Can you say you'd prefer to adopt a DC without SN?

[Sauvignoninthesun]

Hi,

I've been trying to find a way of putting this without sounding offensive, but tbh, it doesn't seem to be possible, but I need to be open and honest.

We are a ss couple and are wanting to extend our family. Was considering sperm donation, but then recently remembered how much I liked the idea of adoption before I had my DC (with ex- straight relationship)

Something which was always a concern, was the likelihood of the DC having some form of additional needs. I feel very uncomfortable saying this, but it would still be a concern.

If we were were to say this at the application stage, would that be it? Would we automatically not be considered?

Thanks

I think you can say something along those lines, and certainly towards the end of stage 2 I hD to complete a hideous yes/no form for the children I would be able to consider. You can also turn down any matches that you don't feel are right. The thing is though, so many children who are adopted do have Sen, but just weren't diagnosed at time of adoption. In my circle of adoptive friends, who all did fta, all of the children have some additional needs. Some very mild but others more severe. They are our babies though and their needs are just a small part of who they are.

Hiya, it's not for me to second guess what an adoption agency/social worker might say, but here's some food for thought:

Special needs covers a massive spectrum of possible difficulties and health conditions. I think you need to perhaps do some research and be more specific.

If you had a birth child who turned out to have additional needs what would you do? Your answer to this would be quite important (I think)

Both birth and adopted children can end up needing extra support for a mind boggling number of reasons. There will ALWAYS be a level of uncertainty,but it's well documented that adopted children are much more likely to present with things like FAS, ASD, attachment issues the list goes on. Many things don't manifest until a child is older,so adopting a baby hitting all of their milestones is also no guarantee that they won't have SN.

In your position (and I think it's good that you're being so honest,because the adoption process demands this of you) I'd perhaps think about attending an information evening locally to get a clearer idea of the kind of children who are waiting.

Good luck!

Thank you both, for being so kind. I was honestly reading the replies through my fingers

My DC actually has mild (undiagnosed) SN. It has been very tricky at times, I'm not going to lie and so whereas I am no stranger to these kind of challenges, I worry that having two DC's with SN might mean I'm over stretched and not enough for either.

No judging here! I'd dearly love to adopt another child but worry so much about the potential impact of another child's Sen on my son & being spread to thinly so to speak!

Hi OP, without wishing to be the bad fairy here, I’ll be honest and say it’s really unlikely that you would be able to adopt a child who is totally untainted by their (most likely poor) in utero experience (think the toxic trio of drugs, alcohol and domestic violence as the most common reasons why babies and children are legally separated from their birth families).

As part of your home study process (this may be called something different now as I’m 11 years in), you will be asked to complete a tick list of the types of babies/children you might be prepared to consider; be warned, it’s a fairly brutalising checklist ie ‘product of rape’, tick yes or no, ‘child born of incest’, tick yes or no.

I know that adoption is for the most part a triumph of hope over experience, but I would caution that I do not personally know a single adoptive family (and I’m a proactive and experienced adopter who loves to network) that has not been affected by some sort of beyond-the-norm issue with their children, be it health-wise, educationally or socially and behaviourally.

Without wishing to be critical or rude, there are many adopters on this forum whose adoption journey is in its infancy, maybe one, two, three or four years in. I’d suggest you get yourself over to the AdoptionUK forums to hear how it’s been for those who’ve been in the game for 10, 11, 12, 13 and so in years.

As a point of illustration, my easy, no-needs, no health concerns baby, placed at 1, has just been certified legally blind. No one, least of all me, was expecting that. But it would seem that her birth mother’s drug misuse while pregnant left my daughter’s optic nerves irreparably damaged. The same kid aced her 11+ exam and will be heading off to an amazing grammar school this September with specially modified laptops and other electrical equipment that will help her access the education that is most appropriate for her ability and aptitude. Even then, I’ve had to battle the local authority, shamefully, my child’s placing authority, to provide the home-school transport to which she is legally entitled on a number of grounds because it would be cheaper to send her to the local comprehensive!

None of us knows how things will pan out for us as an adoptive family but I always figure that it’s better to be prepared than surprised, because even being prepared for the inevitable sh*t doesn’t actually make it any easier to deal with!

