Struggling adopters

[Louloufergav]

We are five years in to an adoption that everyone says has been a success. Our two boys were described as difficult and we got the feeling they expected us to fail, as they were so naughty. And because of this, we didn’t speak out when we probably should have. You see, the boys are endlessly naughty. They break things and misbehave at school, at home and with friends. Our friends and family have slowly disappeared because of how exhausting they are - and always, we have got on. But the truth is we are on our knees. I’ve gone from being such an upbeat person with an optimistic outlook to someone so irritable and angry, I do not feel my boys get the life they should have. I’m a sad person. My partner is angry and sad too. We have drifted and only talk to share how down we feel. I’m so scared that if I ask for help, the boys will be taken away and yet I know we cannot go on this way. We swing from week to week with only a thread holding us together and I just feel that they deserve so much more than the sad two people they got - but I don’t know how to be more. I’m so very tired and exhausted. I love them so very much and I cannot imagine my life without them - and they are so very loving - but nor do I know how to get up in the morning in the way I used to. Life used to feel so very exciting and now I wait for bedtime so that I can be silent and not have to moan about behaviour or worry about things. I know it isn’t them and it is me - us - but what do I do? Asking for help seems so late and I worry that it will expose our sadness and lead to the boys being taken away. Please, can anyone advise me. I’m not sure what I can do.

Ring post adoption if you dont know contact for post adoption ring the adoption team and see what support is offered in your area. There might also be a group run by parents. Dependant where you live you might be given a post adoption social worker, they can help and direct you to services up may never have heard of before.

We are constantly in touch with them and I have been on support courses etc where you meet patents in same situations. Plus they can offer support to your children too.

Ask and see if the boys school can help. The senco might be able to help.

Please message me if you like.

Have you already joined the (free but private) Therapeutic Parents group on Facebook? Lots of adopters /foster families / family carers on there who will totally get it and be supportive. From there, you could join NATP for a moderate annual fee (I think about 40 but not sure) which ramps the support up to include training (some online if you don't have childcare), a helpline, local peer support groups, experts who can advise/accompany you etc.

This can be absolutely draining, and sadly it's really common for previous friends to drift away so you end up feeling isolated. It's hard to start building a new support network, but it's really important to start.

Trying to think of other free things....Hannah Meadows online adopters self-care group? Home for Good is another adoption charity that has local meet-up groups, often including children?

And YY to contacting your post-adoption team and asking for an assessment of need: that can lead to funding from the adoption support fund, for therapy or support for your children and family unit.

You've had some good advice already, but I wanted to add, it's not you, it's the situation. What you are doing is really, really hard. Please try not to beat yourself up and remember just how much you get right.

If you weren't worried about the boys being taken away, what help would you ask for - eg

• practical help (because you are exhausted)
• time away for you and your dh to recharge
• therapy for the boys
• strategies or tactics for you to deal better with them

You sound exhausted but I just wondered what the tipping point is for you, and why you think they'd be taken away? Do you get time on your own when they are at school? Or are you working? How old are they? You do sound very exhausted (I sympathise!)

Your boys will not be taken away. You mustnt let that fear stop you reaching out for help.
It is not your fault. There is no failure on your part and you are amazing to have made it so far.
Some great advice on sources of support already given . Hope you get the help you so badly need xx

I cannot thank you all enough for reaching out. Yesterday was such an exhausting day emotionally and a real tipping point for me realising this can’t go on. My worry is that we’ve not been truthful about how difficult the boys are out of a weird sense of pride - everyone kept telling us, including our social worker, how surprised they were our adoption was working given how boisterous and wild the boys were. We sort of locked in and became a unit, which means we never experienced any issues with bonding but now find ourselves completely isolated. We both also work in a profession where we are expected to have this down. I work with vulnerable teens and my partner is a primary teacher. I’ve given talks to prospective adopters about how great yet challenging it’s all been and yet, I’m barely holding it together. My partner has sought treatment for depression in recent months and I know I should probably do the same. I feel so lonely and isolated and I will look into these groups. Thank you. I know we have to put aside what we’ve said before and seek help. It’s ridiculous that we’ve let what others think and their praise for our success shadow our reality and I now know I have to do something.
It’s been so hard to lose people who could really help us out. The boys are a handful but I don’t think it’s anything other parents don’t worry about - I just think the problem is me. I’m a bit burnt out and in need of some friends.

