"Reapply in 12 months" - medical

[GetOffTheRoof]

I'm not shocked, but I am devastated. We have been waiting to complete stage 1.

The agency medical advisor has finally reviewed my medical (after 2 months of waiting) and because I'm under neurology for chronic migraine, we're to reapply in 12 months with more evidence of my migraine management by the neurologist.

We only found out this morning and I'm still taking it in.

We're in the midst of renovating the house, ready for it being child friendly. The social worker said he thought we'd have children in the house by Christmas (albeit we thought that was a bit quick!).

DH is away for the week with his work, but I rang him straight away.

What do we do now? Has anyone here been through this? How did you get through the next year?

I was still under the neurologist when we were going through stage 1. I asked them if they & doctor who completed my medical if they could provide information for the sw (who has zero medical knowledge). Gather your evidence and present it to as, if they refuse as to speak with speak to the team manager. Sometimes it is best to wait as your health must be priority before even thinking about having children placed (as difficult as that is). Good luck!

Thank you, I do understand children of course have to be the priority.

It's a doctor that has made this decision with the team manager, rather than our SW.

I'm just flattened.

The decision will have been made by the local authority medical advisor based on your medical exam, it may be worth seeing if you can speak to them and see if there’s information you can provide them which might support your case? I spoke to our LA medical advisor about our medical s because there were issues which on the surface looked challenging but on a day to day basis were ok.

Apologies if I've misunderstood, but do you mean that you aren't currently being allowed to adopt because you suffer from chronic migraines?

This happened to us. I had had breast cancer and when we went to panel the doctor on the panel turned us down. Fortunately we already had identified a LO and the placing authority were obviously keen as they obtained our reports and went ahead, they did however contact my consultant to ask his opinion.
All was well, so please do not give up!

I think medical issues are always difficult, I had to have some additional medical stuff which delayed me a few months.

You have a condition aggravated by stress, adoption is a stressful process, you are renovating a house - added stress.

I'd use the time to finish the house, do loads of research, get the childcare experience, have your medical evidence ready. Also think and plan very carefully about how you would manage both children and your own health. I'm not for a minute suggesting you can't manage, lots of people with medical conditions and disabilities adopt. But sometimes you have to spell it out.
Think about different scenarios and how you would manage them. Don't forget that adopted children can be very challenging - you may not be able to use your usual coping strategies. What's your support network like?
Its a blow - but its not an outright no, just a delay, and many of us have them. When you finally get to panel you might even get extra brownie points for commitment and resiliance - I did !

Ironically, my migraines aren't affected by stress and never have been. They seem to go silent at the worst times in my life, it's surreal. I'm having botox next week to deal with them.

@ncdforthis yes, we've been declined at the moment. We've already been through 4 days of training and completed the vetting, background checks, the family tree, the support networks, dog and cat assessments, financial assessments etc. No other concerns have come up.

We are invited to reapply in 12 months time when they will want to see a year of neurologist reports - not that there is such a thing really as appointments aren't exactly in my control, and a year of migraine diary (which I already keep, and which I know looks awful). They also want me to tell them my triggers, which is impossible given I don't really know what they are myself.

I'm just wallowing today. It's another year of sadness. We've already had years of frustration and it's yet another knock of being told we either can't have children or aren't good enough or somehow aren't worthy enough to have children somehow. Which isn't true, but it's how my heart feels today.

wallowing has its uses ! Maybe they are making the same assumption I did about stress.

It took me 4 years start to bringing a child home. My son is the perfect match for me, I can't imagine any other child. If I had sailed through the process, our paths wouldn't have crossed. I don't have a religious faith but I am a bit of a one for believing what's meant for you won't pass you by. Maybe 'your ' child isnt ready yet, they may not even have been born.
Its ok to have a bit of a wallow, do something nice for yourself. If you do have to wait a year I think I would book one last adult holiday.
But you will get there if you hang in

GetOffTheRoof

So sorry for the bad news. Not sure there is much useful to say- really unfortunate situation. My one suggestion would be:

After the year (or sooner of you can get medical reports which support an application) I would be very, very careful about picking your agency- do not just go with the same one unless you are sure they are the right one.

I think ideally you want a good VA because they will be more focused on matching you, rather than just finding adopters for kids. You need an agency that will do the work to address the concerns and produce a really strong PAR- then market you correctly.

Good points on the VA choice. I have no idea if they are the right one or not. I have no idea if their medical concerns are valid or not.

I've taken 3 days off work in 12 months despite 15-23 migraines per month. I tend to just keep going with them! I rarely take to my bed - that only happens if the migraine doesn't respond to my medication, which is a few times a year. On those occasions, DH picks up for me if there are things I would have done (dog care etc).

In terms of identifying a VA or even going with the LA (we're on the border of 2, so could probably go with either), I don't know what we could do to pick out who is good for us?

I've taken 3 days off work in 12 months

That does rather suggest to me that their concerns might be over cautious (with the obvious huge caveat that my opinion is meaningless). You know better than us whether migraines would inhibit your ability to parent.

I don't know what we could do to pick out who is good for us?

Where in the UK are you? What age of child are you considering?

VAs don't have a 'supply' of children, their only function is to prep adopters and market them for matching. That can mean they may be more flexible, more focused on your needs and better at marketing adopters with potential barriers. It's a big if- far better to get a really good agency than whether it is VA or LA.

I would:

Start by entering your postcode at: www.first4adoption.org.uk/find-an-adoption-agency/

Not sure if they are all on there, so do some more searches and work up a spreadsheet of all the ones in the area you might consider.

First stop is to look up ofsted reports- don't bother with anything less than a good.

Then some searching for opinions on your top 3-4 agencies. I would ask on social media (here, AUK, possible facebook groups). The opinions of someone who has used them (if poss) are your best source.

Once you have a shortlist- speak to them. How they handle your contact and how much info they give will tell you a lot about how they work.

N.B. I would not apply until you have your medical ducks in a row. You need good evidence that this is not a substantial barrier to parenting. You can still do research, go to meet the adopter events, etc while pursuing that.

I get the whole delay and disappointment - my approval process took over 3 years because we just had one thing after another that needed time to deal with. If we’d been approved earlier we probably wouldn’t have the DC we have now, who are absolutely perfect for us. Adoption is definitely about playing the long game - it’s ok to wallow i the frustration and disappointment but then get up, dust yourself down and go again.

Hello, I am an approved adopter and I suffer from chronic migraine. If you'd like to PM me I'd be happy to chat with you about it.

My migraines were my biggest concern in getting approved (I was approved earlier this year but still have not matched). For the last 10 years I've basically had a migraine a day, and have tried all the preventative drugs and therapies, lots of other stuff such as acupuncture and nutritionist advice, pilates, etc........ I'm sure you're the same! The only thing that stops them is triptans, but they do stop them and therefore theyre managed. I very rarely get a 'full' migraine as I stop them in their tracks!

When I was in Stage 1 I had a consultation with my neurologist (who's been treating me for the last 10 years and has seen the improvement in my lifestyle with regards to the migraines). He wrote a letter, to support my GP medical, stating that the migraines were managed and that they were under control and that he had no reservation in me becoming an adoptive parent.

Even though I was armed with this I was still worried I wouldn't get approved but it wasn't an issue. I remember it being raised at panel but I know my migraine stuff and it was all ok.

Don't let your condition put you off doing this. Gather everything you can to support and prove the migraines won't affect your parenting and try again. Wishing you well.

I agree that a VA might be the way to go or at least explore your other options.