to you aged 8 from what you have written?) with clearer memories of 'before you'.

Before DD's birth mother died I had to remind myself sometimes that we were not in competition (it helped that she was supportive of my role as 'other mother') - most children have two parents and love them both and have a different relationship with them both.

After all, 2/3 of her life happened before you became 'Mum'. I have read - and it fits with our experience - that becoming a family comes in cycles and with traditions. Every day you are there, you make sure she is safe, has enough food, is comforted if she needs it, has clean clothes etc. Every birthday, Xmas, other special occasions becomes a time when you, as a family 'always' does XYZ. Gradually this will become a bigger and bigger percentage of her life.

Every developmental step means working through it all again, with a slightly different perspective, with different triggers (one friend, adopted by her step-father, only felt the loss of her birth father when pregnant herself, and being asked questions about family medical issues.

Puberty is a really tough one - DD2 has had regular respite with me since aged 2, and hardly any contact with her birth mother since then, and was adopted by me at 5. She recently had a few days of intense unhappiness and missing birth mother, for the first time ever. I am sure hormones are part of that, but also reaching a more mature understanding of what she has lost (especially as her first mum died unexpectedly a few years ago, she has no choice or chance to get to know her or ask questions in the future).

Try not to be too upset or worried, although that is easier to say than to follow! It sounds as if you do have a trusting connection with her, and she has the emotional skills to unpick and articulate her feelings. From what you have written you are already her 'safe base' - that will increase with time. Your joint memories and traditions will increase with time.

@Ted27 So glad it was useful, though so tough for your son working it out and for you as his parent. I think so many of these things are so common when you've been through trauma and/or adoption as a child and, really, SS don't often offer huge amounts of support for adoptive parents. In many ways, these things don't get talked about enough. They're talked about during assessment, but after that families have to muddle through together. It definitely takes time to work through it all and, as Allington says, each life step seems to bring new thoughts around it, but it is so possible to find that settled feeling - even when as a teenager you feel it never will be (and you're poor parents probably feel like they've made mistakes and are totally out of their depth). My husband and I are concentrating on setting up a really firm foundation as a family at the moment and working towards applying for adoption in years to come, though to look at me as a teenager you'd never have thought I'd make it to this point.

@Riley16, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.

I'm adopted and found it really hard to get my head around as I moved through my teenage years. To be honest, I still struggle with it now and I'm in my 50s.

FWIW, you sound great Riley and I think you know you just have to roll with this. She's 11 and will change her mind a million times between now and when she is 18 about what she is going to do. Keep listening and trying not to judge and she will value your constancy and support, whatever she decides to do when she is 18.

You poor thing, OP! I can imagine that your first reaction would to be heartbroken by this information, but your daughter is still a traumatized little girl with memories of her past and carrying around a bruised little soul. She will be defending her inner child at whatever cost. I am not adopted, but was raised by a physically and psychologically brutal mother. I used to fantasize about her dying horribly and then quake in fear in case she did. Her feelings towards her past will be polarized and will be used to reflect what’s going on around her, and her agenda at the time as well. I am so pleased you have found a therapist that you both feel comfortable with. Do you have one for you as well? You sound amazing, OP! Adopting an older kid is not something to be taken lightly and giving love to this girl whether she knows it or not is not a waste of you. Big hugs and great respect!!!

It sounds like you're doing your best for her, but it's only natural that she wants to be with her birth family, providing they want her. All I'm saying is, just be prepared as a high percentage find their birth family, especially the older children that were adopted against their parents wishes, and were loved by their family and they still remember being at home with them.

Zombie thread ,!