Doubts about match

[newbie700]

Hi all,

We are currently in the matching phase of the adoption process. We recently had a visit in relation to a 1 year old girl. The social workers who visited liked us and would like to progress.
However a couple of things came up during the visit that we weren't expecting. Firstly we were informed the baby had been with one foster carer from birth. However during the visit they told us she actually unexpectedly moved placement very suddenly some months ago. They did not share this info prior to the visit despite speaking on the phone with my social worker about several questions we had.

We have asked for further detail about the circumstances and apparently we are not allowed to know what happened, but it was not to do with the level of care being provided.

The other surprise was that the baby's hair colour is actually red rather than 'blonde' as stated in the profile. The pics in her profile were out of date of her as a younger baby, but we saw some up to date photos during the visit. My husband is fine with the fact she has red rather than blonde hair, but I was a little surprised and have some concerns that it will be something that makes it obvious she is not our birth child and will draw comments and questions.

We had relatively little information about the child before the visit due to the nature of the background. It feels as though you are expected to make a completely life changing decision based on a couple of photos which are out of date. Now we have progressed this far it feels wrong to back out, but I can't help feeling uncertain. The social worker for the child will not share the up to date photos with us, as they 'don't do that', so we have only looked at them on a mobile phone briefly during the visit. The closed nature of the communication is making me feel they also have more to hide, along with the change of foster carer/lack of information about what happened. They have been very slow in responding to emails etc and say it will take 3 months to progress to panel.

I am not sure if I am being irrational but I feel a little as if I have lost confidence in the child's social workers.

Has anyone experienced any of these issues before or has any advice?
Thank you all in advance for your help.

There are drugs and alcohol in the mix in terms of the background. I am also now concerned the alcohol issue has been played down in the report/information based on other information having been witheld...

Hi

The red hair - It's no one else's business if she was adopted or not. My LA also didn't show us pictures because they don't want you to choose a child based on looks.

We are a gay couple, I have red hair and my partner is Asian. I'm sure people will have questions about the origin of the child but that's our business only.

You'll probably find very little info on the CPR reports if the child is around 1. I'm going to matching panel soon for a child around the same age, and the report we received had very little info on the child and a lot of info on the parents and their history.

In terms of drugs and alcohol. I doubt they play down the effects. If it's mentioned, it's mentioned for a reason. The LA will probably have a hard time finding how often the birth mum drank whilst pregnant. They do lie. But if it's mentioned then she has had some. I'm not sure if this was covered in your prep days but the effects, if they do happen...can be very serious.

You should get to see the childs doctor and ask questions at some point.

Firstly you shouldnt feel railroaded into any match, you are barely into the matching processs, its ok to say you arent happy and dont want to proceed.

Dont worry about the hair, I have friends with a birth child with red hair, neither of them do, its just hair colour and may well darken as she gets older anyway. But as hitchy says its no ones business anyway. Im white, my son is black, Im sure Ive raised an odd eyebrow but nonone really notices. Questions are more likley to stem from you rocking up with a one year old.
FC could have changed for any number of reasons, not because of something to do with the baby, if its personsal issue for the FC then you wouldnt know.
I wonder what information you were expecting to receive at this point. If you decide to pursue the match, its likely that you will get more information. Its still ok to pull out.
But I think you need to be realistic. You know there is alcohol and drugs in the background, you will need to understand the possible implications of that, but the impact on the child may not be known for several years. Adoption is a gamble, the younger the child, the less will be known.

Making a decision/commitment is so hard but it sounds like you haven't even met the foster carer yet so don't put too much pressure on yourself to be certain either way just yet.

Like above posters have said hair colour is of no significance. The reasons for moving from 1 foster carer to another is something that will need to be in the child's lifestory book so just ask the SW how this will be addressed. The main things is she wasn't harmed. It could have been for lots of reasons. My auntie and uncle were foster carers. My uncle was in a car crash with life altering injuries and the children had to move because my auntie needed to look after him. The SW probably just didnt know how to explain things without sharing FCs personal info. The main thing is the child wasn't harmed. They would have no reason to lie about this.

