Food issues

[Tishtash2teeth]

Hi,

My son was placed with us from the age of 3.5 and the adoption has been a great success. We all adore each other and he has made so much progress. However food remains an issue, he is 9 now and getting bigger all of the time. He is food mad and really only likes unhealthy food and it is difficult to get him to eat fruit and veg. We try our hardest to control how much he eats but he is stealing food all of the time. Just today I caught him making and trying to eat a ‘bread’ sandwich (so essentially three slices of bread) and then I went into the fridge and he had eaten 9 mini savoury eggs. This is after a decent breakfast. Yesterday we had had pizza for takeout the night before and had some pizza left over for lunch and in between breakfast and lunch he stole two slices without us knowing. We just don’t know what to do about it. We find bits of food hidden around the house all of the time. This does link back to early neglect. From what we can piece together it appears he was left for hours without sufficient food and then given lots to eat all at once. Any tips and advice would be great x

I've had issues with my son raiding the biscuit tin and binge eating in secret so I do understand.

I think its important to get away from the idea of him stealing food or catching him out. He needs to learn that food is not going to be with held or access controlled in some way. If he is hiding it, then he is still worried that the supply is going to disappear.
My son now has a box of food that he can acces whenever he is hungry or just feels the need, Its not the healthiest of food but it has stopped the furtive behaviours. I'd only regard taking food as stealing if it was my special very dark chocolate or things that are given to me as presents - and I make sure he knows its mine.

For the moment I think I wouldnt worry too much about healthy food - thats just you controlling ( in his eyes) and focus more on your reactions when you find him eating food and managing his eating in a different way. I think if you react like he is stealing, that will just reinforce the worries about food.

I assume you are on Easter holiday, why don't you try a visual timetable with meal times on, including snacks. Give him control over some food, either a box or a cupboard which is his and he can access whenever he wants. I'd also probably put some food in his room or wherever his usual hiding places are.

Its a massive anxiety for him, and thats how you need to address it, not give him the feeling he is doing something wrong - however inadvertantly. I'ts hard, the first time I discovered the mountain of wrappers behind the sofa I was really angry with my son, so I have had to address my reactions in order to deal with it. We were having therapy at the time so we did talk about it those sessions as well. Maybe its something to consider. How does he manage at school ?

Lastly, I'm always amazed at how much food my son can put away, he is skinny but eats twice what I do, particularly carbs, so don't underestimate how much food growing children need. Your idea of a decent breakfast could be his idea of a snack.
To give you an idea my son's typical day looks like this
3 weetabix for breakfast ( occasionally he gets a bacon sarnie at school as well)
sausage roll and cookie at break
Packed lunch - piece of fruit, babybels, pork pie, biscuit, carrot sticks
Snack when he gets home - waffles or toast
Dinner - something like spag bol, fishcakes, sausages with a huge pile of veg and pasta, rice or chips. yoghurt and blueberries.
He is older than yours but has been eating like this since he was 11

Hi,

My son is also 9 and was placed at a similar time as yours. Although my son doesn't steal food, he does have food issues.
Can go long stretches of time not eating, or completely gorge. Again it's mostly the unhealthy things he'd gorge on.

If he has been on play dates I often get comments by other parents 'how much he can put away', meals out he will always eat way more.

What helps for us is having snacks always available, fruits, nuts, crackers etc. And just reminding him each time we feel he's feeling 'out of control with it' that food is always available and he wont go hungry.

As he's got older he's got a little better at expressing himself, and will say things like but I find it so hard to leave the food behind etc.

Nothing we've done has completely resolved the problems, and I do naturally worry about when he is older and has a lot more freedom with food choices how he will cope. But for now the snack option seems to help somewhat.

With regards to the fruit and veg, now is a good time of year to start growing some fruit and veg. It would be a fun project for you both, and it may encourage him to eat it if he's grown it. Plants like strawberries, peas and tomatoes are all reasonably fool proof and can be planted now.

Hi there's a really good section in the A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting book by Sarah Naish on this very topic, it explains the reasons why, gives strategies too. The snack box is one of them. Also recommend joining the National Associations of Therapeutic Parents, a really supportive community, local listening circles and discounts on courses including one on food issues. Wishing you all the best, food is such a tricky one.

I think ted27's post is really good.

Though when you say really big, you meant overweight?

If so the only answer is talking about it, getting the child to take autonomy, recognise the difference between hunger and emotional need, understanding the impact on the body of bad foods, and also doing things to improve his fitness. It won't help to label him taking food as "stealing" as ted27 has said.

Talking endlessly about it, really hammering home the medical and physical facts, and getting him to make choices, and making him more aware of how he is feeling and helping him name the feelings, and him being aware that there is a link between feelings and eating, is the only way. Teaching him autonomy and good habits and good thinking rather than making food into something to fight over or hide or be secretive about.

Could you take him running? If you took him jogging twice a week that would start shifting how he feels and how his body feels to him, and is a good first step.

Re how we handle it, we don't hide food or have a snack box which dc can help themselves to, sweet snacks are in one place in the kitchen and the rules are that the dc should ask first and if I say no I give the reason (dinner is in 10 mins), and sometimes I get them to think about it - do they really want it - and tell them it is up to them.

If dc break the rules - and they do, sometimes - they don't lie about it - because there is no need for them too - I tell them off for being disobedient but that is it.

We talk a lot of about sugary foods and the impact on the body and alternatives and reasons why. Over time dc's attitudes have changed as they have grown up. They are more thoughtful and aware of the impact on their body of eating too much poor food when young and they talk about it. Sometimes they still go for the sweet but not at a worrying level.

I am quite assertive about fitness - they love sport and do lessons outside school so there is no worry there but they hate the idea of going for a jog before actually going (as do I) but I force them (and force myself) to go and we all feel better for it afterwards.

swizzlestix what does the A-Z say about it, the reasons why?

