Development behind, when to seek help?

[Autumnbloom]

I am probably expecting 'how long is a piece of string' from this post because the question is very broad in itself, but here goes. I have a beautiful, clever, funny (pita) 3 and 4 year old, placed 8 months ago. To us they have come on in leaps and bounds. They have physically grown lots, their speech has improved, they are learning social 'norms', the 3 year old is now using sentences rather than one word or just crying, the 4 year old shows empathy well above his age, his speech has improved massively also, he understands boundaries, can do up shirt buttons and zips (3 year old can do zips also). Overall, I don't feel concerned with how they are progressing. But with the eldest due to start school in september, should I be paying more attention to how far behind they may be?

When I see them next to their peers, they are physically behind, as many of our children are in terms of height, but also conversationally behind. I have also noticed that 'artwork' is behind in terms of how they represent people/things on the page.

I take them both to a phonics class (as well as other classes designed for gross motor skills), eldest loves it and is starting to recognise sounds and letters, youngest prefers just to start undressing in the middle of the group!!

So far, bonding and getting to know each other has obviously been our main concern, and as they appear to be coming on so fast, I have not been concerned about their development. But, as an inexperienced parent and also knowing that they are behind, should I be a little more proactive and is now the time, Or will any issues be highlighted at school and is addressing this better later down the line?

Obviously we practise things through play and activities such as drawing, but I worry I am doing them a disservice by not seeking professional intervention now?

What a load of babble, anyway hope you got the jist?

Personally I would leave it for now. They sound lovely and you sound like you are doing an amazing job. For me the important thing at this stage is your relationship and making then feel secure.

My son was older, at nearly 8 and was well behind his peer group, working below national curriculum level. He made massive progress in his first 18 months and has continued to progress though not at that rate. He is 14 now and started his GCSEs. Hopefully he will get 4, which is enough for college. To be honest I've tried not to compare him too much with other children. I've always been happy with the support he gets in school. Could he be 'achieving' more if I'd been more pushy? Possibly, I don't know. But I do think if I pushed him more academically he would be more anxious and stressed. I have a happy boy. He is not the best academically but he is not at the bottom either. He holds his own in school and has a great friendship group. For me that balance is more important.

School is really tough for kids these days, too much emphasis on targets. If it were me, I'd let them have a fantastic summer with me, and focus on finding the right school.

I think its easy as adopters to look for problems, forgetting that all children develop at different rates and have different skills.

I would stick to activities that are fun, bonding (and secretly also get them extra skills). So playdough disco - playdough with music basically done at home, improves grip and motor skills, also playful and fun. Reading to them to enjoy cuddles and storytelling, which will expose them to vocabulary and ideas. Scavenger hunt/nature walks in the woods where you collect different textures, colours, shapes or whatever...

Not in any way minimising what may be support needs or dev delay, but I tended to focus on security and attachment first, as without those my DC weren't going to be able to learn anyway. As it was, the separation from me, and the sensory overload of nursery/reception, were bigger challenges than any learning.

Once in school/nursery, you may want to get more of an assessment so that the right extra support is put in place, but I wouldn't particularly worry about it now, unless you have a specific thing that's really worrying you.

Thanks both, I think you have confirmed what I feel. They are very intelligent children, but pushing them with external help may be too much right now. I think my paranoid mum/inexperienced mum mode kicked in and maybe I thought I was being neglectful of their development. But they have come so far already and we are having fun, so yes, I think we will concentrate on having a lovely family summer and learning as we go. We have been learning about the different flowers that have been popping up and eldest has a new watch because he has taken an interest in time (he can do his o'clocks now). Youngest is interested in money (haha) and so I have been telling her about different pennies. We do the play-doh disco at phonics!

I read somewhere that learning is at a peak when having fun, so we will carry on as we are.

One thing that I have noticed and I wonder if it is a common trait amongst adoptees is their memory, my kids have a phenomenal memory, I'd say almost say eidetic. I think maybe this is due to hyper vigilance, but I wonder if anyone else has noticed this and if their children have managed to use it in a positive way?

I think I will ask for a sit down chat at nursery, just to get a fuller picture and get ready for any issues at school, but yes, right now they do need to feel secure (and we do have some work to do around that, especially with car journeys and bedtimes). Thank you again.

DD is hypervigilant and her memory is fantastic so yes, I could see what you mean! In terms of learning, it means she can go into quite a bit of detail/depth about things that interest her, so I just try and follow whatever that is quite a lot of my little pony I do direct it sometimes towards learning routines that support security, so for example we have quite a structured life, use a visual timetable etc, and I make a little booklet to prepare for new places. I find she learns it very quickly but is comforted by referring back to it, she feels safer through having her memory confirmed.

I have learned the hard way not to include in the info any things that might be variable though - once said, it's like a blood oath as far as she's concerned, and she never forgets

Don't feel bad about having "work to do" on security and transitions - it's been five years and I slowly realise that might be my life's work! It's not a linear process, what helps one day then doesn't the next. Keeps me learning...

Have a lovely summer together.

'a blood oath!' Haha yes, i do have to be careful what I say due to this as well! Eldest catches me out sometimes and at other times it can be quite eery. Once on a long journey I took the wrong exit off a roundabout about 40 minutes in (so not close to home with recognisable landmarks), I must have mentioned this quite loudly, because two months later on the same journey, at the same roundabout, eldest said 'don't go the wrong way mummy', amazed and slightly freaked out all at once!!

I love a visual timetable and I am using them more and more, you are right, it does give them something to anchor to and later return to for safety. Thank you again, your words have been reassuring and calming.

I work in a nurture room for 4 to 8yr olds which helps children with social and emotional problems and I would say your children sound like they are doing brilliantly. I've seen children start school further behind developmentally than your little ones and come on leaps and bounds in the first year, some have ended up top of their class academically.
I did have a couple of suggestions that might help.....start the transition to pro.ary school early. Even if it's just regular walks near by the school but lots of visits to the school would be great. It can make a massive difference.
We also do lots of learning during messy play. One of my favourites is hiding some phonics cards in cornflour and water gloop and have them find them and say them when they find them. They (and I) love getting messy in the gloop and you can even put a few cards in and get them to put words together, just make sure the cards are laminated and waterproof. We also do writing and drawing in shaving foam. Lots of children with early trauma have low self esteem and can panic if they get things wrong. By writing or drawing in shaving foam they see it's all just easily wiped away ready to start again.
Sounds like you've a lovely family and are doing great. X

Thanks @Runner31 some good tips there which will be useful.

Sounds like you are doing a great job!

In terms of accessing services, I would do it now purely because of the massive waiting lists. Get them referred for anything concerning now.

I battle with this because progress is progress, from any starting point. However there is a balance and if they start school behind it can become a little tricky. For example, speech delays can affect friendships etc.

Don't over worry, it sounds like they are being amazing! But be mindful of those long waiting lists.

Obviously if the waiting lists aren't long then chill out with it, I totally agree you don't need lots of experts and people coming in at this time!