Should I 'protect' DH?

[Bluededoobeedoo]

Not sure if this is the right place, but here goes.

My DH is 48. He was adopted at six weeks. His mother died two years ago and he was given a bundle of papers with details of the adoption. Name of both birth parents etc. Really shook him up.

He was and is clear he doesn't want to know or follow up, but then sometimes brings it up. The birth mother has an unusual name and I think it wouldn't take much to find out some details. Like if she is alive. She was 17 at the time.

My reason is to know some basic information so I'm prepared to support him if need be. But am I intruding and overstepping a boundary? I haven't done anything for that reason. Should I back off or do some digging?

What would you do? So conflicted. I just don't want him to get hurt. He's a gentle sort and easily wounded.

I too was adopted as a tiny baby so I understand the whirl of emotions your husband must be feeling. I would really advise that you put your energies into supporting what your husband wants to do. If he doesn't want to take things any further, then leave it alone. He may well bring it into the conversation sometimes, but talking with you is a way for him to process how he feels about it all. Please, please don't do any digging or anything without his involvement. I.understand that you are curious and that there are things you'd like to know, but that is your husband's decision. Finding out about birth family is such a complex thing; I traced mine and honestly, it's not an easy thing to deal.with. For me, it's answered some questions and raised many more, and after many years, I still feel unsettled about it all. Your husband may well eventually want to investigate further, but for now, he needs you to support his decision not to know.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Such good advice and exactly what I needed.

You're welcome! Hope all goes well for you both x

My dh isnt adopted but a "love child". He never knew his father or his side of the family. He never wanted to talk about it. He knew his father had died. When we got together wondered if he would like to find his fathers side which he was adamant no. Just go with the flow, dont push it, id put the papers away. Eventually dh decided he wanted his fathers death certificate purely for health reasons.

If you did some digging and found out anything significant, the next time he spoke to you about it what would you do or say? Would you pretend to not know what you knew? Would you be happy doing that? I wouldn’t.