Initial home visit - we have to wait 14 days?

[wannabemum64]

DP and I are worried because after our home visit we didn't get the okay to go ahead with the ROI, the social worker said she will talk with her manager and we will find out in 2 weeks if we can proceed. Has anyone else had this before?

The reason is because of DP's history of depression which sparks from a traumatic event in her own childhood. She's been on medication for a few years and has also had CBT which was really helpful. She explained that she knows the signs now and knows when to ask for help, we have a good support network and her work is also really good and understanding. She's in a good place now, and is able to see how the challenges she has faced have also helped her become the strong person she is. Although I am worried that I didn't sound supportive enough because I made a stupid joke (it's what I do when I'm nervous!).

Now I am doubly worried because of something in my medical history which I didn't disclose - not on purpose, just because I had forgotten about it! When I was doing my PhD my supervisor suggested I get checked out for ADHD. I went to the GP who referred me to a specialist but after taking a history and talking to me he said I don't have any of the symptoms and I was discharged. Looking back I wish I hadn't listened to my supervisor. Even though I procrastinated, missed deadlines and struggled to concentrate on tasks during my PhD it was because I simply wasn't suited to academia, not because of a medical issue. I also had some issues with anxiety during the PhD which I discussed with the social worker, that was also due to the fact that I hated grad school and was terrible at it! (I graduated eventually but it was quite a slog).

I plan to ring the SW tomorrow and disclose the ADHD non-diagnosis to her. But I'm worried it will tip her over the edge into rejecting us. Especially if it will sound like I'm using the PhD as an excuse to explain away problems rather than dealing with them - but the PhD really did make me very miserable for a few years and I am much more content now that I'm out of it! It really was the cause of all my problems! Basically I was doing a job I absolutely hated for very little money, if it was a regular job I would have quit, but something about it being a PhD and supposedly prestigious I felt I had to get to the end.

I've also heard people being asked at panel about whether they would be happy with a 'non-academic' child. We're both from academic backgrounds (DP is an engineer and I have the PhD, although I now work in admin) but we are certainly not snobby and would support my future child no matter what their abilities. It would be boring if everyone was the same anyway!

I'm generally thinking that being as open as possible from the beginning is the best idea, and don't want to look as if I've been trying to hide anything.

I think you’re over thinking this. You don’t have adhd and haven’t been diagnosed with it so what would be the point of disclosing this? You struggled in your phd for a while. Everybody struggles in a job for a while - I don’t see what impact that would have on you being an adoptive parent.

I’m not saying to lie or to hide the truth - but why not focus on the reasons you would make a good adoptive parent. You struggled through a phd and worked hard to get to the end of it. You fought through the difficulties and you managed to come out successful.

I personally wouldn’t ring the social worker to tell them that you nearly had a diagnosis of adhd... but you may have already done it. I don’t think it would go against you but I also don’t think it will go in your favour....!

Good luck!

I honestly wouldn't disclose that. I think you're making a problem bigger than it needs to be.

You don't have symptoms for adhd, and you do t have adhd. So it's a bit of a none declaration?

You're right, but won't it come up during my medical that I was referred to a specialist?

Maybe this is a bridge I need to cross when I come to it!

We have our home visit on Tuesday so I'm limited with any advice I can offer but I did want to say you sound exactly like me....an over thinker. We had a meeting with the social work manager about adoption a couple of weeks ago and it went brilliantly. So well in fact that I thought I needed to tell her all our flaws because she obviously hadn't thought about them. Thankfully she just left thinking I was probably neurotic and desperate for a family and I'm hoping I've learnt my lesson. DH is now ready to stop me before I do the same at our home visit.
Good luck with the outcome. I personally wouldn't phone and disclose something that turned out not to be an issue.

I don’t think it would come up - the medical assessment is of the now- not the past.

Lots of my history wasn’t brought up in the medical. Not to say that yours won’t be but I highly doubt it.

You’ve taken steps to make corrections. Try to put it all out of your mind - everything takes so long in adoption but you will get there in the end!

(By corrections I mean, you’ve changed jobs. Also your partner has had cbt... so you’ve done a lot to get better and it seems like you both are better!)

Honestly think that you should focus more on the reasons you’d make good parents rather than the issues you’ve faced in the past. This was advice given to me in a job interview because I consistently told them what I couldn’t do. Seems really obvious - but if you’re a reflective person like you sound like you are you can tend to put yourself down a lot (I know I do this...!)... you have overcome a lot to get to where you are, and you just need to show the social workers that!

Good luck!!!

Just to point out that it's normal to have long waiting gaps in various points in adoption. With all that time try not to overthink things

When I had my initial visit my social worker told me that although they think everything is good, the manager and a few others have a 2 weekly meeting where they make a decision together if we can progress. They told me not to worry but that's they way they the process is. It sounds like your agency does the same.

As others have said, I wouldn't worry about the non diagnosis of ADHD, and I wouldn't disclose it.

Previous OPs are right, you are over-thinking this and @moomooboo has it right, you don’t need to disclose something you don’t have!

The medical is a fairly light touch in the first instance. Mine was a 45 minute meeting with my GP and focussed on height, weight, if my smear was up-to-date etc and then he went through my recent medical history. They are looking to see if you have medical issues which might prevent you from parenting effectively (and I assume, from living long enough to raise a child into adulthood). A great many people have had depression and anxiety and are good parents. As others have said, they are interested in your ability to deal with a difficult period if it arises, not for you to be the ‘perfect specimen’.

I say this gently, but you do sound like you have a tendency to overthink and worry. The adoption process is stressful and you are not in control of what happens. If you are a worrier, you’ll need to find ways to manage this or you’ll find yourself in a perpetual state of anxiety, second guessing what is being said or done by SWs.

By the way, I also have a PhD and was asked repeatedly how I would feel if my child wasn’t academic. To be honest, I felt quite insulted by it all eventually and had I not liked our SWs so much, I might not have remained so polite with my responses. I do partly understand the rationale for the question but my DH is much more of a high flier than me in his career, and they didn’t ask him how he’d feel if our child wasn’t similar to him. There seems to be an inbuilt prejudice that anybody who is academic is unable or unwilling to be with those who aren’t. Rant over

Good luck with the next few weeks and months.