IMHO 3 months to panel is standard, not slow at all. Slow responses to emails is annoying but the important thing is you are getting responses. I really don't see what it is that has made you loose confidence in the SW?

With most children there is reference to drugs/alcohol in reports. I assume at some point you will meet with a medical professional but in all honestly if there are no problems presenting now you will simply be told that uncertainties exist (which I assume you already know). This will be the same with almost all young children.

As for the photos I think most adoption teams have a policy of not giving prospective adopters actual copies photos of the child until much later in the process as you are not matched yet.

I think most of your feelings are completely normal. It's a nerve wracking process. If it doesnt feel right you should definately pull out but like other posters have said you need to be realistic- don't expect to find a different one year old with more certainty and a speedier SW as it's very unlikely. Do you have your own social worker to talk to?

Our DS came to us partially due to his ethnicity being similar to our make up (one biological parent is dark and the other very light and I am mixed Asian/white and my partner is white). We expected him to look similar to me, due to this. However he has blond hair and blue eyes - I know when I’m out with him on my own it’s obvious he’s not genetically mine, but people don’t tend to ask questions like that. Me and my partner are gay so it’s pretty obvious he’s adopted - but people still don’t tend to ask questions about it without the information being volunteered first...

I suppose I’m sure we get looks and sometimes people make insensitive comments, but most of those are actually to do with being a male child carer............ rather than adoption.

I suppose that there is always a massive element of risk. It seems as though every CPR says children ‘may’ have had drug/alcohol in uterine, and this could amount to a massive impact, or social workers can pretty much feel as though it didn’t happen, but they put it there to cover their backs almost as they can’t prove for certain...

We only found out the full picture at his first review... 3 months after he came to live with us!

I agree with everyone else about the uncertainties, photos and panel timings. On the hair colour issue, DD1 looks very like me, DD2 looks nothing like me at all. I do think it was part of the reason that I took longer to really see her as my child. She seemed so alien. In the long term though, for me it's no longer an issue. The match has to feel right for you, but I do wonder if you have the matching fear, rather than this being about the wee one herself.

Red hair is a recessive gene and usually skips a generation - I’m the only one of 5 siblings to have red hair and neither of my parents had red hair, it happens.

At this early matching stage you’ll be given very limited information because, if you decide not to go ahead, you’d be sitting with a lot of information about a little one (and their birth parents, and potentially foster carers) that you don’t need.

Information tends to be shared incrementally, so if “this” all seems ok we’ll talk about the next bit, if that seems ok we’ll do the next bit. You’re pretty early days into the process and can walk away at any time - I’d be having a careful think though about the realities of children waiting to be adopted.

Most will have been exposed to drugs and alcohol in the womb, and knowledge about the extent of that is likely to be estimated at best because birth mums aren’t often honest about the extent of their substance misuse (usually because they’re scared their child will be removed, or because they simply don’t remember/aren’t aware of just how much they’ve been using). As the process moves forward you’ll meet the child’s paediatrician who will tell you if the baby was treated for neonatal abstinence/withdrawal and likely prognosis. Understandabley private medical information isn’t shared easily so they need some sense that you’re committed to this child before going in to too much detail.

It’s not unusual for children to move around in foster care, you said this part of the process has taken 3 months and you were told the baby moved a couple of months ago. It’s entirely possible that when you started the process the baby was still with original foster carers and has been moved since. At that age the circumstances are most likely to relate to a change in foster carers circumstances and, hard as it is, you have no right to their private information. What is your concern about them having been moved?

I found the matching process the most stressful part of things, it’s hard to make life changing decisions on limited information but, by the time the baby is placed with you, you should know much much more, the information will come in steps and stages. It’s difficult but try to remember you’re just one part of a very complex jigsaw, social workers need to balance your need for information with the child’s right to privacy, the birth families privacy and the needs of foster carers especially because you can walk away at any time. It’s a huge balancing act.