Having said all that, I’m a single adoptive parent to two amazing daughters and

Is impossible too predict SEN issue for ANY CHILD Adopted or other wise. But with the advance of technology , Genetic profiling and such think its perhaps just a matter of time be fore this becomes it may be a standard procedure at birth. Have some children who have rare Genetic issues. Have been Genetic profiled and are on National Genetic Genome's register , if are any research breakthroughs which will be beneficial too them in the future they will be of the 1st too Know, also the findings enabled us too access early help and support with diagnosis.

what moominmomma said!

My son was nearly 7 when he came to me, so I was very aware of his needs -Autism and a learning difficulty. He will be 15 in July. Life is not always easy, but we have made a good life, and whilst he is not academically gifted, he is doing GCSEs at mainstream school. He is a fairly ordinary teen these days. He is reasonably independent and would be more so if I let him. He thinks I'm overprotective but he is still vulnerable.
I think you need to look ahead and think about the 10/11+ years where things can go off the rails for many adopters. We had a very tricky time from 10 to 13, fortunately we had excellent theraputic support and came out the other side. I'd say our biggest problems now are really about his history and birth family rather than the ASD.
I would think very carefully about how you would express yourself to an SWs. No one wants to take on more than they can handle, but saying no additional needs would take you out consideration of vast numbers of children looking for families. And as has been pointed out, with very young children, issues are unlikley to be known.
Adoption is a scary business, its a gamble, but most of us bumble along

You get the opportunity to say 'yes', 'no' or 'would consider' when it comes to 'choosing'. We did say no to a lot of things, and it was hard but you have to be honest with what you can and can't deal with.

Our LO 'might' of had HIV/Hep, and had to have a blood test after he was 1, which was also after the adoption order had been granted. We were fine with this as we'd said yes to blood borne viruses.

Do your research too, a lot of 'issues' are manageable, and for us if our LO had HIV/Hep we would have been fine. He didn't though, so all good.

We always said if we had a birth child we would have to deal with whatever condition they had. If our LO develops something later in life then we'll deal with it. We are his parents and we love him, so of course we will!

My niece was diagnosed with cancer at 1 years old, and then had to have chemo for a year. She is my sisters birth child. And we all just dealt with it.

Whether it's a birth or adopted child you just get on with it.

There is a greater risk that the child 'may' have something caused by drinking/drugs etc, but they also might not. Our LO is almost 2, came home at 6 months, and he has no problems. But if he does develop something we will just deal with it if and when it happens. ☺

I would say the thing you need to really look at is even if the adopted child is 'fine' they will need a lot of attention, will be demanding, may have attachment issues so push you away/be clingy etc. It's not just the physical you have to deal with, it's the psychological. Will you and your existing child be able to deal with that too?

the problem with those yes no lists is you just won't know if a baby or very you g child has ASD, ADHD, or a myriad other things common to adoptive children

older children have more certainty but then you may have to wait a while depending on how old your birth child is

They will often go through a list of SEN and you say whether or not you could handle it. There is no judgement. They do ask that you remember there is always a chance of undiagnosed SEN etc and ask you to consider how you would cope with that if it arose in a child you adopted.

When we adopted we said we wanted children who would be able to live independently in adulthood as a marker for the degree of additional need we felt able to deal with. We’re 2 years in and our DC were 4 and 6 when placed, both children have additional support needs which sometimes are more apparent than at other times. My DD has a developmental delay and needs a lot of emotional and social support which will increase as she approaches puberty and teenage years.

But, life is good - we’re a family and they bring so much joy and laughter to our lives. It’s worth really considering what you mean by SEN because all adopted children need some level of additional support, it’s all a matter of degree.

I’m glad you’re thinking about this as an option, there are so many children that need a home. However, I’m sure you know already that adopted children need a huge amount of care, consistency and presence - more so than other children. You may find that this in itself means you become too thinly spread between the DC. Equally (without knowing what SEN your DC have!) it may be that the change for them in adopting another DC is a big enough upheaval to increase their need for you too.

I can see where you are coming from, 3 of our ACs have Down Syndrome so SEN was not a problem but I state we were not able to cope with challenging behaviour (how naive we were! but it was a time ago)
SWs were fine with it but we were happy to have any child with complex health needs. We have been so
lucky like jelly our life is full of joy and laughter.
Personally I feel you should be honest. Good luck.