Issues between siblings

[Italiangreyhound]

My birth child is 6 years older than adopted child. Birth child now 14 and very unhappy with mental health issues (ASD etc plus more).

Birth child complains younger sibling (who is adopted) has hit them etc.

I've always tried to sort things out. But the divisions seem deep and I am running out of ideas. Any thoughts, please?

that's quite an age gap, the same as me and my brother. We were never natural playmates. Do you think it more than just normal sibling stuff.

My son is 14 and also has ASD. To be blunt he is a right pain in the at the moment. Argumentative, totally unreasonable, bored with everything except the PS4 and quite frankly a bit whiffy with it.

What do you think would happen if you stopped trying to sort it out? Maybe this is a natural point for them to separate off a bit from each other. They will have very different interests and worrries or concerns.

Thanks Ted27 yes to the widfy and pain in the A!

I do let them sort somebody out. It goes up and down at times!

I just say the best for them.

I wonder if separating out your DDs mental health issues from what’s happening with her sibling might help. I think 6 years is a big age gap, there’s a lot of growing between 8 and 14, she’s in the throes of puberty which will bring its own joys.

Do you have space to give them both 1:1 time and attention, does she have down time without her sibling, are they around each other a lot? My two are much closer in age and have a pretty good relationship but squabbling can easily spill into physical fighting. I tend to try and moderate the amount of time they spend together, and head conflict off at the pass, so separate them when they seem to have reached their tolerance limits. If they do fight I try to leave them to sort it out between them as much as possible.

In terms of her mental health, there are things you can do to support her in terms of looking at her stress levels, reducing pressure where you can, helping her doing things to relax her, help her develop a variety of coping strategies etc but unless the two seem clearly linked, treat the sibling stuff as usual sibling stuff.

I also think that there are two issues here, one is helping your dd deal with MH issues, including how she copes with her relationship with her brother, and the other is helping both generally with the relationship.

Have you looked at general advice available in relation to helping siblings get on?

Based on personal experience I think that what you can do is gradually teach them by helping each understand the other by being the interpreter so to speak - explaining to each the other's actions and likely feelings and point of view to increase awareness. So you are basically helping them with empathy and tolerance, I suppose.

You can also help your younger with the hitting, ie trying to work out why it is happening, what feelings he is trying to communicate with it, and helping him to improve his self control.

Thank you jellycatspyjamas and sgnittes.

"I wonder if separating out your DDs mental health issues from what’s happening with her sibling might help."

She is getting help from CAMHS and her metal health issues are all being 'explored' so to speak.

I just felt other adopters might have some advice. It's tricky because She was an only child up to nine.

The large age gap is because we tried fertility treatment for many years and then the adoption process, but he tome we were matched she was nine.

"Have you looked at general advice available in relation to helping siblings get on?' I might have in the past but these issues seem quite specific to us and adoption related.

If anyone has any links to share I'd be happy to read up. I'm not s big book reader.

"...helping each understand the other by being the interpreter so to speak - explaining to each the other's actions and likely feelings and point of view to increase awareness. So you are basically helping them with empathy and tolerance, I suppose." I do this definitely. Both my kids seem to struggle to empathise.

To be honest the hitting is mostly in the past (I think) it was not seen by me. My daughter brings up things from the past and I am not sure if it us all true or an exaggeration.

I guess I am almost looking for tips on reconciliation.

Is there something that makes you think it’s adoption related as opposed to there being a big age gap, her going into puberty, your DS pushing her buttons etc? There’s a similar age gap between me and one of my siblings and I recognise our dynamic from your description of your DC.

If you were able to say a bit about the adoption specific bits we might be able to help point you in the right direction.

This is a short article and to the right of the article are links to other sibling related bite size articles:

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/siblings/siblings-101

There are likely to be adoption related issues as part of the sibling relationship issues to talk about. But it still comes down to helping them with their relationship, and relationships generally.

If your dd talks a lot about what happened in the past it means she still needs help to process it and move on? Can you teach her how you process difficult things and move on?

