Thinking of adoption

[talulalala]

HI all,

First time poster- please be gentle.

My husband and I are thinking of adopting in a few years. There are a few things which are worrying me about how our application may be looked at. 20 years ago, I was signed off work with depression/social anxiety. This was mainly linked to a very difficult relationship with my mother who suffered from bouts of mental illness. The relationship with my mother broke down so severely that it was in my interests to not see her anymore. I know that this may sound awful but she treated me dreadfully and I had a tough time as a child. I put this relationship behind me, moved on in my life and things have only ever looked up from then on. I had a great support network within the rest of my family and with my friends. I grew up to be a confident and strong woman, I ended up going to University, gaining several degrees and getting good jobs. I met an amazing man who is my rock, and his family have been like parents and siblings to me.

I am very worried that my past mental health issues (although now way in my past) and relationship with my mother may pose an obstacle. I feel that I have so much to offer a child who has gone through a similar tough relationship with their parents but I am not sure the powers that be would see it like this. I hope this does not come across like showing off but we have worked hard and are financially secure. We are in our late 30s, do not have a mortgage and I would not need to work so I would be able to focus my whole attention to support a child. I think this is something that at least could work in our favour.

Looking for any initial thoughts and advice from you lovely folk.

Thank you x

I honestly think you’ll be fine. Many of us have had mental health issues (I had some pretty challenging mental health problems during the assessment process itself), it’s more about how you’ve dealt with the issues than anything else. They don’t need perfect people for adoption, in fact people who have had ups and downs may be more resilient through dealing with their challenges - which will come in to its own for adoption where you need a good level of resilience.

Good luck on your journey.

Thanks jellycatspyjamas I do feel that those of of who have had, and got through, life's ups and downs should be considered suitable parents. For me, I know how it feels to have a very tough relationship with your parents. I think that this puts me in a strong position when it comes to helping any child we adopt deal with similar issues and to support them to emerge as a strong and well-adjusted individual.

Thanks for your good wishes. I know this will be a tough journey if we decide to pursue it but it's good to know there are friendly, supportive people out there x

Totally agree with jellycatspyjamas. We were approved last year and about to go to matching panel for a sibling group of 2. I was so worried that my family history would affect our eligibility. Don't want to go into huge detail on a public forum but my husband's family are very stable, traditional middle class. Mine family has had some tragic losses over the years including a number of suicides and I don't speak to my biological dad.

None of this was a problem at all because I could talk about how I had dealt with it and how it may influence my own parenting. Our SW also felt that it was actually a real benefit, as I had first hand experience of real trauma and loss and would be well placed to support children going through similar issues (as long as I was aware of my triggers). Our SW was honestly more concerned about me looking after myself during the process.

When we came out of panel (after getting the magic 'yes!), one panel member actually came running out after us calling my name. I thought I had left my cardigan or something, but she gave me a huge hug and whispered 'you're going to be amazing'. Our SW was gobsmacked as this was apparently one of the 'sterner' panel members and she had never seen this happen before.

Not meaning to derail by talking about myself, just wanting to really encourage you and say that what you have been through, while it's rubbish, is an asset. It has likely made you pretty resilient in lots of ways and also empathetic to anyone who perhaps isn't 'typical'.

There is so much support out there and generally lovely people who decide to adopt

I don’t think any of that sounds like a barrier, not sure of the stats now but isn’t it one in three people will suffer at some point with poor mental health. Jellycats is right, it is how you dealt with it. And being self aware and able to reflect on past relationships/life situations, the positives and negatives is expected and you are already doing that. It’s quite a tough process and sometimes it’s something you don’t expect that trips you up. But if you are determined, you will get there, most hurdles are not insurmountable. Some do sail through it, but I think most of us have had to jump a few hoops. If you have a good look through the forum and AUK you will find things that have cropped up before.

Best of luck, it’s nerve wracking, exciting and a roller coaster of emotions.

Hi Serenity45. Thanks for sharing your story. Wow, it sounds like you have had some very tough things to deal with. I am glad you have been able to deal with it and emerge as a stronger person. My family life was interesting to say the least but my husband's sounds very similar to yours. He has been an absolute rock to me over the years but having said that, I was already on the road to sorting my life and issues out before I met him. Having him in my life gave me that extra bit of support but I know I would have got through what life put in my way one way or another. The points you make about being able to use my experiences in my parenting are ones which I had hoped they would consider. It's good to know that I can use my experiences in a positive light. Over the years, I have worked in jobs that have really called upon my resilience and empathy so this could stand me in good stead, moving forwards.

Thanks Autumnbloom- I think I am good at reflecting on my journey and the relationships I have had along the way. I consider myself to be very self-aware and often find myself musing over life's experiences (in a good way!). I have often been told I am a very strong person. I think I am strong but that has almost certainly come as a result of a very tough start to life. It's strange writing these posts as sometimes I do forget just how far I have come in my journey. It would be amazing to be able to support a child on their journey too.

Thanks for the replies and good wishes x

OP you sound amazing, you will be fine. Go for it.

Can I ask why adoption as opposed to having a child by the usual method? have you had fertility issues etc. You do not need to say here but you will be asked by social services and I am just curious.

I'm assuming your mum is not part of your life at all now and that is fine and good and totally right for you.