Has anyone not been approved or run in to approval problems?

[Runner31]

As a natural planner and someone who likes to know what could go wrong I keep wondering where the big problems are with adoption approval. I know it's a long process but I was wondering if anyone found any particular areas difficult.
At the moment I worry a bit about the social part. My husband isn't particularly social and we live in a really quiet area and I can't help but wonder if this will go against us. I've already researched local kids clubs and after achool and weekend activities but is that enough?
The other part is the financial. Should we think of this like when we got a mortgage and try our best to clear any credit cards we have?

Any advice would be very welcome. X

I'm a huge planner and before I started the adoption process - and during - I kept thinking of reasons as to why I wouldn't be approved (from medical issues, to support network stuff, to religious views, to my sense of humour, to the size of my garden... all sorts of things!). I'm nearly at panel now and starting to believe it will happen.

With regards to the social stuff - this isn't something that's come up for me, although maybe it has for others. I live in a very family friendly area with lots going on. What social workers are looking for is proof you have a good, solid support network to help you emotionally and practically.

Financially, social workers want to see you can afford to have a child. I have a mortgage (a big one ugh) and some credit card debt, but I'm able to afford a child for my maternity leave and beyond (and I've said I'll clear the credit card before placement).

Honestly, the best thing to do is to talk these things through with an adoption social worker and if there are areas of concern go away and fix them.

We did a plan of all of our outgoings currently, then one we created looking at how much nursery fees would be, additional expenses with food, clothes etc and showed them how we would still manage with our incomes

TBH, I think you need to let up on the 'planning' or you will wear yourself out.

It took us a year to get to approval panel - for us we have a DD(12) so that added a bit of complexity.

Plus, about 5 SW.

Don't put your life on hold. Be honest, are your finances OK? If they are, and you are affording your life now, there is nothing really to worry about.

We are fortunate in that I earn a moderately high amount, so everything went through fine - but adoption is not supposed to be the preserve of the wealthy.

Our first SW told us "not to put our lives on hold" and we live by that rule.

Having said that, we have a home visit in 12 days can you tell I am counting about a possible match.

We have still booked a summer holiday, admittedly in a cottage and not overseas.

You need to be as relaxed as you can about the pitfalls that will come along. There are lots of bits in this process that you (as prospective adopters) cannot control. That is hard, if generally you manage to direct your own life.

Good luck.

Just realised I repeated the "life on hold" bit - can you see how it is my mantra!!

Not me but close friends of mine got turned down because one of them was not sociable and wouldn't join in properly with the role play type activities on the training day. At the time we thought that this was a shame and they should have seen past it as we thought they'd make lovely parents. It turned out much later though that he had hit her quite a few times (nobody knew) so maybe the SW had a gut feeling about them anyway and was looking for things to justify it?
Anyway, good luck with your journey.

Oh man there's role play! I hate role play and I am terrible at it 😂

Thanks so much for your advice. I really do need to let up on things. It's so early in our adoption journey but I do enjoy hearing about other people's experiences. It makes it all feel real.

Thanks again and I'm going to make sure we don't put our lives on hold throughout this long process.

@runner31 don't worry, it's not too dramatic. Nothing like raft building over rivers.

More like handing dolls around between each other, or cutting pieces of string :);

Sometimes childcare experience comes up on the boards - just something to think about. Some people volunteer at nurseries or playgroups to get that - or cubs/scouts/brownies.

Also being a healthy BMI has come up too which was a bit of a shock to me as wouldn’t have realised weight would have anything to do with it.

And essentially at the prep groups apparently you are being monitored too - I hate speaking in training events and so I had to force myself to do that. If your partner is quiet just get him to make sure he says one thing per discussion question - even if he is repeating what somebody else has said!

I never understand why anybody ever thinks roleplay is a good idea - especially with some of the serious issues adoption can bring about. Personally find it a bit demeaning - but I suppose if they ask you to do it you’ve got to!!

We both work in education and have loads of extra experience volunteering with children so hopefully that will cover that side of things.

Our BMI's are fine thanks to IVF and lots of walking. We're also starting up running again. I always found it a good stress reliever so it would be good to have that going to keep us sane throughout this all and with whatever comes our way.

I totally agree about role play. I've only once seen it done really well, at mental health training, but other than that it's such a painful experience but if it means we get to adopt then we can suck it up.

I found the role plays fine as i was interested in the subject unlike motivational work shirt

I think a lot of this is common sense when you think about it. Its only sensible to have stable finances when you are starting a family, birth or adopted, you really don't need the stress of huge debt when your income is likely to drop or childcare may present a huge added expense.

speaking as a long time fatty, I do think we delude ourselves about the issues of long term obesity. I excercise a lot, I run, go to the gym. I don't smoke, rarely drink, take aways once in a blue moon. I am three stone overweight which in medical terms is morbidly obese. I don't think many people realise that. You can get away with it when you are younger, Im 54 and I really feel it now.
Not very sociable - not sure what that means. i'm very sociable with my friends! But I don't have masses of friends. I think SWs just want to know that you don't live in an isolated bubble, you don't need to be life and soul of the party.
Most people really are fine, as it happens I didnt sail through appoval, but for reasons specific to me. if you are determined you will get there

We had friends that were turned down supposedly because of their previous drug use (marijuana) and attitude towards drugs. Thought it was strange as it was a long time ago.

But they then split up a year or so later. So maybe it was easier for the SW to blame the drugs rather than say they were unsure about their relationship?

Cherry321, many adoptive children come from a background where alochol and drug abuse were serious issues. So no it doesnt surprise me that SWs were cautious about drug use

Thanks for all the responses. I hope I'm worrying over nothing.
Financially we're fine but could do with cutting back on the credit card spending. Having said that a lot of it will be cleared by the time any adoption actually happens.

I suppose my biggest worry is my husband just doesn't have friends who are emotional supports. He uses walking, running and we talk a lot about anything that's bothering us and we got through IVF by being honest and by having in place good strategies for when things got tough. He's not a recluse or shut off from people he's just happy with his life and his gardening etc and is looking forward to sharing that with our children 🤞.

We both work in education and with children with additional needs so while we've a lot to learn we're not going in to this blind.

People have made some very good points.

Just to add that as long as your DH remembers that this is an interview (extended) for the position of being a parent and as in the same way that he wouldn't get a job if he sat there and said nothing or just said how he was happy on his own and didn't interact with anyone, he might struggle to get approval if he did that during a homestudy.

If he has no emtional support apart from you, it's worth thinking that through together. You will be expected to do a support map (unless it's changed since I did it) and having nothing on his side is going to look a bit odd and not very balanced. Many couples struggle to hold their relationships together during adoptions and you both need to give serious thought to how/where he will get support in addition to you. It doesn;t need to be someone he is particularly close to now, your support structure (as most people will tell you) will change sometimes in surprising ways when you have a newly adopted child.

I don't think you are in an unusual position but working through the possible snags now will help. Just remember - he (and you) don't have to someone you're not, but it is an interview. You won;t get the job unless you show you're right for it.

😂 oh god I hope I haven't painted him to be a right misery. He really isn't. Just introverted by nature which, some of the best people are. But thank you, that has given me some food for thought. I'm a firm believer in therapy and used it when we were going through IVF, he would also use therapy if needed. Does that count towards support for your support map?