Hugs. Just because you're feeling like this it doesn't mean that you've failed as parents, as a family. Your boys need you to do what's right for all of you and you're doing this by reaching out for help. Just because you're struggling it doesn't mean that every talk, every conversation you've had about your adoption journey isn't true. I agree with the poster who said join the therapeutic parenting forum on Facebook. There are some great people on there, really supportive. Also I'd recommend having a look at some of the books by one of its Founders, Sarah Naish. She has written therapeutic parenting in a nutshell, the A-Z of therapeutic parenting and a great autobiographical book called but he looks so normal about her struggles to raise 5 adopted children with severe attachment and trauma issues.

I get the part about feeling you should be all over this because of your professional backgrounds, my background is specifically around working with trauma in adults and children and I’ve found parenting my own to be very hard indeed. Folk step back because they think you know, and praise you for the amazing difference you’re making which can really block you from seeking support. I found that even when I explicitly said I was having a hard time, people were quite dismissive because they thought I was aiming for perfection, while I was actually aiming for getting through the day.

If you weren’t scared the boys would be removed, what help would you want and from whom. You don’t need to answer this here but are there particular reasons you think someone might take them away (eg are you managing to keep your temper, is discipline a challenge, are they so boisterous they’re not safe). I ask because by 6 months in both my two had been at A&E several times, once each with a head injury (they both have matching scars obtained separately), I was shouting much much more than I ever thought I would and just felt like I wasn’t coping. From the outside looking in though, I was doing ok but I knew things weren’t as I wanted them to be. I did get help in the form of therapy and medication, being back at work has helped, seeing friends and getting some space has helped and honestly, so has setting really clear boundaries with very clear consequences. Both of my two struggled with some of the processes involved in therapeutic parenting - they clearly hadn’t read the books and simply needed more structure and clarity about what was and wasn’t ok. I say that because I was driving myself crazy trying to be the perfect TP, while totally loosing myself in the process so I stopped.

I’m very aware of shame responses and draw on PACE principles all the time but I also have some very clear boundaries around damaging things, hurting people or animals or self and we do discipline our kids - there are expectations around some of their behaviours and they respond well to that and to praise and recognition when they are doing ok.

It’s very hard, and I can understand you wanting to appear on top of it, but help will help.

I meant to ask, how old are your boys?

They’re 7 and 8. It’s my big fear that ultimately it would all fall apart if I spoke about how unhappy I was. How depressing we find it all. We shout a lot - A LOT. It’s so unpleasant. I do not recognise myself some days. I know the reality is that it isn’t likely just for asking for help but, if I’m honest, it’s another way of avoiding asking for help. I worry about them being labelled for any of their behaviour, too, and my older boy was very disrupted by the presence of any social worker so I just have shut myself down from all of that. I think the help I need is first for me. Then maybe I can be a better mummy to the boys and find the help we all need.

In addition to what PPs have said, is there any scope for you and your partner to focus on you two? I don’t mean nights out or anything, just something that helps the two of you pull together - it’s easy to lose that when you’re just so desperate for some quiet (and esp if one or both of you are depressed).

Therapeutic parenting helped us cut down a lot on the yelling. We let pass some behaviours that I can’t believe we let pass some days, but it’s not worth the shouting. As long as everyone is safe...

I know you said you feel bad they can’t have the life they should - that’s not on you. That’s on all the shit that happened before you. But equally, if they can’t handle normal life as it is now, can you make it smaller? Fewer activities/days out/play dates etc and see if you can find a balance that lets them successfully get through a day.

And I know what you mean about bedtime. DC here get into our bed for a cuddle and a chat in the morning. I often get up knowing the best part of my day is over because from there on it’s all shouting and chaos...🤷‍♀️

You’ve said a few times that the problem is you - actually the problem is the problem, two boys with everything that comes with adoption, two knackered and increasingly isolated parents and the shame and stigma of feeling like you’re not coping. You’re in the problem, but you’re not it of that makes sense? I wonder if starting to meet some of your own needs might help? Do you have any time to yourself, when the boys are in school? Can you use that time to do something for you - even if that’s vegging in front of net flicks with a cup of tea, having time to just process how life is for you at the moment and what you need to be different. I’d highly recommend therapy as a space to find yourself and your voice again.

Ruthlessly tag team the kids, DH and I have times when one of us will have the kids and the other is off duty, or where we take one each for an hour. Reduce the number of things that need your attention at one time.

It’s very hard, because it’s hard not because you’re a bad mum. Please speak kindly to yourself - how would you talk to a friend in this situation, I’m guessing you’d be empathic, kind and would recognise why your friend was struggling. Try to offer yourself the same compassion - it sounds crazy but accepting and soothing yourself will take some of the sting out of things, and you deserve kindness.