Sorry, you said "bigger all the time" not "really big". And I should have said "there is no reason for them to" not "too".

Prolongats sorry I only just saw your asked me a question. the A-Z talks about the possible reasons why such as:
High cortisol levels leading to a need for a high sugar intake.
Early lost nurture leading to the child feeling empty inside.
Lack of cause and effect thinking - the child is unable to see the consequences of stealing food or how they may feel
If they overeat.
A need to try to predict the environment, esp in relation to hoarding.
Emotional age - the child may be seeking nurture especially in relation to baby food, milk etc.
Recreating a familiar environment- familiar eating patterns.
There's more too but hope that helps.

I also recommend this book to share with children who have a trauma history

Rosie Rudey and the chocolate mountain it's all about this issue.

Thank you - i had forgotten I had asked the question! Are the strategies in the A-Z similar to what I had said?

I think the reasons listed are all reasonable reasons as to why. I think that it is complicated as there may be all sorts of reasons from the past and sometimes that is the assumption in relation to adopted children, but there may be current things happening too. Helping with emotions is so important, and I see that is what your second book (by the same authors) covers. Whether that is to do with being helped with feelings from past or to do with things in the past, or helped with feelings about something happening at that time.

This is a very interesting and helpful thread. We have two LOs who came permanently four years ago. Younger child LB has always eaten a wide range of food, but with a tendency to overeat. No hoarding or hiding, but clearly often eating to the point of discomfort. It feels as though he didn't trust that there was always food in the house. Both children used to a lot of junk and sweets, few set mealtimes.

It's taken a good couple of years to get them on to a healthier eating pattern. LG still limits herself to beige food and some fruits, but has now hit a growth spurt and is happy to let me give her a wider range.

LB still eats a lot, but grows a lot too. There is much less of the eating just-in-case. I've'very slowly reduced his portions, created set mealtimes rather than large snacks, and he is able to look in the fridge and ask for a particular fruit or sandwich and help prepare it. Recently on three occasions he has overeaten to the extent of being carsick or having diarrhoea. Regardless of cause, school insists on 48hours off, so he has realised that gorging has consequences of gastric distress and boredom.

One thing that has helped both children has been school dinners. The routine and seeing ither kids behaving normally around food and then getting on with the rest of the day has been good for them. The other he was clearly struggling to finish breakfast, and I told him it was okay to stop, and he did. Popped the remains in the food waste bin. I felt that was a real success.

I'm an adopted adult who had a lot of food issues (though more undereating), so this comes partly from that and also from talking to others who are adopted/were fostered and had over or under eating issues. I just wanted to chip in to support the idea of teaching lots about the medical and physical side. Learning about the body can be really helpful. For example, low serotonin can lead to carbohydrate cravings as the body tried to raise it's serotonin levels, but exercise can also raise serotonin and be more effective (long and short term). So a good strategy I found was learning to identify those feelings and then (if you identify yourself feeling sad or angry or down) bouncing on a mini trampoline for 20 minutes instead. Identifying the physical symptoms of a feeling can really help with knowing what you're feeling.

Equally, during these problems, I think it is really helpful to not keep unhealthy stuff in the house. My (birth) ds has to have a sugar free/low salt diet due to medical issues and so we don't keep anything high sugar in the house bar honey really. We do have some sugar free sweets/chocolate, but we focus on making healthy snacks together. Involving a child in cooking can really help. We use this recipe* for healthy flapjacks and add fresh blueberries and cinnamon, or ground coconut and fresh chopped cherries. It goes down really well! As sugar is addictive, limiting it can really help. I had a serious fruit juice addiction as a child and only recognised later just how unhealthy it was. I felt empty, I wanted something in my mouth that I could 'focus' on. My hypervigilance meant I couldn't relax and the sensation of flavour was aiding me when I felt overwhelmed. A healthier way - which I use now - was to find sensations that help me and use those instead. These include a hot drink, rubbing my inner forearm, stroking my cats (children can replace with a soft toy if no animals in the house), hugging someone, doing something with my hands like colouring or planting seeds and really getting my hands in the earth and taking a warm bath. As a child, I also found going on the swing (or swimming, but tougher to do in the moment) very soothing when overwhelmed. I probably sound bonkers now, but hopefully that made some form of helpful sense.

Another thing that helped was taking away emotional language with food. So we don't reward with food or talk about 'naughty' food or 'good' food. We do talk about how some foods taste nice, but don't contain many nutrients. We talk about which nutrients the body needs and what they do inside the body. We also learn together about how the body is linked and all organs work together as a team to digest and utilise the nutrients, so saliva breaks down food, stomach breaks down further, bile released from liver etc. Then, we talk about things that help this process (eg. bitters) and things that don't eg. Eating quickly. We don't discuss weight much or calories outside of physical terms - so learning what happens if we don't use use the fuel we are eating and how the body stores it.

I also feel a clear routine can be helpful and limited control of snacks such as having a snack box with 2 healthy snacks per day but allowing choice in when those snacks are eaten. The visual timetable suggested by Ted27 sounds like a great idea! And most of all, I think consistency and reassurance are so helpful. If you're putting these things in place and consistently he knows there is always a snack box, there are always meals at certain times etc. that can really, really help. Speaking to a lot of people who've been through the care system, in some ways, it's a trust issue for many of us (adults and children). We take measures to ensure our own safety because (subconciously) we don't fully trust others to do it. Repeatedly demonstrating your love and reliability by having that routine with food and being emotionally reliable alongside really does make a big, big difference over time.

• sarahdietitian.com/2016/03/30/super-healthy-flapjack-recipe-no-butter-sugar/