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Adoption

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Struggling adopters

32 replies

Louloufergav · 06/04/2019 23:31

We are five years in to an adoption that everyone says has been a success. Our two boys were described as difficult and we got the feeling they expected us to fail, as they were so naughty. And because of this, we didn’t speak out when we probably should have. You see, the boys are endlessly naughty. They break things and misbehave at school, at home and with friends. Our friends and family have slowly disappeared because of how exhausting they are - and always, we have got on. But the truth is we are on our knees. I’ve gone from being such an upbeat person with an optimistic outlook to someone so irritable and angry, I do not feel my boys get the life they should have. I’m a sad person. My partner is angry and sad too. We have drifted and only talk to share how down we feel. I’m so scared that if I ask for help, the boys will be taken away and yet I know we cannot go on this way. We swing from week to week with only a thread holding us together and I just feel that they deserve so much more than the sad two people they got - but I don’t know how to be more. I’m so very tired and exhausted. I love them so very much and I cannot imagine my life without them - and they are so very loving - but nor do I know how to get up in the morning in the way I used to. Life used to feel so very exciting and now I wait for bedtime so that I can be silent and not have to moan about behaviour or worry about things. I know it isn’t them and it is me - us - but what do I do? Asking for help seems so late and I worry that it will expose our sadness and lead to the boys being taken away. Please, can anyone advise me. I’m not sure what I can do.

OP posts:
sassygromit · 12/04/2019 13:38

@jellycatspyjamas sorry I got your name wrong. I am not talking here about the OP, but would like to say that yes, adoption is hard on parents, but it is also hard on children if the parents are not coping, or depressed without seeking help. Your first paragraph is exactly right and that was the point being made when incorrectly quoting the statutory threshold. No one has suggested that disruption would be the starting point.

Anyway, I agree that seeking support should be seen as a strength.

Italiangreyhound · 12/04/2019 14:07

Nettleskeins excellent post. We had a lot of unsuccessful fertility treatment after the birth of our dd and before the adoption of our ds. I discovered I had an Underactive thyroid and high blood pressure.

I also went to the GP because I felt and looked dreadful; it turned out I had anemia and was close to needing a blood transfusion! Do not rule out physical issues for you, your dh or the kids.

Wise words from many here. Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 12/04/2019 14:09

Sorry that wasn't clear! I discovered had an underactive thyroid and high blood pressure during routine fertility tests. I had no recognisable symptoms.

Italiangreyhound · 12/04/2019 14:39

Yes, definitely seeking support should be seem as a strength, and, in my expeeiemce, it is.

We saught a lot of help with out birth dd and so when ds came 5 years ago it was just a natural progression.

I think OP you got stuck into the rut of not asking for help and thinking you should be able to cope. It may take a while to get over that mind set and that fear of having the children removed. Which I hope, now, you realize is very unlikely.

Expressing a need for help and showing how much you love, and care for your kids will not be seem as a failure.

My concern is, if you feel you are doing such a bad job you may misrepresent yourself. You've kept the boys safe etc, fed, clothed and loved. You've sacrificed yourself. Asking for help is for the kids benefit not just your benefit. Flowers

sassygromit · 12/04/2019 17:01

OP sorry about the derail, these are the words which stood out for me I love them so very much and I cannot imagine my life without them - and they are so very loving have faith that you all can get through this and to the other side.

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2019 00:47

@Louloufergav how's it going?

Thanks
fasparent · 17/04/2019 12:57

Agree with Nettleskins Have too look at parental health concerns . am unfortunately tied too a wheelchair result of a bad accident will be 12 month's afore mobile. Yet our two disabled children are a godsend still have plenty of fun, joining in my daily physio, good for me better for them, We all get by though difficult at times. Have met many parents over the years with temporary health issues, yet not given support and understanding with none medical professional assessing wrongly not just the parents but the children.

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