Keep posting here too - the very wise posters here have got me through a fair few hairy, scary times.

An unjustifiably sexist comment, but who cares, I would say boys of 7 and 8 however lovely they are would make a saint yell occasionally. They are high energy, need watching to stop them from doing insane things, they still do insane things, they have huge emotions, and are generally high maintenance! So, be aware that you are not alone, and it won't last forever! I really do recommend ahaparenting, this is an article about shouting, but she also says great things about raising great kids which are inspiring and achievable (or the dream of them being achievable is sustaining..):

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/Plan_to_Stop_Yelling

(I recently had gave a party for nine 8 year olds and suffered from PTSD for a week afterwards) (And they are all great kids)

You do sound burnt out. Is it at all feasible that you go for a week's holiday on all inclusive or something or is that not possible at the moment? Though boys would be with you, having no other responsibilities will still be a relief and will take you out of your situation, and they will burn off energy swimming etc.

Long walks for you on your own if you don't already will reset things for you and give you some perspective, as in, the boys will eventually grow up and become human!!

As an adoptee from similar sort of circs I would agree with you re social workers getting involved being stressful for the boys but I would definitely, definitely talk to one of the clinical psychologists at Beaconhouse.Org.Uk or similar as they will assess and have clear insights and strategies which will really help, day to day, and they can explain how to get funding for the service.

From what I know of NATP which has been much recommended on here, it is fine for moral support but if you want to change things for you and the boys I would say go to a good clinical psychologist with experience of adoption and developmental trauma -NATP is good for moral support though. Some of the methods recommended by NATP were around when I was a child and they are fine as emergency measures but there are drawbacks to using them as the key strategies ime.

Lastly I know a couple of adopter families who are part of a local support group to them which really helps them because the adopters are their kind of adopters, so to speak, and they are in similar situations, so if you could like minded people with similar situations that it might help you a lot.

My uncle adopted 3 children and struggled for years. He admits they should have asked for help but was embarassed to admit they couldn't cope. Eventually they reached crisis point and all three children went back into care. They never saw them again.
If they had reached out then it likely wouldn't have happened. At worst they may have had to put the eldest into temporary care for a short period - I know of another family where the 3 siblings have all had to re-enter the system when they were out of control and struggling. But those that had help stayed with their families and are still a family today as adults. My uncle did not ask for help until it was too late and he lost them all. Ten years of love and hard graft and he never saw them again.
Chances are at 7&8 you just need some respite and some new strategies. Post adoption can help with that without you losing your children. Suffering in silence is likely to be a worse outcome than asking for help.

I’d second Sassy’s recommendation of a clinical psychologist. We accessed one through the adoption support fund and they were fantastic. We had something called DDP - dyadic developmental psychotherapy and it was really beneficial - even if the benefits weren’t immediate or obvious which is what I was in desperate need of when I rang SS and cried down the phone to them (at length) asking for help.

It’s really hard to give yourself permission to ask for help but if you can summon up the courage it’s really worth it.

Nobody will take your children away, you do not need to worry about that. Children's lives have to be in danger before they are taken away.

I think you first need to take of yourself in order to be in a better position to help your boys. Talk to your GP and see it s/he can sign you off work for a while and if they can prescribe you some antidepressants and counselling. If you search the boards on adoptionuk.org, you will find similar posts to yours with more advise. You might also want to google "blocked care" to see if you think it applies to you.

For the first 3 years after placement the boys' original LA is responsible for post adoption support. After that it is your LA. Contact them and ask for an Assessment of Need. In my experience it is easy to access the Adoption Support Fund and get therapy for children financed, but I know other adopters have had a harder time than we.

Remember that this is not your fault. It sounds as if you have been doing an amazing job so far. Now you need help and that is fine. Your children have suffered brain damage in their early years. You need professional help and hopefully your lives will improve. You are the childrens' parents and your role is different from that of a therapist. You cannot be a parent and a neutral third person at the same time. All the best!

Louloufergav hi, I am so sorry it is so tough.

Please do not blame yourself! As others have said, parenting is so hard.

It also seems you had a difficult set of circumstances in that social workers assumed the worst and you've felt the need to hold it together etc and also have this fear the children will be taken away.

I've no idea why you have this fear since post adoption support is there to support adopters not remove kids. It seems like you've got caught in a cycle, of presenting as if it's going well and then when things did not you felt unable to say. You've tried so hard but it's taken a toll on you, your dh and your marriage.