It might also help you to sit down and try to imagine how each child sees the family through their eyes, taking into consideration adoption, their age, their personalities etc. If you feel confident you have their point of view, then you could use that as a base to explain it the other child, so to speak.

If you think each are suffering because they feel losses and they are grieving what they don't have, your birth child wishing they had had a birth sibling or no sibling, and the adopted child wishing what they are wishing for, then again knowing that is the starting point to help them come to terms with their feelings about it all. They may also have feelings about what they hold you responsible for, fair or unfair, and again understanding that will help you help them come to terms with it all. These are just examples, every family is different.

jellycatspyjamas "Is there something that makes you think it’s adoption related as opposed to there being a big age gap, her going into puberty, your DS pushing her buttons etc?"

The fact he came at three, as opposed to a baby, I suppose, but also the age gap is not the main issue at all. Her being a teen is a big factor though!

I don't think it is my ds's fault so it is not exactly 'adoption' specific but as I say, I think him coming into the family as a child has kind of been harder for her. But I don't think it is his fault. I think she was quite jealous of him, and he is of her! (I have really tired to show there is no need for jealousy!)

sgnittes thanks some good ideas to try. I think the issues are firmly with my dd not with my son.

Will look at the article.

I do like aha!

Yep, that makes sense - am I right in thinking she would have been 9 when he joined your family? I can imagine having a fully formed sibling arrive at that age would have been hard for her in all kinds of ways - with a baby they have pregnancy and babyhood to get used to things and all the excitement of getting to help with a tiny baby can take the sting out of having to share your parents. I know what it was like for me to adjust to parenting from a standing start, I guess she’s had all of that adjustment as a sibling.

I’m not sure actively trying reconciliation is going to help because however you do it, it can feel like you’re on his side (I know that’s not the case at all - my experience of you is wanting the best for them both). I wonder if spending time with her in her own might help? I guess I’m thinking attachment and secure base stuff which does tend to kick off again in adolescence, my theory is that if she’s reassured of her relationship with you, it’ll free her up to use you as a secure base from which to revisit her relationship with him?

I also wonder if involving her in his care, reinforcing her place as the older sister might help? Not in a “you’re older and it’s your job” kind of way so much as in a “you’re really great at X, perhaps you could help him learn how to do X too”.

Also really revisit therapeutic parenting for her - so instead of getting involved in trying to step in and resolve things between them, focus on relationship building with you - maybe separate them without commenting on whatever the disputes is but making quiet time to talk to her about what was happening at the time?

It’s a different situation but I’ve found that reassuring my DD of how much I love her, noticing the positives, recognising when she does something caring etc has massively helped her relationship with her brother in a way that all the refereeing in the world hasn’t.

I think sometimes the only way with teens is going right back to basics, because research shows that developmentally their going through the same type of brain development as toddlers. So, think toddler in big body rather than adult in little body, if that makes sense?

"I’m not sure actively trying reconciliation is going to help because however you do it, it can feel like you’re on his side (I know that’s not the case at all - my experience of you is wanting the best for them both.."

Thank you for saying that, I do really want the best for them both, it has been very hard balancing both their needs.

" I wonder if spending time with her in her own might help?"

I do as much as I can.

"...my theory is that if she’s reassured of her relationship with you, it’ll free her up to use you as a secure base from which to revisit her relationship with him?"

She is very anxious and insecure, she does seem to doubt my love.

"I also wonder if involving her in his care, reinforcing her place as the older sister might help?" We do try that as much as we can.

"It’s a different situation but I’ve found that reassuring my DD of how much I love her, noticing the positives, recognising when she does something caring etc has massively helped her relationship with her brother in a way that all the refereeing in the world hasn’t."

Any tips on how you have done this, jellycatspyjamas?

"I think sometimes the only way with teens is going right back to basics, because research shows that developmentally their going through the same type of brain development as toddlers. So, think toddler in big body rather than adult in little body, if that makes sense?"

That's a very good point. However, they are toddlers with potty mouths, who swear and are generally much ruder and more unpleasant than normal toddlers. I do find it easier to be loving to my 8 year old because he responds well. My dd is more likely to be rude to me.