32 weeks pregnant and want to put baby for adoption

[Mummyshark92]

So I wanted an abortion after finding my partner had been cheating on me while I was pregnant and struggling already with my own mental health. Unfortunately I let family and the partners opinions stop me from going down the abortion route and there was what felt like a lot of pressure and that I was the worst person in the world if I was to abort. As times moving on through the pregnancy, Im not feeling the pregnancy at all and growing more resentful at the fact I know this isn't right for me or for the baby. I already have two children and in a financial mess and it's just not stable to bring another child right now. But the problem im having is everyone else is telling me il change my mind when the babys born and its just hormones and the dad is set against adoption but can't take care of the child on his own and doesn't even have anywhere to take the baby once it's been born even if I did let him just take it. I litteraly feel trapped and used for a baby (partner didn't think he could have kids) and just feel very on my own and dont know who to talk to. Has anyone any advise or been in a similar situation?

Hi OP,
First of all hugs. What a stressful place to be in.
I agreed to the adoption for my two DDs but, it's not really the same as mine involved child protection proceedings. I think it might be difficult to place a child for adoption if the father doesn't consent unless you have a court proceeding. however, I would ring social services and get some advice.

I will be honest with you OP. It is by far one of the hardest and heartbreaking things I have gone through. There are so many milestones to deal with and anniversary's to face. Also dealing with the stigma of being a birth parent. Even though most members of this forum have been kind. However, I am not you and you know what is right for you and your baby.

@Mummyshark92 that must be terribly hard. I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I hope someone else will come along with better advice but in the meantime I think you should speak to your health visitor. You should have one even if you have not met her (or him yet) or perhaps your midwife.

Tell them the situation and ask who to talk to.

I'm an adopter with a birth child of 14 and an adopted child of 8. So I have not been through the process but my best estimation is they will work with you to see what is best.

The situation is very complicated.

You may still be the best person for your bsby but with added support. If you really feel you cannot cope someone else will be there to parent your baby and you can perhaps navigate things in a way that is kindest to you all.

If you already know the father has no home to take the baby to then you know it's unlikely he'd be able to take the child. He has had months to think about this and if he was serious about taking care of the baby, presumably, he would have found a place to live. What does he think is going to happen when baby is born?

Would you expect him to be able to care for the baby if he has a home? If not, you do need to explore what would be best for baby.

I cannot imagine how hard this is for you.

I'm not going to try to talk you into keeping the baby, except to say please be open to that as a possibility and don't allow others in the family to control you.

Think, maybe, about what would need to change for you to feel able to keep the baby? And if not what you would want to happen?

Wouod you need...

Support?
Finances?
Mental health care?
It will help you to know what you need and what may be possible even if you still decide to relinquish baby for adoption.

If you cannot care for baby initially then foster carer/s will be needed. I've no idea how tgis all works if your ex opposes adoption. But right now you need to start talking to professionals so they know you are in a very difficult position, baby's dad doesn't seem able to assist in a realistic way (where is he living?) And you already have two children.

Please talk to professionals, be open minded and VERY kind to yourself.

Xxxxx

I cross posted with darkriver19886. I think it is really useful to hear from others whose children have been adopted. They can really help and yes to ringing social services. My post rather pussy-footed around! Xxx Xxx

I have no experience of a situation such as yours; but you have to do what is right for you and your baby, do not let anyone try to influence you. It is your decision to make.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, and wish you well.

Sorry when you said "...the dad is set against adoption but can't take care of the child on his own and doesn't even have anywhere to take the baby once it's been born even if I did let him just take it."

I assumed he was homeless or rather living in a place where he cannot take a baby (such as a friend's house). Is that right?

If he and family have pressurised you to keep the baby are any relatives offering to care for baby?

So as it currently stands the father is still living in the family home, although the house has recently just been put up for sale(private rented) hes not got family to go to and wasnt cruel enough to chuck him out on the streets and its not the case of his opinion doesn't count as he is the father, but putting in to perspective and thinking about what's best for this child, I know that's not me given me current state and well as much as he's not an awful dad, he's not exactly stable enough to bring a child up on his own and won't cope, he couldn't cope when both of is were parenting our youngest together I.e on the PlayStation instead of watching the 1 year old while I'm at work with accidents happening like her getting hold of cleaning chemicals and putting them in her mouth and him not picking up broken glass that's she's walking on.puttimg that a side of then have to think of the impact it would have him coming to pick the other children up and him turning up with the baby, I really wouldn't want that,so there would defo be a lot to figure going down that route anyway . Iv had a lot of shrug of the shoulders from friends and professionals as to how I'm feeling . I'm currently in therapy as it stands and on antidepressants. I have seen a prenatal psychiatrist twice now and both times been told I'm just a bit sad and have a lot going on. Tryd speaking to the midwife briefly but got the same sort of respons as I did from the psychiatrist. I'm suppose to have a support worker and iv only seen her once and she's fully aware of whats going on with how I'm feeling and a mixture of other things that are going on in my life and she's cancelled on 5 or 6 different occasions in the last 2 months. So as you can imagine as fast as I'm asking for help and support iv felt that iv had the door slammed in my face. I will try giving social services a call and see how they may be able to help or what to advice. Thank you to all who have responded and not left me hanging.

Deffo give children's social care a call. they will probably have a chat and then arrange for someone to come out to see you to discuss. It is complicated if the dad is saying no, but he wont have PR until the birth is registered.. obviously it still makes it more complicated in the long run.

That all sounds so difficult.

I think if you really do want to relinquish the baby social services will have to respond properly. You could at least ask about an open-style adoption where you or the baby's dad might have limited contact. Tgis is incredibly rare (I think) in England but more common in other parts of the UK. I don't know what it is like in other countries.

Good luck.

I know this isnt what you want to hear but from what you shared on here it sounds like you need to distance yourself from him. Social services will have concerns.

I totally agree with darkriver19886. If he has looked after your kids and not been aware of dangers like cleaning products or glass etc it looks bad. When you say one year old do you mean a step child for him?

Also I understand regarding mental health. A lack of support led to a major breakdown which led to my daughter's being in care. It wasn't until the court proceedings had finished when I started to get proper support.

I now see a private therapist paid out of my pip.

OP I really hope all will work out.

the younger child is his biological child, the eldest not biologically his but he stepped up and hes the only dad she knows. Sadly he's the lights on no ones home sort of person and since I ended thing he had been to the doctors and getting treatment for his anger and therapy separately to help with his "issues" which is good. I'm just overall trying to be realistic for everyone and think about what's for the best and just needed opinions and some input like youv all given me and really appreciate it. Obviously there is a lot more to this whole story but I'd be writing a book if I got in to it lol thank you for no one judging me

How are you feeling today @Mummyshark92