Rejected because of parents

[Nuboo]

Hello, We went for our initial interview and we have now been told that our agency will not continue with us as it’s unlikely we’ll get approval from LA as my DH mother is an alcoholic. Additionally her and her husband have been violent to each other in the past, not to us or the rest of the family.
We think the main reason is that we were turned down is that DH keeps in contact with her and sees her twice/few times a year, often in his own, we don’t want to cut ties but not sure what we need to do in order to continue our adoption journey.

We want to try other agencies or LA but worried we’ll be turned down because of this. Has anyone got any thoughts on how to proceed?

I still think if that is the only reason an other agency may still consider you. You do need to be honest with them when you approach them and tell them about your first experience with this agency. They are likely in the course of things to find out about your first initial enquiry and there reasons for rejection. If this information has not come from you this will look bad and they will be left wondering what else you might not have told them.

So use this opportunity to reflect on what their reason for rejection means. Could you proceed with adoption if it meant you may never get to incorporate the children with your mother in law? It may be that you need to approach a different agency explaining about your mother in law and how your plan would be if necessary to not involve her in the children’s lives. If your MIL’s drinking effected your DH’s childhood this is something he can draw on to help him to empathise with an adopted child who will likely have had trauma in their wee short life. One thing the social worker will want to know is how your DH has processed his mother’s issues and the effect on him.

The more you can present these difficulties in a positive light, as in how you manage it presently/would manage it with children and how it can help with your understanding and empathy for any future children and their birth family, the more likely a LA/agency will want to buy into you.

Don’t give up, knock on a few more doors, be honest and share your reflections and see what happens.

I think you need to remember that very many children waiting for families have a background with alcohol abuse and domestic violence. SWs will not want to risk a child being exposed to that in their adoptive family as well
Is your DH prepared to exclude her from his life?

I agree with pinklady about contacting other agencies and using DH experiences in a positive way
Good luck, adoption world is harsh sometimes

Any subsequent agency will contact the first one to get their take on why you were not successful so you will need to be honest and upfront. But it does seem a bit of a harsh reason to reject you if that is their only concern. I hope you have better luck elsewhere.

I'm going to be honest - this doesn't surprise me in any way. When I applied I was NC with my father. He wasn't abusive on the surface but we had an unhealthy dynamic that became completely toxic and controlling as I grew older. SW knew about this and that we were NC. No problem.

Then, during the process, my father found me and got in touch. He was full of remorse. It shook me and I remember mentioning to SW that I had considered contact with him in the future. SW put a complete halt to my application (we were nearly at the end.)She put it on hold for a set amount of time and I was told to get counselling etc and prove I had done this. She expressed huge concerns that if I got back in touch with my father then my application would need to be reconsidered.

I totally understood why (though I was furious at the time). These kids have been through enough. Had I decided to get in touch with my father, it would have been emotionally impossible to keep him away from adopted child. The reality is that although your dh sees her only a few times a year, the dynamics in a family can change hugely once a child is thrown in.

I never did respond to my father. I take the view that I am protecting both myself and my child from his toxic ways. It took me a while to come to terms with this but I did and we were approved and I adopted my daughter a few years ago.

I think you need to remember that very many children waiting for families have a background with alcohol abuse and domestic violence. SWs will not want to risk a child being exposed to that in their adoptive family as well

OTOH a parent who understands trauma and has overcome it can be a huge asset. As Ted and Pink say- this can be a positive for an application.

I still think if that is the only reason an other agency may still consider you.

I agree with this. I've known several adopters with very difficult upbringings. The issue is the contact, but I think a good agency would do the work to ensure that risks are explored. A VA might be more flexible than an LA.

I can see why even low level contact would be a concern. It could easily happen that once a child is placed MIL could put pressure on DH to see the child (just once/I just want to meet them etc.). If denied, if she's a little unstable, she could turn up at the house or at a family do or something like that.

It's quite high risk while there is contact between DH and his mother. Although, obviously it's a massive ask to cut her out completely.

Maybe you could think through and have a plan as to how you will manage the situation so you have answers for any questions that come up.

Thank you for your replies, we have been considering adoption for a couple of years and we've looked into it really carefully, considered the types of background of the children who are up for placements and adoption and how their experiences can affect them once they've been placed with a family inc. substance and alcohol abuse.

That said, we honestly didn't consider that the MIL would be the reason we would be turned down. We have very little contact and any issues that arise is managed between DH and SIL's. The SIL families have all been brought up with little to no contact with the MIL and as we have other family around, so its never been an issue.

Also I found the language used in the report to describe some things be a bit brutal if am honest. This is our first encounter with a SW, so not sure if this is typical of the language used in these types of reports or if it was the individual SW interpretation of what we were saying?

We have been offered a follow up meeting. We are thinking it might be a good idea to discuss some of the points in the report, inc. the reasons we were turned down so we can work on how we can overcome this with any future applications. Do you this something we should follow up on?

They did suggest trying another VA which we'll explore too. Again thank you, you've given us lots to think about and points to consider going forward.

Do you this something we should follow up on?

Yep. Milk them for every bit of info about the concerns that you can get, then figure out how to address them with the agency you pick.

not sure if this is typical of the language used in these types of reports or if it was the individual SW interpretation of what we were saying?

Brutal language is unusual but that's a good thing from your point of view- you want to know the issues and it prepares you for the emotional roller coaster that is adoption :-)

It is worth it.

It can feel very brutal to see personal challenges set out in writing but it will give you a clear idea of their concerns and help you think about how to address them. It’s difficult because you know how the family dynamics work at the moment, how your wider family manage relationships with your MIL etc but nothing will shake that up like the addition of children, particularly adopted children.

Try to hear their concerns and think of concrete ways to address those issues - for me it was being clear that certain people in my family would never have sole care of my children and that any contact would be supervised by me or DH.