Totally agree with everyone. Especially Pastnowfuture

"It's a nerve wracking process. If it doesnt feel right you should definately pull out but like other posters have said you need to be realistic- don't expect to find a different one year old with more certainty and a speedier SW as it's very unlikely."

What are your fears around the move of foster carer? I know fewer moves ate better but sometimes it Cannot be helped.

Our son doesn't look like me but strangely look a very like his cousin (my nephew). No one ever says anything.

Drugs and alcohol regularly play a part in adoptees past so this is something you should've been prepared for during the meetings and procedures leading up to you being accepted as adopters.

I remember before I had my birth child that I was interested about hair colour but it's absolutely irrelevant. Both parents have to have the red gene to produce a red head (even if neither parents have red hair themselves) so this can crop up with birth parents. It's a massive deal to become parents and I feel you may be stuck on this point because the bigger picture is a lot to process. Hair colour does not matter.

Children are moved between fosterers for numerous reasons - could be safe guarding the other foster children, the fosterers, could be something as simple as geography! So again, if they assure you it's not relevant information then you need to trust them.

I think maybe you're having a bit of a wobble which is normal in birth and adoption parentage! Parenting is hard at times but accepting everything about the child is non negotiable. This child comes with a (for lack of a better term!) personalised handbook in some ways which a lot of birth mothers wished was readily available to them!!

I am a trans-racial adopter. My daughters look nothing like me, though in fact DD2 has paler skin so could be a biological child. Yes, there are some questions we could avoid if we looked similar, but this is minor compared to how similar we are with humour, worldview and commitment. We are an extreme example, but are so happy to have each other. Once they are your children these things don't matter a jot

Allington lovely post and so true.

We are also a transracial adoptive family. If people meet me with my kids, they assume my husband belongs to an ethnic minority. On the other hand I have been told I look similar to my dad, who is biologically unrelated to me. People see similarities where they want to see them.

The thing is, this girl (or any other adopted child) is not your birth child and you need to embrace that fact. You will be different from birth families. You will have conversations they don't have, new family members you might never meet but who will still be part of your life via your child, you will wonder about her behaviour and her history and never know for sure and you will have to guide her through her search for identity. When we adopted I didn't anticipate, how much the adoption would feature in my day to day life. Adoption is not a moment in time, but an ongoing process and it is important to be at peace with that.

As others have said, at this young age it is impossible to make any predictions about this child's future. You would have to adopt a school-aged child to have more certainty about potential issues. You should get more information though. Ask how much the mother drank before the pregnancy. Apparently that is a good indicator for how much she drank during. It is all highly individual though. One of my daughters was born addicted and I don't think it has had any effect on her. We also waited 3 months for panel. That is standard, I think.

Fab post Yolande

The ways they do become like you are interesting though. My son has taken up a lot of my mannerisms, turns of phrase, we don't live in my home city of Liverpool but we visit a lot and he is a passionate Scouser. We have a lot of interests in common. So in many ways we are alike and the fact that we look nothing like each other doesnt really matter.

One of my friends has non identical twin boys. One is the image of her, the other the image of her husband, coincidentally with ginger hair. If you put them all in a room with a bunch of random strangers, you would definitely pick out 'her' son and 'his' son but you wouldnt make the connection with the other twin. So it can happen with birth families as well

Yolande7 lovely post.

@newbie700 How settings going?

Our son was three when he came to us. But due to his closeness to four it meant he would go to school not that long after he came to us.

When i realised this, I was very sad. I knew I would not have long to be the mum with a little one before he went to school.

We have a birth daughter and I had wanted another child for several years.

I realised if we said 'yes' y2o the match with our son he would be four and at school before long.

But the idea of not being his mum at all was much worse than the fact I would not have as long at how with him before school.

I had to miss out on a couple of pre school years with him to avoid missing out on him altogether.

Ask for as much info as you can, meet as many relevant people as you can, and in the end it is a leap of faith. You will not concretely 'know' either way but you have to feel comfortable with your choice either way.