Please do not waste any time beating yourself up! My guess is your boys have been well cared for, well fed, loved and all that and it is you and your dh who have given your best of yourselves. So please stop feeling so bad.

Firstly, could you find some things that have been ok or gone well and just console yourself with the fact you have tried hard.

Now, asking for help is absolutely the right thing to do.

Great advice here from others.

Nobody will take your children away, you do not need to worry about that. Children's lives have to be in danger before they are taken away.

Surely the standard is "risk of future emotional harm"?

I don't want to be negative, and I'm sure it won't be an issue, but it's good to be accurate.

My son came at age 3. That was 5 years ago. Very similar to you. Except we only adopted one. We already had a birth dd, who, it turns out is on the autistic spectrum. And actually quite a lot of work!

I have always asked for help and been very fortunate to get it. Our local authority is really good, I know how lucky I am.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It does seem a number of factors made it harder to ask for help, and I'm really sorry this has made parenting so tough for you both.

IMHO, I think you need to do a number of things, follow up all the leads here for help, speak to post adoption support and see what therapeutic help may be available.

We had Theraplay (a specific kind of play therapy) when ds was about 6, it was amazing. It cut the melt downs in half. There is an older age version.

I also think it would really help you and your dh to find ways to reconnect together. For your sanity's sake and for your marriage, and for your boys too!

Keep talking and sharing if it helps.

We recently asked for some more help and kind of got pushed back but your posts have spurred me on to keep asking. What we all want is for our kids to grow up to their full potential.

Help for us is help for them so never feel guilty to ask.

rubbertreeplant is right and it is important to remember that sometimes adoptive parents can neglect or abuse children, sometimes because they can't cope or because they are so depressed they don't want to get up or take the dc out for months at a time.

It doesn't sound as though this applies to the OP, at all, though.

I understand the fear - there is an element of subjectivity involved sometimes. But OP, please don't feel fear and do get support - and the clinical psychs are more likely to be goal focused rather than wanting to instil fear or make judgement.

This is a really good one for self healing, for you - don't be put off by the name (suggesting you have done something you need to be forgiven for - as you may not have done!):

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/How_to_forgive_yourself

@RubberTreePlant Really? In all likelihood the OP's children will not be removed and it is not helpful to pretend that there is a realistic chance that this might happen, when that is such a worry of hers. In fact, even if s/he wanted them removed, ss would probably not do so as other adopters who just can't not cope anymore regularly find out.

I've been lurking because I have had two children with diagnoses of ASD and dyspraxia, now grown up, and have some friends who have adopted, and really see how easy it is to blame yourself for not coping with parenting/and or blame the children's needs when there are all sorts of things that might help, thinking outside the box.

I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition (probably brought by stress) and very very low vitamin D levels, both of which were not diagnosed until my children were 9 and 11 (I had three, including twins). No amount of parenting help or support from professionals would have solved that particular problem until I had a blood test, and medication. I did not need antidpressants, but counselling and vitamin supplements, thyroxine etc, were vital in helping me deal with the children's very real problems. we are people too with needs and medical conditions and that should be acknowledged whether our children have SNs/and or adopted regardless; it is often very easy for us to forget our own oxygen masks. Please go to the to GP and rule out any conditions, deficiencies that might be making you feel dreadful. I can remember shouting a lot when my children were younger, and it was almost certainly because I was actually hypothyroid, exhausted, yet no one ever suggested this... just antidepressants/babysitters etc.

Surely the standard is "risk of future emotional harm"?

The threshold for child protection concern is risk of significant harm and there’s a long road in that process before children are removed from parents. If you’re going to be factual, be correct.

There’s nothing to suggest the OPs fear of removal is a realistic one, if it were her children would already be on the radar. It’s unhelpful to add fuel to someone’s anxieties about seeking support.

@jellyfishschool you presumably quoted the correct threshold wording, which is great, but it is substantively closer to what rubber said than "children's lives have to be in danger before they are taken away" which was very misleading. I think it is helpful, and important, to be clear while at the same time reassuring the OP that she can seek help without fear.

I’ve quoted the statutory threshold for starting a child protection investigation. As a child protection social worker, it’s misleading to suggest children arent removed unless there’s a threat to life. Because children can - and should - be removed before their life is in danger, I’d go so far as to say if we wait until there’s a threat to life the process has failed.

Removal is an option of last resort, again there’s nothing the OP has said that would suggest her children would be removed and it’s vital to seek support for her own wellbeing. Adoption is so hard on parents I don’t know any sw who would think of disrupting a placement as a starting point, more that seeking support is viewed as a strength.